Sunday, February 07, 2010
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
Monday, February 01, 2010
The Receptionist by Adam Bock
Beverly the receptionist is definitely a woman in charge—she’s the first in the door, she makes the coffee, she has all the pens. Her co-workers … not so much. Beverly holds their lives and schedules together Mr. Dart from the central office arrives unexpectedly and Beverly is left wondering just what sort of company she works for and what her role really is. This darkly comic exploration of a seemingly mundane environment, the office, reunites director Rose Riordan and playwright Adam Bock, author of The Thugs, produced at PCS in 2007. The Receptionist was the hit of Portland’s fringe scene at CoHo Theater in the fall of 2008, and PCS is thrilled to present this stellar work to an even larger audience. Running time for The Receptionist is approx. 90 minutes with no intermission. January 26 to March 21, 2010 $30-40ish.
This is the play that taught me that even with good casting, acting & set, IF the writing is not so much to my liking then the sum total will feel like "not good enough," especially given PCS's higher price.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Carpetbagger's Children by Horton Foote
A family drama unfolds collectively as three sisters take turns sharing their individual memories of life in the small Texas town of Harrison.
Portrayed in a series of monologues, the three women provide an ever-changing perspective on growing up under a despotic and deeply loved father, a Northerner who first went to Texas as part of the Union Army during the Civil War and decided to make his home in this small Texas town.
Written in 2002,this portrait of one family’s evolution provides a strong, yet delicate bridge into the past.
Profile Theater, 3434 SE Belmont, Feb. 3-28, $15-30
I was particularly impressed by the performances of Jane Fellows (Cornelia, middle) and Val Lundrum (Sissie, left). There were occasions with both of them where I sat stunned at the look or voice they had just portrayed. And all of them did a great job when representing the stuttering, deep voice of Brother or the narcissistic, shrill voice of Mama. Great actors really make good writing soar!I hope to attend more of Profile's Horton Foote selections this performance year.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
enslaved
ad⋅dic⋅tion
[uh-dik-shuhn] –noun
ʃən
the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.
Enslaved. Habit forming. Demoralizing. Progressive. Blocks connection with self/God. Need assistance to overcome; unable to quit when left to own devices. Angry/sad/bitter/resentful at consequences. And still craving, nonetheless.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Where will I go from here?
I have allowed these sexual addiction recovery books to have a large impact on me. I have found that their message resonates deeply, reflects accurately and clarifies revolutionarily.
Somewhere in the related literature I encountered the idea that being "on the make" was a bad idea, part of objectification (seeing people through the lens of "are you a potential sexual partner for me?"). I've been single for some months now, and plan to continue doing so for a while, but I'm only 42, not dead yet, and have hopes to enjoy the love of a good woman again in the future, eventually.
So I ponder how it is I've acquired past relationships, where it is I've gone to find potential partners. For the most part I've considered that a function of sexually alternative communities: kink, poly or queer.
It seems to me now that the kink community focuses on the free high (which turns out, for me, to be not so free after all). Poly communities focus on relationships with other people: emotional skills, communication, structure, etc. Focus on others is better than free high, but perhaps (votes are still being counted on this topic) not quite the most ideal orientation given my interests.
What would be most ideal? What is my most valuable, enduring, healthy focus around which I might find a community to participate in that while not SPECIFICALLY being "on the make" I'd also be likely to meet the kind of people who value what I value the most? Places that focus on the spirit. More like quiet accompanyment of the sacred places inside than dogmatic fundamentalist teachings of any type. It seems likely that in a place like that a certain percentage of attendance would perhaps be unencumbered by a shame core (vs. in 12 Step where, although we do mighty work on it, that is practically a prerequisite for membership).
I can think of 2 types of communities in which I might concurrently meet likeminded people and and serve to better my own spiritual connection as well: Quakers and Buddhists.
I think that a percentage of the time/energy/attention I've shown to 12 Step might better be redirected to more inward focused spiritual communities rather than showered entirely on (just Focusing and) 12 Step.
There are a plethora of options in the Portland area. While there's always some small piece of natural resistance to the footwork of learning a new group's setting & norms, there's also a part afraid that (while unlikely, it's possible) I might meet someone who sparks me soon after joining. I consider myself a bad candidate for New Relationship -- heck, I'm barely able to hold up my end of friendship to my compadres of many years -- during this time of massive internal remodeling.
Yet and still, it might happen relatively soon. While one of the Buddhist joints hosts monthly movie nights, multiple meditations & a gay tea (!!), I might instead start with a Quaker ("Friends," they call themselves) meeting first.
Silence: good. Community: good. NRE: not yet.
Somewhere in the related literature I encountered the idea that being "on the make" was a bad idea, part of objectification (seeing people through the lens of "are you a potential sexual partner for me?"). I've been single for some months now, and plan to continue doing so for a while, but I'm only 42, not dead yet, and have hopes to enjoy the love of a good woman again in the future, eventually.
So I ponder how it is I've acquired past relationships, where it is I've gone to find potential partners. For the most part I've considered that a function of sexually alternative communities: kink, poly or queer.
It seems to me now that the kink community focuses on the free high (which turns out, for me, to be not so free after all). Poly communities focus on relationships with other people: emotional skills, communication, structure, etc. Focus on others is better than free high, but perhaps (votes are still being counted on this topic) not quite the most ideal orientation given my interests.
What would be most ideal? What is my most valuable, enduring, healthy focus around which I might find a community to participate in that while not SPECIFICALLY being "on the make" I'd also be likely to meet the kind of people who value what I value the most? Places that focus on the spirit. More like quiet accompanyment of the sacred places inside than dogmatic fundamentalist teachings of any type. It seems likely that in a place like that a certain percentage of attendance would perhaps be unencumbered by a shame core (vs. in 12 Step where, although we do mighty work on it, that is practically a prerequisite for membership).
I can think of 2 types of communities in which I might concurrently meet likeminded people and and serve to better my own spiritual connection as well: Quakers and Buddhists.
I think that a percentage of the time/energy/attention I've shown to 12 Step might better be redirected to more inward focused spiritual communities rather than showered entirely on (just Focusing and) 12 Step.
There are a plethora of options in the Portland area. While there's always some small piece of natural resistance to the footwork of learning a new group's setting & norms, there's also a part afraid that (while unlikely, it's possible) I might meet someone who sparks me soon after joining. I consider myself a bad candidate for New Relationship -- heck, I'm barely able to hold up my end of friendship to my compadres of many years -- during this time of massive internal remodeling.
Yet and still, it might happen relatively soon. While one of the Buddhist joints hosts monthly movie nights, multiple meditations & a gay tea (!!), I might instead start with a Quaker ("Friends," they call themselves) meeting first.
Silence: good. Community: good. NRE: not yet.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
excerpt from Shambhala Sun
... The Tibetan Buddhist master Chogyam Trungpa talks about a soft spot, a raw spot, a wounded spot on the body or in the heart. A spot that is painful and sore. A spot that may emerge in the ace of a loss. We hate such spots so we try to prevent them. And if we can't prevent them we try to cover them up, so we won't absentmindedly rub them or pour hot or cold water on them. A sore spot is no fun. Yet it is valuable. Trungpa Rinpoche calls the sore spot embryonic compassion, potential compassion. Our loss, our wound, is precious to us because it can wake us up to love, and to loving action.
When sudden loss or trouble occurs, we feel shock and bewilderment, as I did when Alan died. We wonder, what just happened? For so long we expected things to be as they had been, had taken this as much for granted as the air we breathe. And suddenly it is not so. Maybe tomorrow, we think, we will wake up to discover that his devastating change was all just a temporary mistake, and that things are back to normal. (After Alan's death I had some dreams that he hadn't actually died, that it had all been some sort of correctable slipup.) After the shock passes, fear and despair arrive. We are anxious about our uncertain future, over which we have so little control. It's easy to fall into the paralysis of despair, caroming back to our childish default position of feeling completely vulnerable and unprepared in a harsh & hostile world. This fearful feeling of self-diminishment may darken our view to such an extent that we find ourselves wondering whether we are worthwhile people, whether we're capable of surviving in this tough world, whether we deserve to survive, whether our lives matter, whether there is any point in trying to do anything at all.
This is what it feels like when the raw spot is rubbed. The sense of loss, the despair, and the fear are terrible and we hate it, but it is exactly what we need. It is the embryo of compassion stirring to be born. Birth is painful.
Too many people in times like these don't have the heart to do spiritual practice. But these are the best times for practice, because motivation is so clear. Practice is not simply a lifestyle choice or a refinement. There is no choice. It's a matter of survival. The tremendous benefit of simple meditation practice is most salient in these moments. Having exhausted all avenues of activity that might change your outward circumstances, and given up on other means of finding inner relief for your raging or sinking mind, there is nothing better to do than to sit down on a chair or cushion and just be present with your situation. There you sit, feeling your body. You try to sit up straight, with some basic human dignity. You notice you are breathing. You also notice that troubling thoughts and feelings are present in the mind. You are not here to make them go away or to cover them up with pleasant and encouraging spiritual slogans. There they are, all your demons, your repetitive negative themes. Your mind is (to borrow a phrase from poet Michael Palmer) a museum of negativity. And you are sitting there quietly breathing inside that museum. There is nothing else to do. You can't fix anything -- the situation is beyond that. Gradually it dawns on you that these dark thoughts and anxious feelings are just that -- thinking, feeling. They are exhibits in the museum of negativity, but not necessarily realities of the outside world. This simple insight -- that thoughts and feelings are thoughts and feelings -- is slight, but it makes all the difference. You continue to sit, continue to pay attention to body and breath, and you label everything else "thinking, thinking: feeling, feeling." Eventually you are able to pick up your coat from the coat check and walk out of the museum into the sunlight.
Confronting, accepting, being with negative thinking and feeling, knowing that they are not the whole of reality and not you, is the most fruitful and beneficial of all spiritual practices -- better even than experiencing bliss or oneness. You can practice it on the meditation cushion in the simple way I have described, but you can also practice it in other ways. ...
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
mistakes
MISTAKES AS TEACHERS
There is no way you can learn any task or skill without errors. The process of learning has been defined as "successive approximation." Watch children learning to walk. They literally learn to walk by falling down. Each time they fall, they adjust their balance and try again. Each failure creates a successive approximation. finally they can walk.
Mistakes are a form of feedback. Every error tells us what we need to correct. As we correct each mistake, we get nearer to the behavioral sequence that works best.
As a teacher I know that students who fear making mistakes have trouble learning. They are scared to tackle new material because of the possibility of not understanding it. Such students go on to take the 1st job they are offered. They often stay in that job for a lifetime. They are too scared to get a new joy because they would be faced with new procedures and challenges. They won't get new and advanced training because the inevitable mistakes are just too painful.
Again McKay and Fanning say it beautifully:
Framing mistakes as NECESSARY feedback for the learning process frees you to relax and focus on your gradual mastery of the new task. Mistakes are information about what works and what doesn't work. They have nothing to do with your worth or intelligence. They are merely steps to a goal.
COMMON CATEGORIES OF MISTAKES
There are common categories of mistakes. 10 of the most common are:
1. Errors of Data. You write down a phone number as 529-6188 when it was actually 529-6185.
2. Errors of Judgment. You decide to buy the cheaper shoes and they lose their form in 6 months.
3. White Lies. You say you're sick and you run into your boss at the grocery store.
4. Procrastination. You keep putting off the visit to the dentist. Now it's the weekend and you have a raging toothache.
5. Forgetfulness. You go out for a fun shopping trip and forget your money.
6. Missed Chances. The gold you decided not to buy at $48 an ounce is now $432 an ounce.
7. Overindulgence. You ate the whole thing and you're sick all night.
8. Wasted Energy. You work on a manuscript entitled Places In The Heart and a movie comes out with that exact title. (It happened to me.)
9. Failure to Reach a Goal. You're on the summer trip to the beach and you're still fat.
10. Impatience. You try to flip the fish over the side of the boat and it spits out the hook.
Many more categories could be added to the list. These are human issues. They are natural. The common thread running through all of these examples is this: a mistake is always the product of hindsight. McKay and Fanning write:
A mistake is anything you do that you later, upon reflection, wish you had done differently. This applies to things you didn't do that you later, upon reflection, wish you had done.
Hindsight is what you see so clearly later on. The key word is "later." It is the later interpretation that turns the action into a mistake. A mistake is a label you apply in retrospect.
There is no way you can learn any task or skill without errors. The process of learning has been defined as "successive approximation." Watch children learning to walk. They literally learn to walk by falling down. Each time they fall, they adjust their balance and try again. Each failure creates a successive approximation. finally they can walk.
Mistakes are a form of feedback. Every error tells us what we need to correct. As we correct each mistake, we get nearer to the behavioral sequence that works best.
As a teacher I know that students who fear making mistakes have trouble learning. They are scared to tackle new material because of the possibility of not understanding it. Such students go on to take the 1st job they are offered. They often stay in that job for a lifetime. They are too scared to get a new joy because they would be faced with new procedures and challenges. They won't get new and advanced training because the inevitable mistakes are just too painful.
Again McKay and Fanning say it beautifully:
Framing mistakes as NECESSARY feedback for the learning process frees you to relax and focus on your gradual mastery of the new task. Mistakes are information about what works and what doesn't work. They have nothing to do with your worth or intelligence. They are merely steps to a goal.
COMMON CATEGORIES OF MISTAKES
There are common categories of mistakes. 10 of the most common are:
1. Errors of Data. You write down a phone number as 529-6188 when it was actually 529-6185.
2. Errors of Judgment. You decide to buy the cheaper shoes and they lose their form in 6 months.
3. White Lies. You say you're sick and you run into your boss at the grocery store.
4. Procrastination. You keep putting off the visit to the dentist. Now it's the weekend and you have a raging toothache.
5. Forgetfulness. You go out for a fun shopping trip and forget your money.
6. Missed Chances. The gold you decided not to buy at $48 an ounce is now $432 an ounce.
7. Overindulgence. You ate the whole thing and you're sick all night.
8. Wasted Energy. You work on a manuscript entitled Places In The Heart and a movie comes out with that exact title. (It happened to me.)
9. Failure to Reach a Goal. You're on the summer trip to the beach and you're still fat.
10. Impatience. You try to flip the fish over the side of the boat and it spits out the hook.
Many more categories could be added to the list. These are human issues. They are natural. The common thread running through all of these examples is this: a mistake is always the product of hindsight. McKay and Fanning write:
A mistake is anything you do that you later, upon reflection, wish you had done differently. This applies to things you didn't do that you later, upon reflection, wish you had done.
Hindsight is what you see so clearly later on. The key word is "later." It is the later interpretation that turns the action into a mistake. A mistake is a label you apply in retrospect.
--Healing The Shame That Binds You, rev., pgs. 230-1
I'm having a difficulty with #6, missed chance. If I had it to do over I would've cashed out instead of 1031 exchanged into my PV property. It was a fantastic time to do so: top pricing in the real estate market, low capital gains tax (I suspect it'll increase), and great diversification for my mostly-real-estate portfolio of assets. Plus, there are numerous reasons I wouldn't again choose this particular property or as fully trust that particular Realtor.
Let's just say that now my contact with my gut is increasing, I'm discovering it has a LOT to say about almost every aspect of that situation. The part where it ties into terror (the world is unsafe; my needs won't be met) is challenging, the part where it's a visceral experience of the stunning wisdom & well rounded knowing springing from connection with self is inspiring.
Let's just say that now my contact with my gut is increasing, I'm discovering it has a LOT to say about almost every aspect of that situation. The part where it ties into terror (the world is unsafe; my needs won't be met) is challenging, the part where it's a visceral experience of the stunning wisdom & well rounded knowing springing from connection with self is inspiring.
Monday, January 25, 2010
shame core
FEELING, NEED & DRIVE SHAME BINDS
The shame binding of feelings, needs and natural instinctual drives is a key factor in changing healthy shame into toxic shame. To be shame-bound means that whenever you feel any feeling, need or drive, you immediately feel ashamed. The dynamic core of your human life is grounded in your feelings, needs and drives. When these are bound by shame, you are shamed to the core.
The shame binding of feelings, needs and natural instinctual drives is a key factor in changing healthy shame into toxic shame. To be shame-bound means that whenever you feel any feeling, need or drive, you immediately feel ashamed. The dynamic core of your human life is grounded in your feelings, needs and drives. When these are bound by shame, you are shamed to the core.
--Healing The Shame That Binds You, rev., p. 32
One way this can be accomplished is to be totally dismissive. I think that's often how it happened for me, both long ago with parents and recently with partners.
I remember in elementary school telling my Mom I felt sick and she sent me to school anyway. I went to the school nurse who said, "Why did you come to school when you're sick?" All I could say was, "I don't know; I told my Mom; she sent me anyway." Years later I asked my Mom and she said, "You always said you didn't feel well. Kids say things; it doesn't mean anything. So I ignored it." I don't remember ever faking illness, but I do remember getting pulled out of school for having chicken pox around that time.
My point is not to say "bad parent" (they got some parts right while others were missing) but rather it's the few memories like that which help me understand why it makes sense that, by age 10, when I needed a bra, that I had already learned to stop asking for my needs to get met. I could ask for some wants (like C-mas or birthday presents) but if it was a real need, I learned that it was bad enough to actually have a need (that didn't fall within the range of my parents' awareness) but to have it publicly known that I had that need (and the assumption is that it would fail to be met) just added humiliation to the mix. Therefore, it hurt less to say nothing. The more important it was (I won't even post the story about my period) the more true it was.
I had well into double digits of recovery before I even started to grasp that the "Don't talk, don't trust, don't feel" rules applied to my family, too. I could repeat the slogan but I didn't know what it meant; it's fair to say I'm still grappling with this. Like sexual addiction, or like the water a fish swims in, it was such an invisible main ingredient to my life that I couldn't distance myself enough to identify it. It's confusing to make sense of mixed messages like plentiful presents but spotty health care.
Knowing stuff like this is helpful. It was mindbogglingly confusing to me that I found being in my parent's home so distressing. I wept when I had to return home from boarding school and I even burned my face with a cigarette, hoping to get into CPS custody (but couldn't go through with the lie that my parents had done it). The pretty outsides with often shallow insides were so confusing: invisible harm is perhaps harder to bear than that which one can identify. If everybody treats me like I don't matter that becomes what I know to be true, like gravity or the wetness of rain.
These are causes and supports of my shame core. These are why I try so hard to be present for others' needs (don't want them to hurt like I was hurt) but, on my own, often have missed the boat on taking care of my myself. Identifying this + learning the Drama Triangle dynamics + aspects of every one of those 14 different 12 Step programs I've attended + techniques like Focusing wherein I accompany the shame core combine to offer me a way out.
I have 2 decades in 12 Step; I'm still obese and I still have obscenely dysfunctional relationships in my recent past. Please, gawd, this has got to end some time. It would be difficult to show more dedication to a cause than I have with this, despite so many slips climbing up this long, muddy slope.
I remember in elementary school telling my Mom I felt sick and she sent me to school anyway. I went to the school nurse who said, "Why did you come to school when you're sick?" All I could say was, "I don't know; I told my Mom; she sent me anyway." Years later I asked my Mom and she said, "You always said you didn't feel well. Kids say things; it doesn't mean anything. So I ignored it." I don't remember ever faking illness, but I do remember getting pulled out of school for having chicken pox around that time.
My point is not to say "bad parent" (they got some parts right while others were missing) but rather it's the few memories like that which help me understand why it makes sense that, by age 10, when I needed a bra, that I had already learned to stop asking for my needs to get met. I could ask for some wants (like C-mas or birthday presents) but if it was a real need, I learned that it was bad enough to actually have a need (that didn't fall within the range of my parents' awareness) but to have it publicly known that I had that need (and the assumption is that it would fail to be met) just added humiliation to the mix. Therefore, it hurt less to say nothing. The more important it was (I won't even post the story about my period) the more true it was.
I had well into double digits of recovery before I even started to grasp that the "Don't talk, don't trust, don't feel" rules applied to my family, too. I could repeat the slogan but I didn't know what it meant; it's fair to say I'm still grappling with this. Like sexual addiction, or like the water a fish swims in, it was such an invisible main ingredient to my life that I couldn't distance myself enough to identify it. It's confusing to make sense of mixed messages like plentiful presents but spotty health care.
Knowing stuff like this is helpful. It was mindbogglingly confusing to me that I found being in my parent's home so distressing. I wept when I had to return home from boarding school and I even burned my face with a cigarette, hoping to get into CPS custody (but couldn't go through with the lie that my parents had done it). The pretty outsides with often shallow insides were so confusing: invisible harm is perhaps harder to bear than that which one can identify. If everybody treats me like I don't matter that becomes what I know to be true, like gravity or the wetness of rain.
These are causes and supports of my shame core. These are why I try so hard to be present for others' needs (don't want them to hurt like I was hurt) but, on my own, often have missed the boat on taking care of my myself. Identifying this + learning the Drama Triangle dynamics + aspects of every one of those 14 different 12 Step programs I've attended + techniques like Focusing wherein I accompany the shame core combine to offer me a way out.
I have 2 decades in 12 Step; I'm still obese and I still have obscenely dysfunctional relationships in my recent past. Please, gawd, this has got to end some time. It would be difficult to show more dedication to a cause than I have with this, despite so many slips climbing up this long, muddy slope.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
dry + crunch
I've found that sometimes I just want to eat a food that is dry and has crunch.Often that leads me to cookies, but often it's not really the COOKIE that I want, but rather the consistency.
Recently I've been on a clam dip & chip kick. I've chowed down on this meal many, many times these last few months: 16 oz. light sour cream, 4/5 of a packet of Hidden Valley Ranch dip mix, 2 cans minced clams + chips = 2 main meals.When it comes to chips, I tried potato chips but really, they just get too salty & greasy. They are definitely "a little dab 'll do ya" kinda food. That's also why I cut down on the dip mix: too salty!
I also tried carrots... ranch goes well with carrot, and they are quite crunchy... but, unfortunately, carrot + clam = a really bad combination.
The apex of great match seems, for me, to come from pop chips. They're still pretty salty but the grease is much less. And they have a great consistency: dry and thick. Sorta like good styrofoam. Original is my favorite.Noticing how much I like them, I was reminded of another food from long ago that is dry, crunchy, and even more like styrofoam: Quaker Rice Cakes. So I bought some.
I find that I now like them a lot. Less sweet & salty than crackers, they are fine w/o accompaniment and hit the spot just right. I don't care for white cheddar, but so far the others are pretty good.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Rescuer's contempt, Victim's resentment
Having been re-exposed a few weeks ago to a brief summary of some of the principles in John Gottman's Why Marriages Succeed Or Fail I really experienced how true it was that I came to have contempt for my former partner of some years ago, X. And, as anyone who has read the book knows, contempt is "one of the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse," his kitschy phrase for 4 legs of the relationship death knell.
And so I was thinking that, given how totally infatuated, how absolutely ga ga I was over X, and for so long, and with the enormous contributions I made in that relationship, this must have SOMETHING to do with something I did totally wrong. Not only me, but I must've played a big (ie, 50%) role in it. And perhaps that something wrong had something to do with the drama triangle.
**lightbulb**
And then it came to me: words from my personalized drama triangle diagram.
The Rescuer "keeps dysfunctional situations afloat via overcontributions." If the Rescuer is typically punished by Victim for their "aid," certainly this "aid" has other deleterious effects... like the Rescuer losing respect for the Victim if the Victim keeps soaking in aid, as if a dry riverbed seeking to refill itself from my well. Eventually the Rescuer thinks, "Geez, contribute some yourself!"
But if I am a Rescuer, a "boundaryless do-gooder" who is "aware of the Victim's needs but not my own," the Rescuer won't pay attention to the internal gut-messages which say, "Stop contributing! Let X succeed or fail on their own! The urge to overcontribute is based on several ILLUSIONS: that the overcontributions will be temporary, that the Victim will suddenly contribute more in future, that overcontributions help rather than hurt, and that 'hurting me now to help save 'us'' is more important than being true to myself."
And this is NOT (for my purposes here, stick with me) a statement of "bad X," but rather to point out that I WAS THE ONE WHO OVER CONTRIBUTED, my over contributions kept the dysfunctional system afloat, and then as a result I gained contempt for the one who received my over contributions. Dude! So in that way my contempt for X was a natural result of my boundary failure!
Now let's back check the concept. If I'm off the triangle, and someone undercontributes, do I feel contempt? No, I don't. I simply see them for who & what they are in this particular situation and accept that. I may or may not have an accompanying feeling of disappointment, but it's not a situation I need to rally against; it's accept-able, even when not my first preference.
This indicates that if I feel contempt for someone I should double check my history with them to look for significant contribution inequities (or other aspects of the drama triangle).
___________
Looking at Gottman's 4 "horsemen," (criticism, contempt, defensiveness & stonewalling) I see 2 primary patterns in my relationship history.
V/V: With people who are starting gate Victims who, upon challenge, retreat further into Victim role (or one could say the subtler versions of Persecutor by creating distance in relationship by going away emotionally, via things like sexual anorexia, televison, books... in other words, stonewalling) I feel contempt. I am hooked into the triangle when I keep trying to Rescue them into motivation to cease the self neglect, care for themselves, and return to emotional availability/intimacy/vibrancy with me (and life in general).
V/P: However, with people who start out in the Victim role in some way but who, upon challenge, lash out at me via Persecutor role (loud insults, threats, dramatic exits... in other words, criticism, usually projecting traits like "disorganized" that match them way better than they match me) I don't feel contempt, I feel confusion & despair. I feel "not good enough," am hooked into the triangle and I keep trying to prove my worthiness to them, to not be what they've said I am or to not fail at being the person in their life who will love them out of their unhappy situation.
See, when I can figure stuff like this out I feel excited, enthused, encouraged, motivated, rewarded for my long efforts. Because as a long time 12 Stepper I know that the odds of me growing out of my defects is way more realistic of a possibility than me being able to transform someone else into being who I'd like them to be. In other words, it's empowering.
And so I was thinking that, given how totally infatuated, how absolutely ga ga I was over X, and for so long, and with the enormous contributions I made in that relationship, this must have SOMETHING to do with something I did totally wrong. Not only me, but I must've played a big (ie, 50%) role in it. And perhaps that something wrong had something to do with the drama triangle.
**lightbulb**
And then it came to me: words from my personalized drama triangle diagram.
The Rescuer "keeps dysfunctional situations afloat via overcontributions." If the Rescuer is typically punished by Victim for their "aid," certainly this "aid" has other deleterious effects... like the Rescuer losing respect for the Victim if the Victim keeps soaking in aid, as if a dry riverbed seeking to refill itself from my well. Eventually the Rescuer thinks, "Geez, contribute some yourself!"
But if I am a Rescuer, a "boundaryless do-gooder" who is "aware of the Victim's needs but not my own," the Rescuer won't pay attention to the internal gut-messages which say, "Stop contributing! Let X succeed or fail on their own! The urge to overcontribute is based on several ILLUSIONS: that the overcontributions will be temporary, that the Victim will suddenly contribute more in future, that overcontributions help rather than hurt, and that 'hurting me now to help save 'us'' is more important than being true to myself."
And this is NOT (for my purposes here, stick with me) a statement of "bad X," but rather to point out that I WAS THE ONE WHO OVER CONTRIBUTED, my over contributions kept the dysfunctional system afloat, and then as a result I gained contempt for the one who received my over contributions. Dude! So in that way my contempt for X was a natural result of my boundary failure!
Now let's back check the concept. If I'm off the triangle, and someone undercontributes, do I feel contempt? No, I don't. I simply see them for who & what they are in this particular situation and accept that. I may or may not have an accompanying feeling of disappointment, but it's not a situation I need to rally against; it's accept-able, even when not my first preference.
This indicates that if I feel contempt for someone I should double check my history with them to look for significant contribution inequities (or other aspects of the drama triangle).
___________
Looking at Gottman's 4 "horsemen," (criticism, contempt, defensiveness & stonewalling) I see 2 primary patterns in my relationship history.
V/V: With people who are starting gate Victims who, upon challenge, retreat further into Victim role (or one could say the subtler versions of Persecutor by creating distance in relationship by going away emotionally, via things like sexual anorexia, televison, books... in other words, stonewalling) I feel contempt. I am hooked into the triangle when I keep trying to Rescue them into motivation to cease the self neglect, care for themselves, and return to emotional availability/intimacy/vibrancy with me (and life in general).
V/P: However, with people who start out in the Victim role in some way but who, upon challenge, lash out at me via Persecutor role (loud insults, threats, dramatic exits... in other words, criticism, usually projecting traits like "disorganized" that match them way better than they match me) I don't feel contempt, I feel confusion & despair. I feel "not good enough," am hooked into the triangle and I keep trying to prove my worthiness to them, to not be what they've said I am or to not fail at being the person in their life who will love them out of their unhappy situation.
See, when I can figure stuff like this out I feel excited, enthused, encouraged, motivated, rewarded for my long efforts. Because as a long time 12 Stepper I know that the odds of me growing out of my defects is way more realistic of a possibility than me being able to transform someone else into being who I'd like them to be. In other words, it's empowering.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Steps 8 & 9 ...part 2
Finding The Fruit of It (Working Steps 8 & 9)
CD # 159 A2 (part 2 of 4) year: 2002 from SAA ISO
Buy the 4 CD set here for $6 + s&h
Buy the 4 CD set here for $6 + s&h
((30 minutes of background chattering later...))
The Top 3 Things We Look For / Want From Person Coming To Make Amends To Me...
((4 groups of 4 presented their lists & workshop leader gave "reflective listening" paraphrases of them back, afterwords:))
____________________
1) Ownership of behavior -- admission -- take responsibility
2) Apology for inappropriate behavior
3) Acknowledgment that s/he is working on his/her problems/issues. Talk about how s/he's changing.
______________________
1) A genuine sense of remorse -- person knew what had done & how it hurt us -- An obvious show of remorse for it.
2) See a real honesty & sincerity in current behavior & actions -- that they're telling the truth now & they're here to REALLY make it right
3) Willingness to make appropriate restitution to do whatever it took to make up for what s/he'd done.
_____________________
1) Say they're sorry (specifically, "I'm sorry")
2) An explanation
3) Not to do it any more, not to anyone else
4) To acknowledge what they'd done
____________________
1) Acknowledge that what they did was wrong
2) Listen to the effect it had on victim, to be heard by them
3) Allow victim to determine how amends would take place
_____________________
If we're going to make amends we should honor what they want -- we're here to serve that person, to be of service to them. Being in service in our amends.
____________________
(Question from audience:) "Amends: Are they for ourselves? Or for the other person? I've heard both."
When we go to make amends it's about being present for the other person. This is about finding humility, takeing responsibility, it's about the other person. The result of what we do is ultimately for us.
What we get out of this process is to be able to walk away and say, "I've done everything I can." We've said, "Wis it that I can do to make this right with you?" So we can walk away and we can put this event behind us.
______________________
(( I want to be able to do so with numerous experiences in the last few years, but I know I'm not ready. I haven't worked Steps 1-7 on those new situations yet and thus would be unable to have the wisdom to know how to proceed... other than the simple basic of staying away.
I'm not a Step work procrastinator, so it takes self discipline to hold back the "good" (doing what I'm familiar & accustomed to, 12 Step work, a well worn path that leads to relatively quick & solid gratification) for the "best" (this shame core/ trust/ safety work that is indicated to be first priority now and is actually far more difficult and slow).
One thing I do know for sure: a botched amends does more harm than delayed amends. I'm not one to skimp or delay Step work, but it must be noted that premature (aka, immature) amends are WAY worse than delayed (but wise, proper, well prepared & mindful-of-the-other-person) amends.))
The Top 3 Things We Look For / Want From Person Coming To Make Amends To Me...
((4 groups of 4 presented their lists & workshop leader gave "reflective listening" paraphrases of them back, afterwords:))
____________________
1) Ownership of behavior -- admission -- take responsibility
2) Apology for inappropriate behavior
3) Acknowledgment that s/he is working on his/her problems/issues. Talk about how s/he's changing.
______________________
1) A genuine sense of remorse -- person knew what had done & how it hurt us -- An obvious show of remorse for it.
2) See a real honesty & sincerity in current behavior & actions -- that they're telling the truth now & they're here to REALLY make it right
3) Willingness to make appropriate restitution to do whatever it took to make up for what s/he'd done.
_____________________
1) Say they're sorry (specifically, "I'm sorry")
2) An explanation
3) Not to do it any more, not to anyone else
4) To acknowledge what they'd done
____________________
1) Acknowledge that what they did was wrong
2) Listen to the effect it had on victim, to be heard by them
3) Allow victim to determine how amends would take place
_____________________
If we're going to make amends we should honor what they want -- we're here to serve that person, to be of service to them. Being in service in our amends.
____________________
(Question from audience:) "Amends: Are they for ourselves? Or for the other person? I've heard both."
When we go to make amends it's about being present for the other person. This is about finding humility, takeing responsibility, it's about the other person. The result of what we do is ultimately for us.
What we get out of this process is to be able to walk away and say, "I've done everything I can." We've said, "Wis it that I can do to make this right with you?" So we can walk away and we can put this event behind us.
______________________
(( I want to be able to do so with numerous experiences in the last few years, but I know I'm not ready. I haven't worked Steps 1-7 on those new situations yet and thus would be unable to have the wisdom to know how to proceed... other than the simple basic of staying away.
I'm not a Step work procrastinator, so it takes self discipline to hold back the "good" (doing what I'm familiar & accustomed to, 12 Step work, a well worn path that leads to relatively quick & solid gratification) for the "best" (this shame core/ trust/ safety work that is indicated to be first priority now and is actually far more difficult and slow).
One thing I do know for sure: a botched amends does more harm than delayed amends. I'm not one to skimp or delay Step work, but it must be noted that premature (aka, immature) amends are WAY worse than delayed (but wise, proper, well prepared & mindful-of-the-other-person) amends.))
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
American Sueno
AMERICAN SUEÑOA Teatro Milagro original bilingual production
Created by Dañel Malán and Rebecca Martínez
January 15-23, 2010
We are the outsiders — the homeless, the outcast, the gay, the immigrant — but we still dream “The American Dream” … everybody’s hope for a better job, a better life, a better tomorrow. Weaving together our real-life stories, American Sueño is our hopeful journey toward a new era of acceptance. Miracle Theater, $12-20
Between gay, bi, trans and paperless immigrant, they covered a pretty broad spectrum of subculture!
Although I didn't choose to purchase one of their CDs, Joaquin Lopez (Augustin) has a really nice voice.
Miracle (Milagro) utilizes a variety of approaches in their productions. This one wasn't translated, but rather characters would commonly speak half their message in Spanish, half in English. It's been a while since I even thought in Spanish so I missed some of the details, but the general gist was clear enough.
Monday, January 18, 2010
anger
Tonight my Focusing group had DVD night. It has become the highpoint of my month.
We're doing a series of movies by Shirley Turcott. She's a Canadian Focusing oriented therapist who specializes in Trauma. Numerous of the movie night attendees are therapists.
The best part is pausing the video to question or comment on what's happening. I've learned a lot.
Tonight during one part of the demonstration (Shirley did a 45 min. session with client Jack) he got in touch with anger, below which was hurt. I paused the movie and asked the others: it sounded like Shirley assumed the hurt was under the anger, and I've read that anger is always a cover for something else, but isn't it actually true that sometimes anger is the cover and other times anger is the hidden thing?
I got a resounding yes from the other participants. One person might have anger as a primary defense and know almost no other feeling other than anger. Another person might be almost incapable of holding anger; that happens most often with rage. It depends a lot on what feelings were disallowed by the family of origin. I tend towards the latter, myself, and have dated both types.
I also really enjoyed the part where she (a) was a witness to her client's process, seeing/hearing/reflecting his experience and (b) moderated intensity by going to the difficult place in the past, then backing out into the present, back and forth, and ending what was an amazing session (few are as pure gold as this was) with "attaching" him to a group of others who'd experienced similar things and reframing his experience with what Pamela calls self appreciation.
It was also an EXCELLENT demonstration of the difference between vicarious (carrying someone else's projected) feelings and one's own (internally generated) feelings, and how the 2 can easily get all mixed up together (especially at a young age like 2 1/2), yet and still with a little gentle accompaniment and gentle wondering one's body knows the difference. Exciting stuff!
It was an awesome Focusing DVD; probably the best of the bunch so far (out of probably 20).
I'm so glad that even when I was head over heels invested in the BDSM scene I never entirely let go of my Focusing & 12 Step groups. My heart & attention wasn't there, but I continued to attend, and that diligence has really paid off for me now that I have my head back again.
We're doing a series of movies by Shirley Turcott. She's a Canadian Focusing oriented therapist who specializes in Trauma. Numerous of the movie night attendees are therapists.
The best part is pausing the video to question or comment on what's happening. I've learned a lot.
Tonight during one part of the demonstration (Shirley did a 45 min. session with client Jack) he got in touch with anger, below which was hurt. I paused the movie and asked the others: it sounded like Shirley assumed the hurt was under the anger, and I've read that anger is always a cover for something else, but isn't it actually true that sometimes anger is the cover and other times anger is the hidden thing?
I got a resounding yes from the other participants. One person might have anger as a primary defense and know almost no other feeling other than anger. Another person might be almost incapable of holding anger; that happens most often with rage. It depends a lot on what feelings were disallowed by the family of origin. I tend towards the latter, myself, and have dated both types.
I also really enjoyed the part where she (a) was a witness to her client's process, seeing/hearing/reflecting his experience and (b) moderated intensity by going to the difficult place in the past, then backing out into the present, back and forth, and ending what was an amazing session (few are as pure gold as this was) with "attaching" him to a group of others who'd experienced similar things and reframing his experience with what Pamela calls self appreciation.
It was also an EXCELLENT demonstration of the difference between vicarious (carrying someone else's projected) feelings and one's own (internally generated) feelings, and how the 2 can easily get all mixed up together (especially at a young age like 2 1/2), yet and still with a little gentle accompaniment and gentle wondering one's body knows the difference. Exciting stuff!
It was an awesome Focusing DVD; probably the best of the bunch so far (out of probably 20).
I'm so glad that even when I was head over heels invested in the BDSM scene I never entirely let go of my Focusing & 12 Step groups. My heart & attention wasn't there, but I continued to attend, and that diligence has really paid off for me now that I have my head back again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
