4 legged stool

I've sensed for a while that the next adventure in written Step work lay in the domain of "S" programs. I've been percolating on this for a while, inputting lots of information, and waiting for the wisdom of how to proceed to arise from a sense of inner knowing.

Today, for the 2nd time, I pulled out and stacked my "S" program literature. Flipping through each I looked for those with (a) good Q&A exercises and (b) so many highlights & tabs as to appear inexorable from the process. My pile is thus reduced to 6 which is still 1-2 too many.

To be clear, let me say that I am not bothering to dissect the gap between "behavior which temporarily resembles that of an addict" and "someone who has crossed the bright line of addiction." Those distinctions are irrelevant for my purposes. I'm concerned with the process & impact of what DID happen and utilizing words like "addict" or "anorexic" are useful as broad brushstroke descriptions clarifying their extreme departure from spiritually connected, healthy demonstrations of sexuality.

I envision my next dive into Step work as a 4 legged stool, incorporating:

1) sexual addiction (= acting out)
2) sexual anorexia (= acting in)
3) the impact of others' sexual addiction/ anorexia on me
4) the drama triangle

To allow any of those 4 to escape scrutiny seems dangerous and incomplete.

Valentine's Day by Horton Foote

Valentine’s Day opens on Christmas Eve, 1917, in the rooming house that has been home to Horace and Elizabeth Robedaux since they eloped on Valentine’s Day earlier that year. They married over the objections of Elizabeth’s parents, a powerful family in the small Texas town that is home to all of them. Elizabeth and her parents have not spoken since the elopement, but now Elizabeth is pregnant and her parents want to reconcile. Profile Theater, 3434 SE Belmont.

the painful gap

People in the preparation stage may already have instituted a number of small behavioral changes, such as cutting their cigarette intake or counting calories. Awareness is high, and anticipation is palpable. People who cut short this stage -- for example, waking up one morning & deciding to quit smoking cold turkey -- actually lower their chances of success. It's better to make use of this time by planning carefully, developing a firm, detailed scheme for action, and making sure that you have learned the change processes you need to carry you through the process.

-- In the Shadows of the Net by Patrick Carnes, p. 161-2

What I have NOT done is hurled things (doo-dads, people, relationships, memberships) away in a huff. The drama triangle literature told me that such actions increase drama, betrayal bonding, and the addictive hold. Out of fear of that, I have (although, at times, with great difficulty) refrained from this "counterscript" behavior.

Instead I've worked to institute a gap between myself and all that. Not being certain of what all that actually entails I've drawn an overly large circle around every aspect of the matter I could imagine in order to be certain that nothing got accidentally left out. And then proposed to set all that aside for a length of unknown duration. No quick decisions, no impulsive moves; but rather, a gap.

Slowly, things have been revealing themselves. I can't imagine that many of them would have shown up without the instruction from Patrick Carnes' literature or the input from the family of "S" programs. But, as it turns out, I did have their help and many flashes of insight have come, as well as much painful feeling.

This morning, having another quick flash of desire to toss everything out in the trash to be done with it, it comes to me that this desire to throw it all out in one dramatic move is really an attempt to throw out all the harsh and painful feelings and quandries that come with the matter. Writing that now it sounds self evident, but I never before understood why someone would stand at a doorway and say, "Throw away my things and you'll never see me again." The things and the person -- certainly if we can make them all go away the harsh experiencing of feelings will end, won't they?

If that were true, of course, I wouldn't still be so glad that Al is dead, because the matter would have resolved when I signed the coroner's check. Conversely, Naomi's absence wouldn't still be so tender. No-- moving out, dumping the guy, throwing the memento away, or even moving to a new locale -- these resolve neither the issues nor the feelings behind them.

This week I cut yet another cord. But I didn't do so in a huff. Rather, it was something I'd pondered for quite a while. It has been 6 months now. There was one thing I needed to save for my future protection, and that I did weeks ago in anticipation of this. Then, a quiet voice inside said, "this is the time." I spoke about it in a meeting and forgot about it. Then, the time came when the quiet voice spoke up again and said, "Do it now." And so I did. No obsession, much gap.

THAT is how I have effected most (not all, but most) of my movement away. And what is called for with the remainder. Throwing away all the doo-dads in a huff would seem to make some aspects easier, but it would also rob me of some portion of anguish in grappling with the matter, a portion which offers growth and treasure. I think I can continue holding out until the time is right and I have the ability to make a best-for-me decision (rather than reaction).

Now, if I could do so without increasing my clothing size, that would be superb!

reflecting the treasure chest

I have a new phone Focusing partner. Scheduling is a bit laborious (the time difference is 1 day ahead & 5.5 hours behind) but so far, so good. We both have similar pacing and style which makes things feel effortless and natural.

As I was companioning her I was noticing how (unlike "the trance" of sexual addiction, "searing in pleasure & profound in its lack of satisfaction"), for me, Focusing is profound in its satisfaction. Most of the time, when I companion there is NOTHING, absolutely nothing, I would rather be doing or could imagine enjoying more.

Companioning someone else Focusing is like dipping into the wellspring of God's presence or contact. It's delicious, satisfying, clean, crisp, rich, warm, rewarding, fulfilling, genuine, solid. I decided to post about just that.

But then it was my turn to Focus. Trust me, sessions like this don't come very often.

In my jaw, like a big bone.

But also, like a wishbone: thin, delicate, easily snapped. And with the sense of outward motion, like pulling it out of my throat, across the roof of my mouth, out of me. Yes, these are 2 different parts.

The other one is like a big white bone, like a leg bone from a buffalo, the kind a dog would love to chew on, embedded in my jaw. Like a buried dinosaur bone in an archaeological dig. It isn't just sitting on top of the greenery saying, "Here I am;" you have to dig for it and then it's sticking out of the dirt and you have to carefully excavate it bit by bit.

Like buried treasure. Like the Titanic: it has a sense of heavy, deep tragedy, a long time ago, and it takes work to get to. Titanic artifacts aren't just sitting like a buoy on top of the ocean saying, "here I am," it took explorers a really long time to find the ship. Even when you get to the right spot (which isn't marked on a map) you still have that really deep, unlighted ocean water, fish, barnacles and coral covering it, the ship hull, the sand, and all that covers and hides the treasure chest.

It fears I'll break it open and loot its contents. Like a puffer fish, it's just instantly covered itself in grey padding to protect itself from me.

Instantly I move back "a 10' pole's distance." I affirm I will remain "a 10' pole's distance" from it and we will only get closer if it chooses to come closer to me. It can come to me or not, either way, it will be its choice.

Like when a little fish peeks out of its protective rock. Now its whole head is out. Now everything but the tail is out. It's seeing if it can trust me.

It's like I'm sitting in a wooden folding chair directly in front of the treasure chest. It's covered with copious bright green plant life. The plant life is associated with great and long term grief; it symbolizes its long term neglect. As I feel this it's like my right hand is touching the side of the treasure chest.

Like in a fish tank where the plastic treasure chest opens when a few air bubbles come out. Only instead of bubbles they're a few small fish. This happens numerous times. The sense is that it's seeing if I will lunge at it and loot the contents of the chest or remain trustworthy by accompanying it revealing itself to me at its own pace.

It's like in a certain period of art work: an image of when the (literally) golden light of God beams down on something, in this case this situation where I am accompanying and accurately reflecting this part's sorrow over long term neglect.

Like in Monty Python or South Park, the kind of 2 dimensional cut-out cartoon of angels trumpeting in the air above.

A sense of enormity, like when Christ died and that hanging rug split in two and something like the earth shook; like a cracking of the earth; like a forever changing everything on the planet happening.

Like (same kind of 2 dimensional art) an image of Jesus (still on the cross) ascending into the heavens (in that golden beam of light). That is the essence of this part's experience of my finding, uncovering, accompanying and reflecting it.

triangle: 3 examples

My goal is to incorporate -- as deeply, richly & thoroughly as possible -- a working knowledge of Karpman Drama Triangle dynamics in a multitude of situations, both real & fictional.

Key: (O) off the triangle, (R) Rescuer, (V) Victim, (P) Persecutor

============================================

Eating Disorder

Mary (O) opens an email from her manager. She (V) feels anxious, overwhelmed and incompetent about (P) the business matter, the situation, and how to figure out the best course of action. She finds herself in the kitchen (R) opening a bag of candy. Eating the candy while pondering and responding to the email reduces the intensity of Mary's anxious feelings.

Afterwords (P), however, she feels overfull and physically ill from the 1,500 calorie meal of primarily sugar & fat. She thinks disparagingly about her actions and its physical consequences to her body which (V) serves only to increase her sense of hopelessness. On the other hand, (R) it is quite possible that feeling like crap about acting out via her eating disorder feels LESS painful, frightening, vulnerable and out of control than grappling with the seemingly overwhelming matters of business. In that way, a binge, which seems to be a safer battle to focus on, acts as Rescuer to her jangling response to business demands.

============================================
Abandonment Threat

Jon (O) tells Mary he needs to change their form of relationship; the current one isn't working for him. Mary (P) interprets this as complete & total rejection of her as a person. Adrenaline raging, she projects her hurt/anger at Jon, decides she's outta there before he can hurt her any more, walks to the door, says "Throw away my belongings, you'll never see me again," and exits, probably slamming the door behind her.

Jon can (R) call her cell phone almost immediately and rescinds his boundary by saying, "I take it back; I'll be what you want me to be. Please don't leave me!" Likely Mary (who was more concerned about mastering rejection than either leaving Jon or figuring out how the relationship can nurture them both) will take him back (Rescuing them both from emotional distress of feeling break up feelings and having it stand that someone perhaps validated the internal belief "I'm bad so they're leaving me") and their unhappy dance will continue.

Jon can (V) swim in a morass of never ending pain, calling in sick to work until he's fired, binging or starving until his clothing size changes, and obsesses endlessly about how "it's all her fault" because he had zero influence on any aspect of the situation, and besides, he's worthless and will never have a happy relationship, ever, anyways. Most importantly, never looking at his own side of the street, he never figures out what part he played in the situation, and when troubles arise he's prone to think that Mary is 100% of the problem and either replacing her or giving in to her momentary demand is 100% of the solution.

Jon can (P) say to Mary, "Good! Go away, you -------! If you walk out that door you'll never see me again, and I hope you do, because YOU'RE the one who's not good enough!" Because Mary's on the triangle, we know she feels self doubt and unworthy, so she'd likely get hooked. Here's where "drama triangle" gets it's name: when someone switches position it creates drama which serves to increase the betrayal bonds between players.

Mary (R), if not that night then the next morning, will probably beg Jon to take her back, because leaving under those circumstances would feel like co-signing his opinion (that her core belief agrees with) that she isn't good enough. It's as if by going back to him she believes she can recraft the perceived rejection into proving she's good enough.

Alternatively, (O) Jon could say, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Jon, if connected to both head & gut and not on the triangle, will likely notice that if his expression of desire to change their form of relationship leads to an instant and complete abandonment threat (rather than a heartfelt discussion of feelings, wants and boundaries) Mary is not a likely source of calm, nurturing stability or intimacy for him. Jon will take that information into account while deciding what form of relationship he would like to have with her, including how to respond if she contacts him again or how to write a closure response afterwords. He will recognize that Mary's response is about Mary and while he might feel shock, anger, hurt and loss, he will NOT feel like her overreaction is validation of his lack of worth.

============================================
Magnum P.I.

Magnum (P) invite T.C. out to dinner: "No, this isn't for a case; can't a friend take a friend out to dinner? Buy anything you want." Magnum, in his role as Persecutor, is outright lieing to T.C., pretending he's a Victim of T.C.'s accusation, when actually he's setting T.C. up by offering what is desired (friendship dinner), wrongly believing his deception won't be revealed (the pre dinner errand will go smoothly and T.C. will never discover they were there on a case), and correctly discerning that he's tricking T.C. into giving that which T.C. wouldn't freely choose to give.

Despite copious experience to the contrary, T.C. (V) believes that for some unknown magical reason this time will be different. However, while stopping by a gym for Magnum "to make a quick phone call" they both end up in a fist fight, running away from the bad guys who threatened them with guns and will, in fact, spend the rest of the episode hunting them down in attempts to kill them. T.C.'s snazzy new shirt gets ripped and, furious, he walks home while berating himself and vowing to dump his best friend.

Similarly, T.C. literally carries a list in his shirt pocket of all the helicopter gas money Magnum owes him yet T.C. never refuses to continue either (a) passive aggressively complaining about the debt or (b) refusing to allow Magnum to increase the debt. There is always a special, compelling reason why he should give in "just one last time, I promise."

============================================

Whichever role in the Drama Triangle that you do NOT know how to do -- on purpose as a procedure -- is the one that you will get blackmailed and threatened with the most.

--TA Tutor.com

personalized drama triangle

I have revised & reprinted my personalized version of Karpman's Drama Triangle. It is not meant to encompass a neutral expression of the full picture, but rather to highlight aspects which speak most strongly to me. I carry a laminated version in my purse.

Usually revision means going from a long version to a short version, but this time it was the opposite. This 2nd draft personalized drama triangle incorporates more aspects and details than the first. On the other hand, as shorthand for 30 websites and 4 books, it's still rather brief.

The words in black in the middle of the triangle represent what is true for EVERYONE on the triangle, regardless of position. Remember, while many people have a starting gate/ default position, everyone on the triangle eventually visits them all.

Rescuer

“I’m not bad! I’m good enough/needed”

Feel unloved? Give more! • overblown Nurturing Parent • failure to define self • acts like I+U- • safe = proving self, doing good • eventually Persecuted by Victim for “aid” given • gives what doesn’t want to give • responsible for Victim instead of self • false belief: if I care for Victim now the Victim will stay & care for me later • overindulgent, boundary-less do-gooder • believes rescue will work • wants to save Victim from Persecutor (which could be a person, feeling or situation) • obsessed with situation • R responsibility (too much) • over contributions keep dysfunctional situation afloat • will resent Victim after Rescuer takes > 50% work & responsibility, too much

Victim

“I’m not to blame! I’m inept/powerless”

Feel Weak? Act even more helpless! • acts like I-U+ • acts like overblown Lost Child • failure to protect self • do less than 50% of work • attracts Rescuers, allies with Persecutors • safe = submissive • disorganized, chaotic, unkempt • refuses to help self • quits on you • needs someone to blame for feelings, circumstances • avoids confrontation • won’t stand up for self • acts resource-less • overwhelmed • dependent, needy, passive, anxious • believes situation will change • obsessed with Persecutor (which could be person, feeling or situation) • V vulnerability (takes too much) • if can’t transform Rescuer into Persecutor the Victim will Persecute himself via his internal Critical Parent • turns into Persecutor when disappointed by Rescuer

Persecutor

“I’m not human! I’m right/superior”

acts like overblown Critical Parent • failure to limit self • Feel uncertain? Blame/punish someone else! • acts like I+ U- • safe = putting others down • hubris • believes deceptions will go undetected • hurt you before you hurt me • read Victims well and promises to fix/heal/provide for them • right & obligation to get even = protect self • “It’s all your fault” • violates, undermines, seduces • glee in finding fault, weakness, comeuppance • entitlement = you owe me • externalizes contempt • hooks others with “you’re bad (prove you’re not)” • obsessed with Victim • P power (too much) • leadership by threats, orders, rigidity, lectures, sarcasm

"Bad dog!"

When YYY used to tell me "You're bad!," I would get hooked. I would try to prove myself, make YYY happy and establish emotional/relationship stability. That is a longstanding pattern in my life throughout all decades and all forms of relationship (business, family, platonic, romantic, etc).

Recently ZZZ, in effect, told me "You're bad!" but I didn't get hooked. Instead, I stayed intact within myself, connected with ZZZ, and able to see ZZZ for who they really are. I was grounded in the gut knowing that I am OK (regardless of what someone else says or does) and some of what others say/do is related to their own unresolved issues.

This is stupendous.

Shortly thereafter, however, a part inside me became terrified. It's afraid that if I can be OK inside myself while at the same time experiencing others saying/treating me like I'm bad, and see through their misconstruction of the situation, that I may have to re-live/re-visit/re-assess/re-feel experiences from my deepest past.

So I've been accompanying that part a lot during Focusing. One time it came up as a scullery maid (think Upstairs, Downstairs) who didn't know if it could trust the other staff to be a safe, supportive team or if they were a critical, backbiting, unsafe group. Most recently this came up as a little girl alternatively clinging to me for her life and sitting on my lap watching the world while encircled in my arms. My goal is not to alter this part, change it, convince it, fix it, or the like, but rather to be there with it in whatever way it'd like for as long as it'd like so that when it feels ready it will find itself doing its own transformation.

Mexican Tomato & Tortilla Soup

This is one of my longstanding favorite recipes. It's quick, easy & delicious. It tastes like an enchilada, only not hot.


Add 1 bunch green onions, 6 cloves minced garlic (and 1 seeded/minced jalapeno) to pan and cook in 1 Tbsp. olive oil until softened, about 3 minutes.

Stir in 2 large, chopped tomatoes, 8 oz. can tomato sauce, 2 c. chicken broth, 1 tsp. cumin, 1/4 tsp. salt, 1/8 tsp. cayenne pepper and bring to a boil. Reduce to a simmer, cover & cook until flavors blend, about 5 min.

Add 1 # boneless, skinless chicken, diced; 1 c. frozen corn (fire roasted from Trader Joe's); and 4 six inch corn tortillas, cut into strips. Cook until chicken is just cooked through, about 3 min. Stir in 1 Tbsp. lime juice, sprinkle with 6 Tbsp. shredded Monterrey Jack cheese.

I cook longer so tortilla and tomato disintegrate for a more stew-like consistency.

Serves 4.

control

I just participated in my very first ever ABA meeting and telephone meeting, simultaneously.

Given that my closest ABA meeting is in Oakland, CA to the south; Tuscon, AZ to the east and Canada to the north a phone meeting starts to sound a bit less like half measures.

Why not just attend meetings of Overeaters Anonymous, who averages 4 meetings a day in the greater Portland area, instead? After all, left to my own devices I want to count calories, dissect ingredient labels, abstain from certain types of foods, and track pounds lost. Oh, the charts and systems and methods I can create! I LOVE, I THRILL in all of that! It makes every fiber of my being (are you starting to sense the inappropriate level of intensity I experience about this?) to do things like that. Like a sex addict culling the internet for just the right image, I can spend countless hours lost in fantasy about organization, systems and numbers. But rather than reducing my obsession about food, weight & body image, such activities serve to INCREASE it (although I welcome your experience to differ).

There are 4 phone meetings of ABA feasible for Pacific time zone: Mon, Wed, Thurs early evenings and Fri early morning. Since ABA is actually a Canadian fellowship I called my cell phone company to verify that the phone numbers were American, not Canadian; I wouldn't want the nasty surprise come phone bill time.

As someone highlighted in the meeting I attended, ABA believes that (those who identify with it) are not powerless over food or specific ingredients, but rather THE FEELING OF CONTROL; it is control we try to glean from our crazy doings in head & body with food, weight & body image. Control of what? I would say over creating/avoiding specific emotions, our value as a person in the eyes of ourselves & others, our levels of power or vulnerability, etc.

The idea of control was really ringing a strong cord with me through a cornucopia of topics. Developmentally I was taught it's not OK to have needs and to distrust that anyone would meet them (as a predictable outcome of neglect). I am emotionally wrangling with surrender of my lack of control and lack of faith that God will caretake me regarding my finances in general and one business loan/ tenant occupancy in particular. In the BDSM scene I tried to balance a healthy power exchange with someone who turned the most mundane of circumstances into power struggles/ drama triangle dynamics and I was unable to manage the situation without falling in, myself. In both sexually alternative communities and the broader culture there is a lot of pressure exerted for women's bodies, clothing and manner to reach certain contradictory ideals. And if one does "lead with their sexiness," is that really the kind of attention she wants to settle for? Regarding my unhealthy eating practices, I attempt to divert certain feelings and coax forward others. All of these are what ABA would call attempts to control.

And that is exactly how the 12 Step ("practice these [recovery] principles in every area of our lives") is meant to happen. We learn to see past the SYMPTOMS of drinking, whoring, starving, stealing, or whatever and see underneath all that to the underlying causes & conditions.

In other words, I was seeing how this attempt to control is ubiquitous through all the addictions & dysfunctions. It's all the "drama triangle" in action. Facing our interdependence on God and each other, as well as our equality, is somehow terrifying instead of reassuring.

daily balance in activities

I know that overeating has a lot to do with (a) distracting from uncomfortable feelings and (b) attempting to coerce the feeling of pleasure.

I am ruminating about tools I have used successfully in the past with my eating disorder -- tools that were NOT rigid control of undesired behaviors (ie, "acting in" or "counterscript behavior") but rather addressed underlying causes.

The technique I'm blogging about today I first used in my California years. I was alone, desperate, overwhelmed, in frequent contact with practicing alcoholic parents (whom I'd declined a $100,000 bribe to live near merely a year prior because I believed their toxic presence literally created too great of a suicide risk for me) who were also both dieing of cancer. It was REALLY AWFUL.

I went through a bad time. A time where it took work, and I mean LOTS of work, to consume as many as 450 calories in a day, I had frequent and compelling desires to make myself vomit, and I was so emotionally taxed that, at times, simply taking a shower was a gargantuan effort (like walking through quicksand).

Yet I knew that I had to fight this depression or whatever you might call it with all of my might. It became my sole focus in life for a while. I made a list of 24 things that brought me pleasure, things as varied as prayer, walking, meetings, ocean, writing letters, and cat time. Many, many days my solitary life goal was to check off as many items on the list as possible, knowing that whether I enjoyed the activity or not in the moment, doing these things would be a way of acting me into better feeling.

So this morning I was thinking about what non-food sources of pleasure I had and how they lumped together into basic categories. As I wrote I noticed that I spend most of my time doing a few types of things and only do other types of things erratically. My experience on this topic, however, is that when I do all these types of activities in a daily (rather than weekly) balance my quality of life improves significantly.

When I first start any type of behavioral self monitoring, I get hot & bothered about my motivation to check off every box every day. That's my carrot. But the hope is that once I become accustomed to limiting the behaviors I over-do (growth, entertainment) and increasing the behaviors I under-do (physical, social) the results will feel so good and the old habits from previous years will be reawakened so that I will find balance more naturally occurring. It might not happen, but it's certainly worth a shot.

I specifically did NOT include ANY tracking of weight, size, or food behavior. Tracking THOSE things, I believe, have an extremely high probability of re-triggering a level of food & body image obsession that I haven't seen in a long time. Trust me, obsessing about food & body image is way more awful than simply being a size fatter.

variety of approaches

There are many 12 Step programs that I know of for eating disorders. Researching just now, I found:

ABA: Anorexics & Bulimics Anonymous

CEA: Compulsive Eaters Anonymous

EAA: Eating Addictions Anonymous

EDA: Eating Disorders Anonymous

FA: Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous

FAA: Food Addicts Anonymous

GSA: GreySheeters Anonymous

OA: Overeaters Anonymous

Why so many? Well, remember, it's not like they all got together at the same time and decided to create 8 different programs. In different parts of the country (ABA is actually Canadian) at the same or different times, people created what they thought would work out of their desperate need. The result: much variety, some overlap.

To me, the biggest differentiation is those programs which are abstinence based (OA & FAA members often abstain from sugar, wheat and flour) and those which aren't (EDA says "balance not abstinence is our goal" which ABA would agree with).

Then one factors in the amount of structure. For example, if you were a member of OA you would probably think of FA & GSA as control freaks, but you'd think of EDA & ABA as so loosey goosey that you'd never find recovery.

Long term blog readers of mine will know that I have found great benefit from "balance not abstinence" approaches like EDA and ABA. Yes, I'm still fat, and yes, I still overeat, but the obsession/ compulsion is lessened. Perhaps someday I'll return to counting ingredients (sugar as the 5th ingredient = relapse, sugar as the 6th ingredient = OK) and phoning in to a sponsor what foods I will/not allow myself to eat hours, days, or a week before the dining hour arrives again, but at this time I still hold that mindfully connected flexibility rather than rigid structure seems to be what's called for for me in this area. For drugs & nicotine, however, I practice rigid, unswerving abstinence.

Nearly bursting out of my current size, I'm motivated to remember tools that have proven useful in the past. I remember making food plans in the past and I tended to feel trapped and deprived by them. What has worked better for me is to post a list on my refrigerator of suggested meals from which I can choose when the time arrives. When I have a reminder about what foods are ready to go with 10 minutes' prep or less, I'm more likely to eat a genuine meal (instead of overeating 1 item like dessert or cheese) when hunger strikes and much more likely to include a fruit or vegetable.

Thank you to 12Step.com for the comprehensive list of this & many other types of recovery programs.

P.S. I finally poked around the 8 websites and it looked like 3 of them are NOT abstinence based: ABA, EAA and EDA. Currently none of these 3 have meetings in either OR or WA but ABA has 4 phone meetings a week. Interested? Go to: abaphonemeetings.wordpress.com.

midweek, winter

My favorite time to go to Cannon Beach is midweek, winter. It's emptier, it's stormier, and it's cheaper. Since "beach" in Oregon = staying inside and watching the tides from a warmly heated room (vs. southern California where it means sunblock, sunglasses, and sand in the toenails) it's better that way.

I've tried a lot of different hotels in Cannon Beach, even the really pricey ones with beautifully tiled bathrooms by Haystack Rock. Every time I start planning another trip I think, "Geez, do I need to always be so cheap? Maybe I should go back to the nice one with the fancy rooms." Then I price check it. I could stay there for $800. Or I could stay at my favorites for $200. The other one would have a fighting chance if the others weren't oceanfront, too, but they are.

Schooner's Cove used to be my favorite (and still is Dave's). I happened upon it by accident, as I knew the then-managers who offered special friend discounts. I'd say my current favorite, though, is Land's End (their immediate neighbor). The rooms are bigger, the view is wider, and all for $35/night less. Dave thinks they have sucky mattresses but since this trip I slept on the couch (Dave always sleeps in a few hours longer than I so I gave him the bedroom) I can't vote on that myself.

I'd say that The Waves Motel actually had the bitchin'est rooms, ones that, relatively speaking, even if they cost a little more were worth it, but the only time we stayed there the fumes of the room gave me headaches all trip long. At the time I had assumed they'd recently painted but then afterwords the management said they hadn't. So I haven't dared to go back there, hypothesizing that all the rooms are likely to have headache producing toxins locked inside. But if anyone else wanted my 1st choice bang for the buck, The Waves Motel would be it... as long as you understood the risk.

Anyway, we went, we watched, we talked, we played Hexago Continuo.

a base a month

I've been listening to a LOT of "S" program speaker's tapes. One program in particular has provided me with an abundance of really great ones which I listen to and then provide copies of at the appropriate 12 Step meeting (most books on tape, paid speakers & musicians retain rights on their professional intellectual property, but anonymous Joes sharing their opinions at 12 Step meetings which happen to have a microphone in them are not copyrighted material).

Anytime I start to feel qualms at the price of the CDs ($6 + s&h each) I just compare the cost of a batch of a dozen speaker's CDs to one trip to a weekend convention (taxi, airfare, hotel, restaurant, tips, housesitter) and remember that CDs are a bargain. I'd buy them even if I saw the speaker live anyways and the people in my local meeting LOVE ME for all the free CDs I give away (I make 3 copies of each to give away at my home group). It's long been a way to give back that has brought me joy, starting maybe 5 years ago when I'd make copies of the main speaker CDs as souvenir gifts for each of my sponsees when I went to gay AA conventions.

Anyway, back to the point.

So I've been hearing a LOT of great recovery stuff on S program speaker's CDs. The 2 part set I listed to tonight (Discovering Bottom Lines/ Inner, Middle, Outer Circles) included a lot of really specific definitions of measurable behaviors.

Many people spoke about how XYZ behavior (different things for different people) would put them at immediate risk for having sex with someone (who was either inappropriate or as a too fast consequence), and one of them spoke about how kissing on the mouth was something that required great caution.

I thought about the "17 in 3" idea and realized that one potential loophole in it would be a lack of spacing between (lots of people think of this as baby talk but it continues to be a useful and not racy way to discuss the topic for me) progressing along the bases (1st base, 2nd base, etc). I found myself thinking, "if a month passed before I moved from hand holding to kissing, and from kissing to 2nd base, etc, etc" that would be a really good thing for me.

So I'll continue to ponder this. I've done a good job at keeping "sex, romance, flirting; kinky, poly, queer; & anyone I might want to date" out of my life via people, imagination, plays, movies, books, or stories anyone else tells me. So when I heard that speaker talk about kissing, I was like, "Mmmmm, kissing. I forgot how much I like kissing! Hey! That calls for a special & unique boundary, just around that."

A base a month. Not as a required progression, of course, but as maximum speed limit.

Actually, that reminds me of another CD. I heard one about Healthy Relationships with male & female co-chairs. It was a lot more about their distilling professional resources on the topic than it was specifically about that 1 particular 12 Step program literature; often those are the tapes I love the best. This chick told about her standards for intimacy progression in relationship and it make every fiber of my being burst with desire. It was like, "We'd chug along at one level and then it'd be like, 'Hey, I think I might be ready to move to another level.' So we'd discuss what we felt, what we thought, how it would impact us individually, how it would impact us together, and we would make a decision about it together." They did that again and again and again.

I was like, "O.M.G.! If she can set skyscraper high standards like that for intimacy, accountability, process, and integrity and find a partner to meet her in that, maybe I can too. And holy cannoli would THAT be a relationship worth waiting for!" It gave me a lot of hope.

It's also not something I'm likely to be capable of this calendar month. I haven't set any deadlines for my current state of abstinence, but I've been assuming it would last at least until the end of this calendar year while concurrently realizing it could last several years. That would be OK. Wonderful things are happening for me and I don't want the distraction of New Relationship Energy during this time while I'm still applying the lessons from that last 1.5 years in the BDSM scene. I want to glean that f***er for every scrap it's worth!

Sexual Anorexia:

Overcoming Sexual Self Hatred, by Patrick Carnes

This is another of those times when I am reaping the rewards of excessive diligence. I got this book because (a) Patrick wrote it, and so far all his books are PHENOMENAL, (b) I figured if I got a better understanding of the whole swath of sexual dysfunction it might help me better grasp both function & dysfunction in this area with both myself and others, and (c) I wondered specifically if I might find certain previous partners in it. From all 3 perspectives this book is paying off.

This book uses eating disorders language to discuss the continuum of sexual dysfunction: sexual anorexia, sexual addiction (like overeaters), and sexual bulemia (rapid cycling between the 2 extremes). Patrick makes a large production over the point that any addictive behavior, be it acting out via excess or acting in via deprivation, happen in a CONTEXT of family & culture.

Patrick clarifies a point I'd heard long ago but never understood: where there is addiction (excess) there will also be deprivation; where there is deprivation there will also be addiction (excess)... these are the system attempting to balance but missing the mark with extremes. One of the most common forms of simultaneous phase (binge & purge) is where an addict is acting out dramatically outside of a committed relationship but WITHIN that relationship can only act in ... in other words, only be compulsively non sexual. ... [T]he essential terror of the anorexic, that of combining sexuality and intimacy. ...

To live in the fantasy world of compulsive masturbation was safe in its unreality. To love his wife, but not be sexual with her, could also be made safe. The idea of combining the two, however, filled Mick with abject fear. ... What is common for many (sexual anorexics & addicts), however, is acting out -- or acting in -- sexually while avoiding sexual intimacy. ... They all have in common a tremendous fear of sex and intimacy. They are also often tormented by self hatred because they feel so flawed. -p. 65-6
Anorexics believe in control and safety. Their core beliefs tell them they can only rely on themselves because of their unworthiness & unlovability. They believe sex is dangerous and high risk so they try to repress it. They want intimacy but fear it is unreachable for them. So they focus on preventing abandonment. --p. 91

Though she appears loving & kind (by meeting everyone else's needs), Rachel has ultimately become personally unreachable (by not allowing anyone to nurture her). The significant people in her life feel cut out, pushed away, useless, and neglected. This contradictory behavior (helping them but not letting them help or emotionally connect to her vulnerable inner places) is enormously confusing for them. --p. 106

If we can't trust others, including a partner, sex just won't work -- unless we make the other person into an object, which leads to a difficult relationship at best, if not to addiction, as we'll see.

Objectification of Others

When we're asking for help, we're open, emotionally vulnerable, and dependent on another person. Rejection is an ever present possibility. If, however, we view others as objects, we can't be rejected. We're in control of the situation, and we don't have to depend on that "object" for anything. And, most important, we're not emotionally vulnerable. -p. 114 (Let's not forget the opposite extreme: treating oneself as an object to fulfill the other's incessant sexual demands with the mistaken belief that the other will then provide nurturing love which they have to give. That's the basic stance of S-Anons. As Patrick keeps saying, understanding one w/o understanding the other extreme on the continuum would be to miss much of the picture.)

Being taken care of doesn't guarantee being cared for -- emotional support can be missing. -p. 116

[O]ur First STep is to admit we have a need for nurturing -- in general, not just sexually -- and to allow it into our lives. ... The fundamental building block of healthy sexuality is the ability to be nurtured, to feel comfortable with being nurtured, to give ourselves over to being nurtured. If we can't do this, it will never be possible, as an adult, to have healthy sex. -p.119 (So my take away from this chapter is that if someone can't let go, can't care for themself functionally AND emotionally, they will be incapable of intimacy; if they could, they'd already be doing it. Looking for that quality, embodying it myself, is even more important than I thought it was.)

Man... people who grew up in families where they were nurtured & cared for, both emotionally & physically, must have a LOT more free time than I do! I can't even imagine what I'd have done with all the extra time if I hadn't needed to attend thousands of meetings, hundreds of sessions, read tens of books, written notebooks of Stepwork, etc. Dude: and I'm only 42!

contagion of feeling unworthy

When people have well set core beliefs about their own unworthiness the impact of those beliefs leak out in unpleasant ways to other people.

At age 14, in a small, specialized school within a large public high school I experienced a set of peers who were open, accepting and friendly towards me. Up to that point accustomed only to teasing, shunning, ridicule and occasional threats of violence, and having an extreme lack of social skill & self esteem, I lashed out at someone one day. "Hello, hello," I said angrily. "It's like you're all a bunch of parrots! Leave me alone!" I'd never had a group of people be nice or accepting of me before and I didn't know how to interpret or handle it. *sigh* While their efforts were kind & appropriate, on that day my internal pressure went too high and my internal experience of Victim led me to act out on others as a Persecutor.

A person from a 12 Step meeting that I thought I might make a friendship with was called and invited to attend a performance. I did so with enthusiasm: it was a good performance and people usually interpret the invitation as a compliment. She berated me heavily and lengthily for my "inappropriate use of the phone list." Over the years I've probably made 300 phone call invitations to "fellowship" in the form of plays, movie socials, 2for1 lunches and the like. While being stood up happens fairly often (a much higher percentage of NAs than AAs, I've found), no one had ever ripped me a new body part for inviting them somewhere before.

A partner did something that was less than 100% perfect. I highlighted the part they got right. They harangued me for suggesting they'd done something right and then shared with me their hateful self condemnation for the part they missed. The first few times I explained my position but each explanation only increased the fervor of their insults. At first I stopped backing my position up with follow up explanations of why they weren't bad and eventually I just stopped complimenting them. It just wasn't worth getting verbally beat up for.

When people with foundational esteem deficits have extreme fear, coupled with a lack of information, they often overreact into a drama triangle position. Being in the presence of others who do that often makes it extremely difficult not to slip into the triangle oneself. I am having the opportunity to experience a situation in which, at different times with different people, I have (a) experienced the other person going into the triangle, (b) gone into the triangle myself, and (c) been calm, off the triangle, certain that I don't know how things are until I have more information and reasonably secure in my position that I am OK and it is OK, even if the worst interpretation is actually true.

In these situations one person thought they were offering a gift of acceptance and love. The other person, however, found that gift in too great a contrast with their intensely felt sense of internal badness and thus lashed out at the gift giver. *sigh* It's really hard ... like keeping a ram as a pet, one who would smash into you with the forceful bluntness of their horns ... to spend much time in the presence of (much less to be!) someone with decimated esteem/ on the drama triangle. Like cigarette smoke, it's hard not to accidentally inhale.

Note to self:

Be the change you seek.