Jayne Dough

project rebalance: week 1

2012-01-24T10:12:00.000-08:00

Week 1:
Goal: (a) Drop Netflix. (b) Reduce theater. (c)Ponder purpose, method & upcoming changes.

Result:
(a) CHECK. I finished off the in-hand Netflix discs. I returned them all. I sent back parts 2 & 3 of (that 1970s tv mini-series) ROOTS unwatched, because I knew it'd be easier.

(b) CHECK. I dropped several shows (even though I'd already paid). I announced it. I continue to waver between 2 and 3 shows per week, and hypothesize 2-3 is the best, most realistic goal.

(c) CHECK. This idea of weekly increments moving towards the goal seems better than trying to complete a 180 all at once... both less painful and more mindful.

Week 2:
Goal: (a) Maintain progress. (b) Add in one new thing, twice. (c) Continue to ponder purpose, method, & upcoming changes.

Groovin' Greenhouse

2012-01-23T09:23:00.000-08:00

In the end, there were 4 performance companies. The pin-up-girl bit by DCO (which included pink panties with rows of fluffy lace sewn on the outside) in the middle wasn't my thing, and I liked much of what NW Fusion did in the beginning but, hands down, Polaris' number... the music, the moves, the choreography... was my favorite. We need more dance like THAT in the world!

I like that

2012-01-22T16:28:00.000-08:00

A friend used this phrase during a conversation:

"openly & happily gay"

I think I might see if there's somewhere I could utilize that phrase.

attempts to re-balance.... yet again!

2012-01-21T21:06:00.000-08:00

excerpt from a letter

Last weekend I found myself remembering a brief season in my life where I felt spacious, whole, complete, in touch with the spiritual grand scale & all the mundane day-to-day details... all at the same time. It was surprising how NOT intense it was. Rather, it was a subtle, peaceful, spacious, calm, mild, pleasant contentment that easily lent itself to a truly foreign experience: happiness... even (or, perhaps, especially?) due to no exterior reason at all.

I was remembering all that, how I wanted it back, and what elements were/ not in my life at that time.

That led to a list of what was in my life, what elements used to be in my life, and notes of what needed to increase, to decrease, or to stay the same.

Glaringly obvious was that 2 categories needed a massive reduction: Netflix DVDs and theater performances.

I eventually came up with a mini chart for how much of each item was the (1st draft) goal amount, but that may or may not (don't know yet) ever be the way to manage it. What I do know is that, right now, the next indicated step is to create the pain of reducing DVDs and theater attendance.

Did I mention it's painful?

However, there is no room for even better stuff (like variety & down time) while I continue to be over busy in those areas. I don't have good language to describe this, but the idea is that I'm holding on one hand the big picture (a visceral memory of that contented time) and what it takes to get there (of which creating some empty spots is just a beginning) and on the other hand the necessity to endure the pain of "kicking" that which fills up so much space in my life.

This is a method which is in sharp contrast to (what S programs call "acting in" and -Anon programs call "manage & control") that hyper, rigid, over-controlling taskmaster trying to force... to fully impose/ coerce a change on the rest of me (aka my old M.O.).

________________
AFTERWORDS:
I decided to try to tackle the DVDs first. Pondering the several times I've had to reduce my viewership, I remembered that coming from the over-attached place it can become even MORE difficult to do some than it is to do none with Netflix, given that another goal is to not live or die by whether or not I received a Netflix in the mail. I decided to suspend my subscription for a month. I can watch what I own, I can watch in theaters with my movie social group, but I'll step aside from Netflix. Think of it as ripping the Band-Aid off. That alone will create a huge gap of free time.

Concurrently, I'm eyeballing my pre-paid theater performances with an eye towards what to chop out (tonight I skipped out of tEEth, a White Bird dance production) to reduce it to 3 shows a week. After I run through the events I've already pre-paid (up to the 3rd week of Feb) I hope to tackle the EXTREME PAIN of limiting my shows to 2-3 a week. I'd like to say 2 a week, but I don't know if that's realistic, so 2-3 it is.

I really want better for myself than I've been having, and that won't happen without the pain of creating change. Once new habits are in place they won't be (very) painful to maintain anymore... and then, eventually, better results are likely to come. I want that.

Frenetically keeping myself busy all the time... even without desserts... isn't the worst way to live a life, but I think I can do -- and get -- better.

Mitch Charter School

2012-01-20T12:30:00.000-08:00

If you are new to MITCH, you might find yourself asking, "What is MITCH and what is a charter school?" M.I.T.C.H. stands for Multi-sensory Instruction Teaching Children Hands-on, and a charter school is a public school that has chosen a unique curriculum other than what is currently in use by the school district. It is a publicly funded school so the students and their families do not pay tuition. M.I.T.C.H. is a separate 501 (c) 3 nonprofit school approved by the Tigard/Tualatin School Districts. (The 501(c )3 is used to designate a non-religious and non-political school.)

MITCH was founded on a passion for academic excellence. Before settling on an approach, we looked at the top-rated schools academically nationwide to figure out what made them so successful. Determining that schools with an agricultural emphasis were extremely successful, we combined the agricultural focus with the most successful academic curriculum available. We started with a strong "hands on" approach and continue with that model today.

Is it working? Academically, we consistently score in the top rankings of standardized tests. It is not uncommon to hear from a parent that a stranger commented on their child’s manners and confidence. Discipline is not an issue and cliques do not exist.

A friend of mine has 2 kids in MITCH charter school, and I'm sure this will bode well for them. After watching 2 Netflix documentaries on the topic of American public schools, I determined to contribute. Now that my "troubled" building has sold, it's time to re-start the Charity of the Month program... starting with MITCH.

How to contribute:
call (503) 639-5757, credit card in hand
or mail check to: 19550 SW 90 Court, Tualatin, OR 97062

Nice People Dancing to Good Country Music by Lee Blessing

2012-01-19T14:56:00.000-08:00

In this sharply comic, romantic and affecting play, Blessing explores the heartaches and curious – and often unfortunate – eccentricities of Eve and her niece Catherine, two women who live over a country music bar in Houston, Texas. Jan 22-23, Profile Theater, 3430 SE Belmont, suggested $10.

"A Harley stands erect on its own 2 wheels -- not like this [beat up truck] mechanical puddle."

"The last time I asked a girl to marry me she said, "Yes, Ray."

"some shitkicker I met in an airport"

"a professor of Latvian"

"J-Bob? That's what you're calling [Jason] now?"

"You're comin' on to the bride of Christ [a nun]."

"Four billion people all talkin' like Gomer Pile."

"I don't care if Houston is stupid: it's growin' like a damn fungus."

going purple

2012-01-18T22:25:00.000-08:00

I've been off desserts for a few weeks again, and I've been very happy with that. That is not to imply that I've become stellar at figuring out when I'm not hungry, and then not eating, however. That second thing... it comes & goes. Mostly goes.

On the other hand, my taste palate has shifted dramatically when it comes to things sweet. I haven't avoided-like-the-plague, but I have tended to veer-away-from fruit juices, as they contain a MASSIVE quantity of sugar without any protein or fiber to help mitigate the blood sugar punch. This goes also for what I tend to think of as the creme de la creme of juice drinks: green slime (aka Odwalla Superfood).

In my grocer's case recently, however, I found what seemed a good intermediary between nice flavor and drinkable nutrition: Naked Berry Veggie.

One 15 oz. bottle contains 1.5 purple carrots, .33 red beets, .125 sweet potatoes, 91 kernels of sweet corn, 18 chick peas, 15 sweet cherries, 6.5 strawberries, .25 plums, .20 apples & a hint of lemon. Each serving (half a bottle) contains 130 calories: 18g sugar, 5g protein, and 5g fiber.

It's become my new favorite drink.

A Year of Sundays, by Edward Webster

2012-01-17T16:11:00.000-08:00

If you have a passion for love stories past the blush of youth, this is a reality tale you don't want to miss. Ed Webster & his wife of 28 years take their 16 yr. old cat on the sort of Grand Tour many people wish they could take but never get around to. The fact that Ed's wife, Marguerite, is blind adds unexpected layers to their relationship & their travel experience.

You will be submerged in medieval villages, meet the local grocer in Tuscany, and accompany Ed & Marguerite as they sample grilled octopus on the island of Syros. Museum docents & shopkeepers fall for Marguerite and entice her to touch & experience everything. Hikers marvel at this blind woman who treks with Ed along precipitous trails of Cinque Terre, Italy. Waiters smile discreetly as Ed helps Marguerite sort throught he eyeballs & tails attached to her bouillabaisse.

And through it all, in France, Holland, Austria, Greece, Italy & Spain, the Websters prove the adage that wherever you go there you are, and the cat named Felicia makes each place a home.
At the end of last summer I went on a Title Wave (the library's used-book retail outlet) buying binge. The first time through I nabbed almost every travel paperback of interest, and on the 60%-off day I cleared out most of the hardbacks, as well.

This book was a great addition to my vicarious travel collection. I wouldn't saw it was awesome all the way through, but it was really interesting and there were many good bits, especially about the blind wife and their cat.

For example, their super mellow cat would be taken out in one of those belly-hugging baby slings into the countryside to see sheep and cows in France & Austria, but never in Greece or Italy where other cats were ubiquitous (since cats are so territorial).

Did you know that the Louve in Paris has a special portion of its museum dedicated to the blind? Students make replicas of statues and, during posted hours, patrons are invited to feel-up reduced sized facsimiles. The day Marguerite was there it wasn't open, but a dedicated employee opened it just for them. (I cried when I read that part.)Another thing I really liked about the book was what a good team they were. It was a really good example of two invested, committed, mature, loving people working together, contributing what they had, to work for the good of each other & their overall relationship. It was quite heartening.

It also continued my own sense of spark about travel, although (a) I don't see myself as brave enough to drive in all those countries, (b) I won't be bringing my cat, and (c) especially since I have no partner to take with me, but generally true anyways, I'm more of a few-week, one-country-at-a-time visitor than a one-year-marathon tourist.

the threat of snow

2012-01-16T14:49:00.000-08:00

There are MANY things I love about Portland, but there are a few things that really annoy me. One of them is about snow.

Or, to be more exact, the threat of snow.

Whenever Portland receives a snow forecast, people far & wide start canceling out of activities, schools start closing, and the environment, in general becomes quite anxious.

Case in point. Last week, there was snow in the forecast. Tuesday morning, my housekeeper's day, this is what the ground looked like.Because photos only give limited information, let me tell you what you're seeing: a white slushee. Big, fat, white snowflakes have floated to the ground and are sticking only on the greenery; on the pavement it melts. Interspersed with few-minute bouts of wet snow are clear times, and few-minute bouts of rain. Notice the wide path of running water making its way to the drain on the corner, just past the curb's edge.

This was the situation at 9am. My housekeeper called to cancel.

After picking up the voice mail, I called her back and said that I would prefer it if she were able to show up. She said the traffic was backed up. I said if she wanted to come later in the day, that would be OK with me. She said she didn't want to miss any of her afternoon appointments, and that the weather report said the snow was supposed to get worse & worse during the week. I said that, of course, she needed to do what she believed in her best interest with regards to health & safety but, actually, it was only really sticking on the grass, that the streets were more like slushee wet (and that refers to my little side street: main streets were certainly quite clear), and that as the day continued the weather should continue to get even warmer. She told me she had already canceled her Wed & Thurs clients, too,and suggested she come on Friday instead. I said that if she felt the need to stay away then she should do so, but it didn't work for me for her to come on Friday (and then back next Tuesday): she should either come in today or simply skip it (and, unspoken, was that her pay would be docked for the missed week). She said she'd call back in an hour to let me know her decision. I said I wouldn't be home in an hour, and she could call if she liked but I'd know whether she came or not because I can always tell whether she's been here or not. I repeated that she should do as she felt best with regard to her health & safety, but, for my part, I hoped she'd be able to come in, and that snow wasn't sticking on the streets. She said she'd investigate the matter further.

When I came home at 12:30 it was apparent that not only had she come, she'd been able to do everything (or, at least, the most important parts) in even less time than usual.

Here's what the ground looked like then:
No snow at all, temperatures in the low 40s.

(My 2-doors-down neighbor doesn't attend his landscaping much, so his leaves often clog my corner street drain. Shortly after snapping this photo I removed a bunch of mud + his leaves from the grate and the back up of water cleared away with a quickness.)

On the other hand, it did snow that night, starting around 8pm. It was gentle, fat, wet snow; it accumulated; it was very pretty. I had forgotten how everything gets quieter (muffled, plus less traffic, too) and brighter (reflected light) when there's snow on the ground.

Here's what it looked like when I came back from my gaming social:The next morning it was very wet & melting: again, like someone had thrown a white slushee over everything. By afternoon it had all disintegrated into water. The next few days we had big rain (not torrential, but not like the often-present sprinkling or light rain).

For that, my housekeeper quit on me: the as-yet unrealized threat of snow.My point is not about her in specific: she's a VERY typical Portlander in that way. Yeah, some of our people come from the Midwest or East coast, and they know how to drive in snow, but generally speaking, fear of the threat of snow shuts people down here, and it's one of the few things about Portland that consistently annoys me.

Famished, by Eugenia Woods

2012-01-15T12:10:00.000-08:00

Stove top, microwaved; organic, free range, genetically-modified; omnivore, vegan; trans-fat, low-fat, low-cal, no carb, gluten-free; breast fed, bottle fed; savory, sweet, healthy, forbidden; pierogi, pizza, salad, curry; Thanksgiving, Hannukah; breakfast, lunch, dinner…. Whether it’s satisfied by a home cooked meal, soup tipped from the can, a Happy Meal, or a burrito grabbed from a cart, our hunger is inescapable, inevitable, and essential. Food is who we are.

Equal parts drama, documentary, social experiment, [Gallagher,] and installation, Eugenia Woods' new play Famished reveals a view of the relationships we develop with and around food and the often convoluted ways we seek to satisfy our essential hunger. Derived from dozens of interviews and performance-based interaction with Portland audiences, FAMISHED reveals the rules, rituals, traditions and sheer pleasures of nourishing ourselves and others. Jan 19 - Feb 5 by Portland Playhouse, performing at 17 SE 8th (Imago Th.), $14 - 23.

"pretentious kale eater"

"I experience my hunger sometimes as a weakness, sometimes as a high"

"sometimes I can crave something & not actually be hungry"

"poly ambiguity"

"it was exhausting trying to earn your desire"

"the memory is in the hunger, the hunger is in the memory"

If you're obsessive about food, the content may trigger you (actor squirming in delight while eating junk food). It seemed, to me, to be very well rounded regarding the various forms of dysfunction and extra baggage that gets attached to food, including a few venues I hadn't pondered.

Word to the wise: When you enter theater, there are all-red attached seats on left. SIT THERE! We sat on the right and missed the overhead projections.

shorted

2012-01-14T11:45:00.000-08:00

I got shorted on a toilet paper roll this week.

I wondered, "If I send in this photo, along with the UPC code, processing stamp, and receipt, what will happen?"

Will they send a coupon for $1 off, a free 6 pack, or an entire 36 pack (from which this came)? Will it be ignored?

Inquiring minds want to know... and are apparently willing to spend a handful of minutes following through to find out. I'll mail my bundle of proof in to Charmin HQ & find out.

Collapse by Allison Moore

2012-01-13T23:00:00.000-08:00

Collapse is about a group of people who are lost & floating in a reality that looks familiar but feels completely foreign. The more they try to control the events around them, the less successful they become at doing so. Allison Moore has created a world that reflects the anxieties of a society that feels like it is at times sliding down the side of a cliff towards an unknown destination. Is it going to be a soft landing into a mountain of pillows, or a wet, messy one into a pit of alligators? (playbill)

You haven't gone to work in weeks, your wife's pumped full of hormones and your sister-in-law has just announced she's moving in. What better time to go on a secret mission as a drug mule? The stakes keep rising in Allison Moore's anxious new comedy of loss and recovery amid the rubble of modern life. Jan 13 - 29, Third Rail Repertory, 1111 SW Broadway (Winningstad Th.), $30-40.

WARNING: SPOILERS

The set was in the style of (I don't know it's official title, but I call it) theater in the round. The stage was in the middle and there were seats on all 4 sides. It was completely uneven, like pavement that had experienced a mudslide or massive earthquake underneath. Additionally, there was a 3 story high ledge (which the actors used) and floating pieces of looked-like-street-pavement hanging from the air. The lowest portion required the actors to enter/exit carefully to avoid head bumps.

Of all the 12 Step programs to represent a dysfunctional member of, the author chose SAA (well, and Al-Anon, peripherally, but mostly SAA). Now, she is from Minneapolis (the land of treatment centers), but one rarely encounters S programs in theater so that REALLY surprised me.

I was struck by how completely & promptly the visiting sister betrayed the confidences, how it was obviously a life-long pattern, and how the home sister must have known this full well, and yet (wrongly) entrusted again.

Then, the visiting sister does a magnificent job at hoisting the responsibility/ follow through for her package delivery on to her brother-in-law, and as that goes poorly, is equally skilled at transferring the worry/ responsibility for his absence on to her home sister.

Good gawd, and then there were the 100 little inappropriate things the SAA in relapse does. The good part of that was that since he carried it through to a clear & obvious-to-anyone inappropriateness, even eventually saying "I realize now I'm in a slip," that one wouldn't be left with the misunderstanding that his behaviors were clean & appropriate.

(I also found myself remembering several times when older men, more experienced in both AA/NA and life, tried that icky blend of program insight with inappropriate little moves with me during my first few years clean which, if successful, would've added up to sexual liaisons. My Fort Knox defenses guarded me so well, though, that none of them, newcomer or oldtimer, were able to "get" me in that way. That undoubtedly was a massive boon to my recovery, as it increased my sense of safety [and decreased my experience of betrayal] in the rooms.)

"Talk backs," where the cast comes out for questioning after the show, are something I always appreciate. At other venues they tend to last longer, but here they happen after every show, so those two sorta even out. I wish half of it wasn't taken by asking the audience what their "take away" from the show was, but, on the other hand, it's my chance to photograph the set & cast without any snarling from ushers.

--REALLY BIG SPOILERS BELOW--

______________________
DRAMA TRIANGLE ANALYSIS

Because Visiting Sister's basic life strategy is "I refuse to take responsibility/ action on my own behalf" she's definitely a Victim, even though she puts an optimistic, carefree spin on it rather than "poor me" histrionics.

Home Sister is harried, rushed, frantically trying to keep everything together for everyone, not even blinking before accepting others' responsibility on to her own plate: a perfect example of an unrecovering Al-Anon (or any other "family & friends" program)... undoubtedly a Rescuer.

Did you notice that it was the wife who got the ticket for the bridge incident, and not the husband? It was a perfect example of how the -Anon can LOOK even crazier to the outside world.

Program Man utilizes the tidbits of truth, insight and massively larger experience as a 12 Stepper to push the sexual envelope with a frightened, confused, overwhelmed newcomer, protesting (social vs. psychological level) his motivations along the way, although because newcomer's boundaries are so terrible events are allowed to progress to disgraceful consequences (hand in pants, kissing)... it could (and does) happen in any program, EVEN MORE in not-S-programs: we call it 13th Stepping, on cop shows they call them perpetrators but TA names it Persecutor.

Yes, Husband steps in to make Visiting Sister's delivery for her (sounds like Rescuer)... but doesn't complete the task (sounds like Victim). Husband is chaotic, unkept, and powerless (sounds like Victim)... but takes action (albeit unwisely) a couple times to try to improve his situation (drinking, climbing bridge). A few years ago I might've been confused, but IMO he's clearly not on the triangle... not with other people, at least.

Visiting Sister was right about one thing: an alcoholic would NEVER mindlessly pour the remainder of their beer into a potted plant. They might eat the dirt to suck the alcohol out of the plant, though. Husband is using a poor tool, but he is NOT an alcoholic.

One could argue that he's on the drama triangle with himself, in that his unresolved trauma (one's car falling into river from a collapsing bridge is a legitimate PTSD inciting experience) is Persecutor; his distressed, disorganized response to the trauma acts as Victim; and his ill-chosen attempts at resolution act as Rescuer.

I don't co-sign that, however. Transactional Analysis is very clear: a fireman carrying a baby out of a burning building is a rescuer, a wife calling in sick for her drunk husband is a Rescuer; a survivor of unbearable circumstances is victim, a life strategy of refusing to be accountable is a Victim. Real life rescuers or victims are not game players, they are people in a circumstance. I stand on "Husband is not on the triangle." Inept choices (climbing the bridge instead of telling wife about elevators and company move) don't, by definition, equal drama triangle.

Sometimes we don't know for sure until hindsight. For example, in the "Yes, but" game it isn't until the instigator refuses EVERY suggestion and then gloats inside that we know it was a game. If the person eventually accepts and acts upon a solution, as Husband did at the play's conclusion, we can hypothesize it was a legitimate cry for help (and therefore not a game).

Want to know more about the Drama Triangle? Click HERE.

art exhibit at PCPA

2012-01-12T23:01:00.000-08:00

Mariah by Janet Amundson-Splidsboel

encaustic, 17x17" $550

the photo came out poorly, but this is my 2nd favorite piece

Lydia by Janet Amundson-Splidsboel
encaustic, 17x17" $550

The white stuff by her head is reflection from overhead lights

Ruby by Janet Amundson-Splidsboel
encaustic, 17x17" $550

I like it

Serenity Muse by Manuela Kalestiantz
encaustic, 16.5x16.5" $375

this one reminds me of vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce

Gypsy Muse by Manuela Kalestiantz
encaustic, 16x21" $400

it's overly bold for me, but the longer I linger, the more I like it

Forest Muse by Manuela Kalestiantz
encaustic, 17x17" $425

I didn't even realize it was a chick at first

Unyielding Wind by Linda Womack
encaustic & photography, 13x13" $750

some of those ovals look exactly like sliced almonds

Firehole Sweep by Jane Pagliarulo
monotype w/ encaustic, 9x10" $375

can't explain why, but I liked it

Witness by Melinda Fellini
encaustic, 12x15" $600

not my typical style, but this one works for me

Memory by Betsy Bustamonte
encaustic, 12x16" $400

I like this shade of green

Ebb & Flow by Paula Blackwell
encaustic & oil, 12x18" $880

If this were 1/4 the price, I might buy it

Saturation by Karl Kaiser
encaustic, 16x8" $450

I tried to show the 3-D-ness of it... the lines are 3/8" indentations

Supported Meadow by Andrea Benson
encaustic & mixed media, 12x24" $700

I like it despite the hippie connotations

--to purchase, jeannie@pcpa.com (503) 274-6556

I'd never heard of encaustic before: most of them look like a shiny tile (the kind you'd use as a backsplash in a shower or kitchen), but without being perfectly smooth. According to THIS quickie video, it's about melted wax.

If the PCPA has shown art before I've either passed it by in my efficient traveling to or from the theaters, or I have forgotten it. I am a fan of this type of thing: it gives patrons free art to look at and artists an additional venue to show in. Ditto with restaurants, except I think artists must need to be very brave to post original art directly over children & catchup bottles.

three to see

2012-01-11T22:58:00.000-08:00

Here are 3 tv series (the plural of series is spelled the same) that I quite enjoyed and now recommend. Their only flaw, other than a lack of subtitles, is their small number of episodes. That's how it is with the BBC.

I've also been surprised to notice that when they do veer into "sex bomb" territory... obviously a useful device, at times, for a female con... it still usually comes off so much less LURID when the English do it. I've been trying to dissect this, and the best I can come up with is that the cleavage isn't always huge (a de-emphasis on silicone implants, perhaps?) and the style of clothes are more tailored-classy-nice instead of sleazy-tight-stripper style. The net effect feels so much more respectful, like the women are actual human beings (rather than solely icons for sexual utilization).

In an era of civil injustice and government corruption, English barrister William Garrow's acumen and honor set him apart. Each episode is drawn from Garrow's actual 18th-century cases, making this a legal procedural like no other. 2009-10

The storyline gets a bit sappy at times, but it's good over all; bleeding heart liberals will cheer & take heart in his impact on the laws of England (the drama is based on actual people & court cases of the time); and all those corsets & ponytails are very nice to look at. I also found myself playing the "spot the hairpiece" game, as almost everyone was wearing one.

Proving that good criminals only get better with age, an octogenarian con pulls off daring heists by convincing people he's a harmless old codger. He's a man who always gets his targets -- and always gives his victims exactly what they deserve. 2007

Clever-er, funner, and more complex than description suggests.

A sophisticated group of high-stakes grifters -- led by intrepid mastermind Mickey (Adrian Lester)(Robert Vaughn) -- targets only the most disreputable members of Britain's privileged class for their ingenious scams in this action-packed BBC television series. The team includes veteran con man Albert , alluring swindler Stacie (Jaime Murray), versatile jack-of-all-trades Ash (Robert Glenister) and Mickey's young protégé, Danny (Marc Warren). 2004+

Almost every episode had an ending that surprised me and left me with some feel-good.

done deal

2012-01-10T22:46:00.000-08:00

Escrow closed: sale complete. Many counseling issues ensued (aka different counseling issues followed). Temporarily holding a ridiculous balance all in one place until I figure out how/where to re-distribute things (and how soon the tax man gets his cut). Paid off house mortgage. Pamela & "the arm" disagree with most of what I think is going on... which is par for course. More details in future.

(I Am Still) The Duchess of Malfi by Joseph Fisher

2012-01-09T22:17:00.000-08:00

Is the desire of love or power the most alluring?

Edgy and visceral, this contemporary adaptation of Webster’s classic Jacobean revenge tragedy is a world-premiere production. In this re-imagined classic, the Duchess of Malfi defies her brother’s chess game of power, manipulation and morality. Laced with violence and shocking wit, this macabre, plot-twisting, back-stabbing saga of murder, sex and betrayal doesn’t come to a pretty end. Written by former Portland playwright, Joseph Fisher. Jan 10 - Feb 12, Artists Repertory Theatre, 1515 SW Morrison, $23 - 50.

While there were funny parts, I enjoyed the narration device, and miscellaneous other aspects that I liked in the moment, somehow it didn't really ring for me in a strong, lasting visceral way. I'm glad I went, but no ringing.

It also seems to me, as far as the plot goes, that if they writer had omitted the last minute's conclusion with The Duchess, but kept everything else the same, that would've been a more satisfying ending. Clearly, however, he (meaning the original writer of the original piece, a few hundred years ago, of which this was simply an adaptation) had other ideas.

What I do really like, though, is seat D21 for the upstairs stage and a partial subscription package to preview shows. I'd like to do that part again, next year, I think.

Yeah, sometimes there are little glitches (the spotlight & the narrator weren't yet in sync, and once someone stumbled over the start of a line), but I get great satisfaction out of the prudence of seeing the same show for a fraction of the cost, reserving big expenses for big shows (Broadway, Cirque du Soleil).

the other theater

2012-01-08T18:24:00.000-08:00

I've visited the movie theater four times in the last two weeks, a lifetime first, I believe. I was able to see all $4 or less a pop, well below the $11 or so that the new-release theaters charge.

Seeing movies in a theater is fun; a rather different experience from a DVD at home. It's also cool when, as with one of these, I go as part of a social and meet someone I like.

____________________________

50/50 was so awesome I gave it its own post: highly recommend. (SEE TRAILER)

Inspired by a true story: Adam Lerner has a pretty great life -- with a talented, sexy artist girlfriend and a cool job with NPR, the 27-year old seems to have it all. But when Adam discovers he has a rare and possibly fatal form of cancer, his entire life turns to chaos.

As his world starts to unravel in every way, Adam finds himself dealing with the wellmeaning but totally outrageous attempts by his friends and family to make it all better. His best friend, Kyle, uses Adam's condition to lure girls into sympathy sex, his overbearing mother loses sight of him in her own fears, his otherwise-occupied girlfriend, Rachael tries to distract herself an increasingly frantic social life, and Katherine, the inexperienced therapist assigned to his case, struggles to keep up with the needs of her third client ever.

___________________________

I was quite taken, especially in the beginning, with the silence in Drive. The main character is often quiet, and there are often long, music-less scenes where near-silence best describes the ambiance. I liked the premise, the car chase scene (there's really only one, because the other one is more about outwitting than chasing) is bedazzling, and the ending is really... realistic smart. I can't go without mentioning, however, the few moments of over-the-top gore made worse by a loud, in-theater sound system. Ugh. (SEE TRAILER)

Driver is a Los Angeles wheelman for hire, stunt driving for movie productions by day and steering getaway vehicles for armed heists by night. Though a loner by nature, Driver can't help falling in love with his beautiful neighbor Irene, a vulnerable young mother dragged into a dangerous underworld by the return of her ex-convict husband Standard. After a heist intended to pay off Standard's protection money spins unpredictably out of control, Driver finds himself driving defense for the girl he loves, tailgated by a syndicate of deadly serious criminals. But when he realizes that the gangsters are after more than the bag of cash in his trunk - that they're coming straight for Irene and her son - Driver is forced to shift gears and go on offense.

_______________________________

In Time I liked very much, and while it was simple, I'd happily see it again. There were numerous (obvious, but not stupidly hard hitting) analogies about power, money, and 1st vs. 3rd world countries... but, as a social liberal, it wasn't painful because I agree with some of their implied points.

It also had a LOT of running (pretty girl had to do it in a cute dress and heels), sorta like Hanna & Run Lola Run, except that In Time didn't "feel" like either of them... even though it did have other similarities, too. (SEE TRAILER)

In a future where time is literally money and aging stops at 25, the only way to stay alive is to earn, steal, or inherit more time. Will Salas lives minute-to-minute, until a windfall of time gives him access to the world of the wealthy, where he teams up with a beautiful young heiress to destroy the corrupt system.

___________________________________

Tower Heist was funnier than I was expecting. Alan Alda is good as a bad man and while I wouldn't call it a credible unfolding of story, I believe that most American would enjoy the ride into that form of make-believe: little guys enact justice on wicked, heartless, money grubbing rich man. I did, and I recommend it, too, as a not-deep, fun movie.

I also, afterwords, found myself thinking that Americans have a similar type of obsessive love-hate relationship with money that they do with women's bodies. We love to hate the greedy rich (when's the last time you saw a movie where the good guy was a landlord, stockbroker, oil magnate, international corporation or real estate developer?) but hope to get rich ourselves some day; We hate women for being fat or thin, being sexual or not... I'm not making a good analogy here, but I'm thinking those are the American culture's 2 greatest obsessions. (SEE TRAILER)

After the workers at a luxury Central Park condominium discover the penthouse billionaire has stolen their retirement, they plot the ultimate revenge: a heist to reclaim what he took from them. Alan Alda, Eddie Murphy, Ben Stiller, Casey Affleck, Matthew Broderick, & Gabourey Sidibe (from Precious).

Hamlet, by Shakespeare

2012-01-07T10:00:00.000-08:00

In the most powerful and influential tragedy in the English language, Hamlet wrestles with how to act in a corrupt world. This twisty, tragic tale wrestles with madness, revenge, sex, and treachery in an ominous land of fog and ghosts. But break, my heart, for I must hold my tongue. Dec 16 - Jan 22, NW Classical Theater, performing at Shoebox Theater, 2110 SE 10th, $22.

I especially enjoyed the renditions of Dave Bodin for Polonious, Tom Walton for Laertes, and Butch Flowers for Hamlet.

I'm always curious to see what Shoebox will have done with its seating for each new production. They allow the companies who perform to have their choice: I know that at least 3, and perhaps 4 of the walls are open game, in addition to the open space in the middle. And yet the rows of chairs are always firmly affixed to either the ground or risers. (They even have a tidbit of balcony-type space that is occasionally utilized.)

This time I finally got around to counting: 40 seats. That confirms Shoebox as the smallest venue in my theater repertoire.

I've found that no matter when I attend NWCT: beginning/ middle/ end of run, night time or matinee, the theater is full. That tells me that the word is out: NWCT provides reliably great productions at a beggarly price.

waiting room

2012-01-06T09:44:00.000-08:00

I feel like a husband, pacing in the waiting room while the wife is giving birth. ...

[RABBIT TRAIL: If my Mom heard me use that analogy, she'd get all stymied about "You feel like a man? With a wife? Giving birth?" She could never wait to hear the end, she could never sense into an empathy for the commonality of the human experience. It was a very frustrating thing.]

... Pacing, anxious. The results impact me heavily, and yet I have no control, no direct part to play. That's what it feels like.

The situation: This is the final day of escrow for my "troubled property." Odds are very high that the sale will complete this time. The sales price was 15% lower than the already low price I'd been told to value it at, and 49% of what I "paid" for it.

[I put "paid" in quotes because I traded into most of it, and only technically gave cash for just a portion above what I exchanged. Like trading up a car: you give up the old one, then pay a bit extra for a new & better model.]

On the other hand, the tenant has found a new location already (and will probably move in March), and I know commercial vacancies can last for years. This property is unique, the economy is still weak, and it could financially bleed me for a long time until it was occupied again. I haven't had a single lease offer this whole year it's been on the market.

I want to sell. It's not the most hard core financial gain path, but it's the sleep-at-night, pay-off-my-mortgage-and-reduce-my-expenses-by-half (which, in effect, doubles my income), eliminate-worry-about-financially-bleeding-for-several-years option. It brings everything to a peaceful, and yet still cash-in-my-pocket (and, frankly, lots of it) resolution.

I want the sale to go through.

Yet there is nothing for me to do.

It feels like an expectant father, pacing in the waiting room, with no influence over the outcome, and no part to play.

-----------------------
Late morning update: The potential buyer's bank is having some administrative challenge: deal may not be funded until Mon. IMO, the deal is never "done" until the money is exchanged.

-----------------------
Early afternoon update: I have officially agreed to extend escrow and continue buyer's discount. Not with cheerfulness, but from practicality. It's not too late for the bank to find some reason to dis-approve the sale, including problems with the development, the architect's plans, the lack of pre-approval for intended medical use, the funny parking agreement, miscellaneous environmental lawsuits against the development, etc.

----------------------
Late afternoon update: Buyer's funds are in. That makes it a done deal (barring poor timing of a massive earthquake/ tsunami/ nuclear accident, or whatever): it won't be recorded until Monday, but the buyer's all in. Oh, and after recording is when they wire my cut... which is 40% of what the buyer put in.

After reserving a big chunk for Uncle Sam, the rest is mine. I'll have to ask my CPA if I need to "estimated tax payment" that over this April 2012 (for first quarter), or if I can earn (like half a percent) interest on it in a Money Market until April 2013 because it's a "capital gain."

2012-01-05T22:33:00.000-08:00

DENVER (Reuters) - A 36-year-old woman was accused of causing $10,000 worth of damage to a painting by the late abstract expressionist artist Clyfford Still, a work valued at more than $30 million, authorities said on Wednesday.

A police report said Carmen Tisch punched and scratched the painting, an oil-on-canvas called "1957-J no.2", at the recently opened Clyfford Still museum in Denver and pulled her pants down to slide her buttocks against it.

Tisch was charged with felony criminal mischief on Wednesday and has been held on a $20,000 bond since the incident in late December, said Lynn Kimbrough, spokeswoman for the Denver District Attorney's Office.

Kimbrough said Tisch urinated after she rubbed up against the canvas, but whether urine got on the painting was still under investigation, she said.

Born in North Dakota in 1904, Still was considered one of the most influential of the American post-World War Two abstract expressionist artists, although he was not as well known as others such as Jackson Pollock.

Still died in 1980, and the city of Denver worked for years with his widow, Patricia, to secure the single-artist museum. She died in 2005, and her husband's collection was bequeathed to the city.

Four of Still's works were auctioned by Sotheby's last year for $114 million to endow the Denver museum, which opened with much fanfare in November.

Because Still closely guarded his works, most of the pieces at his namesake museum had not previously been displayed.

Tisch will be formally advised of the charges on Friday, Kimbrough said.

--Yahoo! news

This is exactly the type of story that gets reported in The Week. I miss that magazine. I hope I subscribe again, someday.

Homelife + The Zoo Story, by Edward Albee

2012-01-04T22:06:00.000-08:00

At Home at the Zoo pairs Edward Albee’s 1958 breakthrough one-act play, The Zoo Story, with a brand new prequel, Homelife. Homelife reveals Peter’s very controlled and managed life at home before he departs for the fateful walk in New York’s Central Park that sets the wheels in motion for The Zoo Story. This savagely witty comic drama presents a fresh take on one of the most classic pieces of American theater. Jan 4-29, Profile Theater, 3430 SE Belmont, $19-30.

Can a circumcision undo itself? To what length will one go to find connection? In parts, funny, spellbinding, stunning, shocking, heartening, anxious, and gory.... all for under $20!

All in all, I recommend this duo of one act plays. If it were up to me, however, I'd have edited out the last 10 minutes, even though it added depth & meaning to both acts.

making friends

2012-01-03T15:16:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking again about how I have difficulty branching out FROM knowing someone as an acquaintance at a group TO developing a one-on-one individual relationship.

I know I have the skills (and guts) to do so; I've been noodling around with in what way I would do it, with whom, and when.

One lady I know from a Toastmasters meeting has been on my radar for months. Originally I was going to ask her about co-attending a TM event (like a big convention speaker) or a storytelling event (similar, but different, than TM).

The longer I have been soaking in the concepts of TA about varied levels of communication in interactions (social level, psychological level, games), the more I've been relishing a return to what my roots are, what has been my greatest historical strength, the place I feel most filled with empowerment and integrity: the honest, direct, cards-on-the-table approach.

Therefore, today I sent someone this email:

I'm in the market for a few more friends, and I've been thinking for a while that you seem to me to be an excellent candidate.
I wonder if you'd be interested in sharing a meal, beverage, play, walk or card game together.

Regardless of her particular response, I like this as a template. It requires that I have enough sense of self to say "I'm in the market for a few more friends," have it be true (because I already have some friends), and have it not seem to me to be a mark of desperation (which it's not, because while I do want more, I concurrently believe I have great stuff to offer in exchange). It also implies that I have varied activities in my life, isn't bogged down by a narrow window for scheduling, and doesn't to me feel like it comes off too forcefully (an old bugaboo for me).

Somehow, this is Pamela's doing.

Puci Pet Portraits

2012-01-02T00:05:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I gave a shout-out to Puci Portraits.

Mail her a photo, select a size & background, and she'll paint a canvas portrait. Originally she just did pets, then pets with people, and now she does people, too.

Here are my favorites:

At the right price, I'd buy & hang this piece myself.

gaming social

2012-01-01T18:43:00.001-08:00

Lost Cities: a counting game. 5 colors, cards numbered 2-10, and 3 handshakes. Collect numbers of a color. Under 20 results in negative points, over 20 results in positive points, handshakes are multipliers, and cards can only be placed in ascending order. A good game designed for (exactly) two players. German (instructions in English).

After a week of mostly solitude, I particularly enjoyed hosting a gaming social.

I still tend to find myself in the "more is better" bias when it comes to hosting, but the truth is that where there are only a few attendees I have time to take off the hostess "apron" and actually enjoy whatever the actual event is for itself, as well as connecting with the attendees (instead of a nonstop marathon of looking after the needs/ wants of all the guests).

In that way, it worked out just fine that the event (which had 7 RSVPed the night before) had two last-minute cancellations and two no-shows (both of which were new to the group) so that only 2 were in attendance. It also worked out well that I have games that work well for that number, including a new purchase, Lost Cities.

We liked it so much we played it twice, as well as a game (which I acquired in new condition from Goodwill, but is listed today at Amazon.com for $45) of Word Thief.

I'm pretty sure we both enjoyed the company, the smallness of the crowd, as well as the games themselves.

Make words with what's in your own hand or, even better, while stealing a word from an opponent's hand. Word Thief even plays well for those who pretty much only ever make 3 or 4 letter words. Easy, but fun. (Easier than Quiddler, astronomically easier than Scrabble.) Plays well with 2, 3, or 4. Canadian.

hundreds of $hundreds

2011-12-31T16:45:00.000-08:00

Having nothing in my appointment book, I spent today's daylight hours reading the website of a woman who decided to give one hundred $100 bills to strangers.

(Technically, all together, it's really one hundred and thirty one $100 bills).

hundredsofhundreds.com

After purusing them all, I'd have to say my two favorite posts are:

Meeting Tony, for the personality of the giver:

As I was getting ready to pay, the cashier said, “That’ll be $5.29… Unless you want the senior discount.” Heck, yeah, I want it!! Turns out, at our local burger chain here in Oregon you can get a 10% senior discount starting at age 50! I had no idea. I was so tickled with saving 52¢ that I almost forgot I had $100 to give away.

and The Love Machine, for the personality of the recipient:

My list was fairly short and I was at the checkout in no time. As my purchases were being rung up, a man in a scooter rolled by and made some kind of wisecrack to the cashier. “Well, at least I can walk and chew gum at the same time!” she shot back. Ouch. That seemed like a harsh thing to say to a man with only one leg, but he laughed and pretended to toss her a piece of gum. “Prove it!”

second best for dry skin

2011-12-30T00:00:00.000-08:00

Years ago, I saw Dan, my naturopath, and asked him for some advice on really good hand lotion. The skin on the sides of my palms was so dry they were cracking, and I was sick of products that didn't work well enough.

He suggested Fougera hydrophilic ointment NDC0168-0047-16. While it doesn't require a prescription, few pharmacies have it in stock, so he directed me to one that would.

For over a decade now I've been using, enjoying, & recommending this product.

A few months ago yet another of my 1 pound tubs ran out, hence I sought to procure a replacement.

As I have many times before, I ordered it at my nearest pharmacy. This time, however, what arrived was this other stuff. I complained, but the pharmacist was clear: if this is what the warehouse delivered when that was what I ordered, this was all I was going to get from them. A long time 12 Stepper, I've internalized the "we don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing" (the Chinese man with the son & the horses parable) really well, so I gave it a go.

I didn't like it nearly as much. It's dry, clumps fall off while I apply it, it doesn't seem to absorb into my skin as well, and it doesn't seem to make my skin quite as soft.

So I called a different pharmacy and ordered the stuff I like. They said they had it, would order it, and would call when it arrived. When I went to pick it up, however, there was much difficulty locating my order. Eventually they realized that the Geritrex was what was sent (different pharmacy, same substitution). Further inquiry revealed that the Fougera version isn't being produced any more, and 2 out of 2 pharmacies believed Geritrex's version to be the best substitute.

Given it's what's available, and remembering that this isn't truly a "big deal," I'll lump & swallow the change.

Concurrently, I've discovered a method of utilization that remarkably improves the product's effectiveness: apply cotton socks/ gloves afterwords. It's a great technique at bedtime, and now that's my primary method.

I still don't like the replacement as much as the original, but both still beat the standard lotions readily available on any store shelf.

New Yorker Cartoons

2011-12-29T01:24:00.000-08:00

--The New Yorker, Oct 24, 2011

angry

2011-12-28T14:30:00.000-08:00

I'm angry... about a number of things... most of which are related to actions of Michael & Beth.

There's a thing... it's a mess. I've uncovered it, I'm working to clear it up. One of the things I have greatly appreciated is that there's not pressure & fury being bandied about between the siblings on the topic because I'm the only one on the case (I am the official "point person," after all) so I can sort things out on my own, then bring them to the siblings when I'm ready (both emotionally & my business ducks are in a row & quacking).

Well, it turns out that Beth hasn't relinquished her job duties so easily. She's been dinking with stuff. The same ballpark of stuff I've been dinking with.

Now, when her husband was the "point person" for the business, her doing stuff made sense. But since I've been the "point person," for half a year now, that not only doesn't make sense, it can make for a bit of a mess. If she follows through on the tasks she says she plans to, it will be in direct competition for the tasks I'm working on.

You see, we're both working to clean up the same mess. While that might sound like a good thing, because I don't trust their work, it isn't. They create bank accounts and submit paperwork to the State of CA which lists ONLY one or both of them as the business. Additionally, they refuse to share information repeatedly: bank account balances, account numbers. Also, "they" aren't business owners... Michael is.

Beth, his wife, may be his heir, and may volunteer to do all the grown-up business work when Michael is designated "point person" team, but she's not one of the 3 equal ownership LLC owners/ members. They seem to do an interesting dance about who owns what behaviors, responsibilities, credit, and the like (we should pay Beth for her work but not me when I did the same work, Beth's name gets slipped into the documents, Michael says 'don't ask me, it's Beth,' but I can't go to Beth for decisions or votes... because she's not one of the siblings!). I'd never realized that last part before, but they do play tricky with that part. It's not clean, clear, well boundaried: rather, the "boundaries" shift based on whatever side Michael wants it to be on in each individual situation. What a familiar feeling that is!

Frankly, I haven't even probed into the large check written out to "cash" from that bank account it took me 6 weeks to wrestle the bank to get the number of (an account that, during my tenure, used to have all 3 of our names on it). But all this, I hope, gives you a sense: their paper trail, the extreme difficulty garnering information from them, and the incomprehensible absence of Jayne & brother David's name as co-owners on bank accounts and government forms... it's all very NOT trust-worthy.

Well, so.

Because everyone in my family is a heavy triangle player (Michael as Persecutor, David as Victim and Rescuer, and I don't know the wives' roles, but given who they married, they must have ones, too) it's very reasonable to expect a lash-out as a response... for people to read massive insult/ injury into boundary setting, and to over-react as a response. If not instantly, then (likely soon) after.

This is the boundary email I sent back:

Michael's not the "point person" for PP, LLC anymore... I am.

I mean no offense or disrespect, but rather I want to emphasize that (a) it's your turn to be on VACATION from this type of work, and (b) when I need your assistance, I assure you, I will ask.

Please allow me the burden/ responsibility/ challenge of doing this stuff myself... the same way I let Michael have it during his tenure.

This is the time I remind myself...

Their explosion ≠ my being bad, unskilled, inappropriate, or wrong.
If they don't overreact today, they will tomorrow.
It's just a matter of time until they explode/ overreact again.
Sometimes, it's just "my turn" to receive the vitriol.
Their explosions & overreactions are about them, not me.
Regardless of how they frame it, I treat them with respect/ dignity.
I deserve respect, dignity, and niceness also.
Neither mistakes nor rudeness deserve vicious reactions.
I can take all the time I need before I choose what action to take.

50/50

2011-12-27T00:31:00.000-08:00

An otherwise healthy twentysomething has a comically early midlife crisis when he gets slapped with a cancer diagnosis -- and a 50-50 chance of survival. But what's the meaning of life when you're not sure how long yours will last? 2011, R

It's not easy to make a movie about cancer that's touching, genuinely funny, ends nicely and isn't dark.

Short of someone who's hyper-alert to the topic at the moment, (or anyone still in the raging-mad stage of feminism, but they're a no-go on almost anything anyway, so there's nothing special there) it's hard to imagine who I WOULDN'T recommend this movie to. I laughed, I cheered, I cried... even in public.

It was a very good movie.

Cannon Beach photos, Dec 2011

2011-12-26T16:14:00.000-08:00

Cannon Beach

2011-12-26T13:41:00.000-08:00

The week before C-mas I visited one of my two favorite Cannon Beach hotels to partake of the mid-week, off-season rates. With that, plus the extra discount from a bonus email, my one bedroom ocean front room with kitchenette & fireplace was $112/night (+ tax = $242 for 2 ).
My experience of the trip was a bit different from other visits: I have become better at attuning to my inner world and leading with that, rather than sticking solely with my head.

The morning of I didn't have an "impulse towards action," so I lingered about the house and took care of some postponed tasks. Then, around noon, it felt better to go. After I checked in to the hotel, I nabbed some meat sauce spaghetti (had been wanting some for a few weeks) and a huge to-go salad bar (pizza joint salad bars are characteristically different from the types of salads I get elsewhere).
I broke out the euro-game and spent most of the rest of the day with that.

The next day, my only full day at the beach, I spent out looking at the galleries and shops. I love stuff like that in the off season, when almost everything is empty. I was reminded of how akin gallery hopping is to museum visiting... except at museums you pay $10-20 up front and come away with nothing, whereas gallery hopping is free to enter, but might cost $hundreds if you fall in love on the way.

Indeed, that's what happened. You could say that visiting Cannon Beach is bad for my wallet, or good for the local economy, but (once again) spend I did, and I can't say I regret it. I spent a lot of time at one gallery looking at a giclee marked down from $500 to $400 by Steve Hanks (a tan nude sitting on a brown bed) but, in the end, I left without it. I pawed over 2 $95 picture books of work by Pino, but left them there. I even spent a good 30 minutes pondering what was intended to be a birdbath (a low, shallow, pasta-bowl like thing with a tall frog decoration) as an end table, but turned it down after realizing the frog wouldn't mesh well with the other animals in its intended destination. I saw giclees ("gee-CLAYs," spendy but legitimate copies) and silk canvasses that I liked, as well: a few (Cassandra, Joachim) I gave their own blog posts to.When I woke up the next morning, though, it was all about this one photograph. As I awaited the gallery opening, I fed one able-bodied seagull the remainder of my spaghetti, and an amputee (right foot) my last 5 Triscuits.

Nervously excited, I returned to the gallery and found the item still there. The owner then showed me a canvas print, also.In the end I bought a $250 photograph printed on canvas because I liked its detail, cropping, and colors better than the $150 laminated paper photo. It's called Murphy's First Ocean Swim, by Thomas Guffy. The more I look at it, the more I like it. It's superb (although difficult to photograph well on a cloudy day).Other pieces that also won me over included a $40 decorative light piece (glittery green leaves & amber colored globes) to put in front of the "reading girl" on the fireplace mantle; a pumpkin/ burnt sienna colored table runner with leaf details for the dining room table (which, now that I have a close-to-the-ceiling light fixture, can be open without the room feeling crowded); and another Cannon Beach photograph which should match a pre-existing one nicely (photo $20, frame & mat $65, not shown).On the way back, I stopped at a rural junk shop and acquired my very own construction worker safety vest. They look hideous, of course, but every night I drive by a darkly clad pedestrian or bicyclist wearing one, I want to roll down the window and say, "Thank you for making it so easy to not hit you with my car." Acquiring one from the internet had been at the bottom of my To-Do list for a few years now. This one was new, priced at $5, and shortened my list.

Carolus Magnus

2011-12-25T14:07:00.000-08:00

A few days before my recent Cannon Beach trip, during a Focusing session, I suddenly had the thought, "Bring that Carolus Magnus game and learn how to play it when you're there." When the time came, I did. I alternated reading the instructions (5 times, in total) and practicing the game (4 times).

It was curious to do so, because in childhood I often only had myself to play board games with, and so as an adult I don't tend to be fond of playing games solo, but doing so for the purpose of being able to teach others at game socials how to play (with me)... that had an entirely different feeling than the more self-pitying, lonely feeling I recall from childhood.

Once I pulled out the pieces and started the slow process of learning a new, complex-to-me system, suddenly I realized how it must have been that I acquired this game.Rewind back some 15 years ago. Dave & I are playing Settlers of Catan often. I really like it. We visit his friend's game store. I say, "Hey, you got anything like Settlers?" He says, "Carolus Magus." I buy it.

If he were a better sales person he would've said, "Jayne, I know you like Settlers, and I know you're an -- at best -- beginning gamer -- so I would recommend [insert any game at the easy, or, at worst, medium challenge level]." This is perhaps related to why he no longer has games for sale in his store.
Anyway, back to this game. Learn it I did, and I got all but one little detail of it correctly. That one detail came out when I later practiced teaching it to & playing it with Dave.

That one detail (differently colored paladins = cubes can go on each territory) made a BIG difference.

Suddenly, I was sporting the botox siren call: a big time perma-frown. I wasn't having fun, but I was engaged in the challenge. Dave noticed, and offered to quit, but I wouldn't have it... until half way into our 4 game. I chucked in the towel. I realized the game was (like chess) SO challenging (who can keep track of all those variables, for both players, so many moves ahead?) that it wasn't in my ballpark and, short of dumbing it down, wasn't going to be in any foreseeable future.
Even hard core gamers say that, for them, it's a difficult/ challenging game. The difference between them & me, however, is that they find that type of challenge FUN. For example, Dave was intrigued/ stumped/ fascinated.

That's how Dave acquired a $45 euro-game for C-mas.

benches

2011-12-24T11:06:00.000-08:00

To the casual observer a bench seems like a pretty simple design proposition. It is, after all, just a flat place to sit, sometimes with a back and armrests. But that is not the case with Landscape Forms' new Lakeside collection, which consists of 2 benches and a trash can by award-winning architect Margaret McCurry.Known for her Modernist reinterpretations of traditional American forms such as the farmhouse & the cottage, McCurry was approached by the outdoor-furnishings company to create designs that would be not only durable and comfortable but also affordable.

"We had the specific charge of designing benches that would appeal to small & medium-size towns in America," McCurry says. "We had to be very cost conscious." To meet this goal McCurry settled on a folded-steel frame over a variety of other materials because it is simple, sturdy & economical. "I also took into account the way I would like to feel when I sit on something," McCurry adds.
But the decorative embellishments on the 2 benches are pure whimsy. One version has planks of natural wood or Polysite -- a synthetic material used in the design of decks -- staggered along the back that mimic the classic American white picket fence. "It gave an interesting rhythm that enhanced the sense of 'picket-ness,' " McCurry says.

The other is decorated with one of two plasma-cut patterns: shoots of grass that grow from the seat up the back or a picturesque scattering of leaves. (Designers also have the option of submitting their own patterns.) Both designs straddle the line between minimalism and ornamentation, convention and novelty -- a delicate balance that is anything but simple.

--Metropolis, Mar 2006
contributor Mason Currey, pg. 50

silos into apartments

2011-12-23T10:27:00.000-08:00

MVRDV converts a pair of soybean silos in Copenhagen

into an exclusive apartment building.

During World War II a factory was constructed in the Islands Brygge section of the Copenhagen harbor to process soybeans into animal feed. Now, 30 years after the factory was shuttered, 2 of its storage silos nourish well-heeled homeowners. Dutch architecture firm MVRDV has reimagined them as an exclusive apartment building.

Officially named Gemini Residence but more commonly referred to as Frosiloen, the design effectively preserves the silos as empty artifacts. Instead of converting the interiors to residences, MVRDV ... fashioned 84 apartments in an 8 story glazed volume that wraps around the upper 3/4ths of the two concrete drums, linking them in the middle. While the structures retain their discreet circular footprints, a horizontal cross-section in midair reveals an hourglass.

[T]he old buildings in Islands Brygge are "industrial monuments that have to stay to tell the story about the former use of the harbor area." Redeveloping the 147 ft. tall silos also provided NCC with a marketplace advantage. "In Copenhagen you can only build 6 or 7 stories," Blomberg says. "The skyline must always show the spires of the churches."

Glass balconies run the length of the perimeter, taking advantage of the unprecedented height & providing the modest homes (only 968 to 2,152 sq. ft.) with the illusion of boundlessness. In addition to sacrificing this sense of expansiveness, building inward would have forced MVRDV to punch so many doorways into the original concrete that the architects feared compromising its structural integrity. Instead the glass addition appears to float by balancing entirely on a first-floor girder.

The silo interiors now contain dramatically austere atrium lobbies that house the glass elevators & open stairways that lead to the apartments. Hallways and asymmetrically stacked stairwells are clad in ribbons of white corrugated metal, while floors and overhead surfaces are painted black.

"All other color seemed arbitrary," MVRDV principal Jacob van Rijs says. "So the colors are neutral -- black & white-- on the inside. The original concrete of the silo is visible from both the lobby & the street." The graphically striking view from within looks as if HAL 9000 commissioned one of the Escher's Metamorphosis woodcuts.

Absent the original roofs, the gaping holes into the sky that MVRDV first laid eyes on have since been covered with a ceiling of Foiltec, a product comprising air-filled cushions, which floods the cylinders with natural light.

Islands Brygge is undergoing extensive transformation into a residential neighborhood. The city has invested in plazas and a waterfront promenade, while private developers take on other conversions and break ground on empty parcels of land. So when friends told health-care executive Jan Melso that a 2 bdrm unit was available in Frosiloen, he agreed to purchase it immediately, unpacking his boxes in October.

"Yes, the lobby is unusual," he says, "but this is the best view in Copenhagen." And perhaps the best investment: his real estate agent estimates that the property, originally priced at approximately $800k, is already worth at least 20% more.

--Metropolis, Mar 2006,
contributor David Sokol, pg. 30

leukemia

2011-12-22T21:27:00.000-08:00

I hadn't realized it'd been so long, but my veterinarian has records for Spot dating back to 1996. When I got her from the Humane Society, they estimated her age as 3 years, based on dental conditions. That puts her age at 18 this year, 19 next.

She had occasion to visit the vet twice this year, and blood work from both visits showed an alarmingly high increase of (white?) blood cells. The preliminary diagnosis is leukemia, "common in both aging people and animals," my vet said.

If I want to consider chemotherapy, I can bring her in for more tests, in which they would confirm the leukemia diagnosis. Chemo doesn't make all cats' hair fall out (like it does in humans), but rather just their whiskers. They're also prone to anorexia, so feeding tubes are often needed.

The one thing I know for sure is that I'm not giving my cat chemo. I'm not even sure whether or not I'd give myself chemo, and I speak English and thus can assess the risks & odds of reward, whereas all my cat would understand would be a massive quantity of invasive medical procedures, lots of trips in the car, and feeling like death warmed over almost all the time. I'm not giving my cat chemo.

The vet suggested that for "palliative care" prednisolone would be a good idea, helping boost her (something to do with blood counts). So I'm giving her 5mg twice a day, crushed and mixed with about 1 tsp. of sour cream.

I've also decided that since these are apparently her twilight years, I'm not holding back on the kitty treats.

For many years she'd naturally been light (despite the long fur & aside from the kitten size). A few years ago she actually got a bit tubby, with a belly that waggled independently from the rest of her. She's so fluffy, I don't pay attention often, though checking again recently, she's lean there now and I anticipate that won't change again.

I've also noticed, especially this last year, numerous personality changes... some of which I actually like, even while I recognize they're a sign of decline.

All this reminds me, of course, of Naomi's twilight years, which were marked by increasingly frequent medical interventions. I still miss Naomi ... more than any other person, place or thing in my life... even though the loss softens as the years pass.

Part of me keeps thinking, "When Spotkin goes, I'll be all alone." ... a sentiment I don't entirely understand, from a logical point of view. But then, emotions have their own logic.

For now, though, she still appears happy & healthy; I know she has good quality of life. I can't help but wish/hope it would last years more.

Rewiring Dyslexia

2011-12-21T20:48:00.000-08:00

Paula Tallal of Rutgers U. in New Jersey ... suspected that many cases of dyslexia arise not because the kids [visually] confuse the appearance of letters but because they [like adults learning a foreign language] can't hear the sounds for which letters stand. In particular, some people with dyslexia may be unable to process certain speech sounds -- fast ones.

She was right. Some dyslexics struggle to break words into their component phonemes, the smallest units of speech. They have particular trouble distinguishing the sounds of b, p, d, and g, all of which explode off the lips or tongue and vanish in just a few milliseconds. In these dyslexics, the auditory cortex literally cannot hear staccato sounds, much as an ordinary digital camera on Earth cannot resolve the rings of Saturn. The brains of these children do not hear short phonemes.

In ba, for instance, the explosive b lasts a mere 40 milliseconds. The difference between the b sound in bay and the d sound in day comes in that initial instant. If your brain cannot resolve sounds that take so little time, then trying to fathom what a teacher is drilling into you about the difference between the 2 sounds is a real problem.

Since learning to read requires matching letters to sounds, if ba sounds like da, it's tough to learn to read phonetically.

(In contrast, the mmm in mall takes about 300 milliseconds. Children with specific language impairment hear mall just fine.) Merzenich suspected that a brain unable to process rapid-fire sounds, and thus to recognizer the difference between dip and pip, might be different -- physically different -- from a brain that can. ...

Using special software, the UCSF scientists synthesized phonemes that still sounded like spoken English but that stretched out the duration of b before aaa, for example. To people with normal hearing, it sounded like someone shouting underwater. But to the children, the scientists hoped, it would sound like baa, a sound they had never before heard clearly.

In the summer of 1994, 7 school-age dyslexic children spent 5 mornings a week in Tallal's lab. They listened to tapes of the stretched-out speech, hearing instructions to "point to the boy who's chasing the girl who's wearing red" and the like. Point, bay, and girl were all intoned so that the initial explosive consonant lasted many times longer than it does in normal speech.

The children also played computer games using processed speech at home. Over several weeks, the phoneme would creep up ever so gradually to its proper sound, so that what began as ultra-drawn-out phonemes became progressively less-drawn-out ones and finally speech that was almost normal.

The following summer, 22 more children played the computer games that spoke to them in the funny stretched-opt speech. The computer asked the kids to, for instance, click the mouse when a series of spoken b's was interrupted by a p.

Once a child learned to tell the difference between b and p when the initial phoneme was stretched to 300 milliseconds, the software shortened the phoneme by a couple of dozen milliseconds at a time, aiming for a sound that was not stretched out at all.

The results were remarkable. After 20 to 40 hours of training, all the children could distinguish fast phonemes as correctly as kids who did not have dyslexia. After one month, all had advanced 2 years in language comprehension. Fast ForWord, as the scientists called the program, was rewiring the children's brains. "You create our brain from the input you get," said Paula Tallal.

She, Mike Merzenich, and other colleagues eventually formed Scientific Learning Corporation to sell Fast ForWord. It has not helped every child with dyslexia, to be sure. If the problem is caused by something other than an inability to process fast phonemes, the intervention has no effect. But by 2005, almost half a million children in 27 school districts in 25 states had been trained on Fast ForWord. After 6-8 weeks, 90% of the children who practiced on it for the recommended 100 minutes a day, 5 days a week, had improved their reading skills the equivalent of 1.5 - 2 years. ... Thanks to the brain's neuroplasticity [=ability to grow & change], feeding it specialized input -- acoustically modified speech -- coaxes new circuits in regions important for language.

--Train Your Mind, Change Your Brain,
by Sharon Begley, pgs. 103-5

voluntary exercise improves brain function

2011-12-20T20:28:00.000-08:00

"Running voluntarily increases neurogenesis [= the ability of the brain to grow & change] & increases learning, even in very, very old animals [which is entirely different from what science thought for decades]," Gage explained to the Dalai Lama. "If you put them in a learning test, they're smarter. It seems like the effects of running on neurogenesis & on learning are dependent on volition. It has to be a voluntary act. It's not just the physical activity itself."

Buddhism does not have much to say about the value of staying in shape, as a few of the monks, rearranging their robes over the ample middles, noted somewhat sheepishly. But they were intrigued by Gage's finding that only voluntary exercise stimulated neurogenesis in the mice; forcing the little guys to swim or dropping them on a moving treadmill had no such effect. ...

[V]oluntary exercise is marked not only by the absence of stress. It is also characterized by the presence of brain rhythms called theta waves. These waves, which have a frequency of 6 - 12 cycles per second, are also present when you pay close attention to something but not when you eat or drink or are otherwise on automatic pilot.

"Because theta activity can occur without physical activity," Gage told the monks, "the voluntary component could be the key to the promotion of neurogenesis." ...

[I]ndividual neurons in the wheel-running mice "are dramatically different" from those in sedentary mice in 2 important ways. For one thing, they have more dendrites, the little bushy projections through which a neuron receives signals from other neurons. Dendrites are the very parts of a neuron that tend to deteriorate with age. It has become a truism that the better connected a brain is, the better it is, period, enabling the mind it runs to connect new facts with old, to retrieve memories, and even to see links among seemingly disparate facts, the foundation for creativity.

[And] each of these bushes has significantly more spines on it. "Each of these spines represents a site at which neuronal communication can occur," Christie explained at the meeting. "In effect, we are showing that there are structural reasons for the enhanced learning & memory capacities we & others have observed in animals that exercise." The experiments, he said, "lay the foundation for establishing exercise-induced changes in brain structure as a viable [way] to combat the deleterious effects of aging" and might explain the beneficial effects on brain functions of leading an active life.

--Train Your Mind, Change Your Brain,
by Sharon Begley, pgs. 68-9

too much of a good thing

2011-12-19T22:56:00.000-08:00

I just received a "Dear Valued Customer" letter from my bank (the one I just transferred a bunch of money to to encourage them to NOT call the loan due on my "troubled" property: not that I can't make the payments, but rather that its profit margin has almost completely evaporated, and sometimes banks topple things like that by calling loans due) saying that THIS year they were sending me, for C-mas, a box of Harry & Davids pears. I must've crossed the $ limit to turn me into a low level tier "thank you gift" client, because they didn't do this any of the other handful of years I've been banking with them.

What they didn't know, of course, is that my stockbroker sends me the exact same thing every year. (He used to send me chocolate until I asked him to stop; this was his clever replacement. I was so grateful that I never told him about how pears aren't really my thing. One doesn't want to be too prissy.)

Think about it. One person, nine pears, one month (if you're lucky). Oh, wait: make that one person, one month, and EIGHTEEN pears.

Well, worst case scenario I could give EVEN MORE of them away, but... maybe the situation could be salvaged.

It's 11pm. Sometimes, especially just before C-mas, stores are open late. I looked up Harry & David .com, called the phone number, and got a guy! A really helpful, no-accent guy, to boot.

I gave him my information, and he found that, yes, one order (stockbroker) had just shipped, and the other order (bank) was just about to have an address label printed onto it. While we were at it, I verified that there were no other boxes of pears coming my way, too (my brother did that once, but I think I've trained him out of sending me C-mas gifts pretty solidly now). I had called just in the nick of time.

We pondered the options (and, to keep it in the same price range, and avoid chocolate, there were only a few) and decided to go with a box of Honeybells. He said they're a cross between grapefruit (which I detest) and tangerines (which I enjoy) but are "super sweet." AND they won't ship until January.

So, I'll give it a go. Worst case scenario, I'll give away two different types of fruit twice (instead of just LOTS of pears once).

Cassandra Barney, artist

2011-12-18T21:32:00.000-08:00

The Incumbent, 18x12"
click here to buy canvas giclee for $400
This one tempts me... but not for that price.

With Her Heart Full Of Love, She Sat Still And Listened
contact heritagefineart.com for more info

Your Name Is Safe In My Mouth, 23x9
buy canvas giclee here for $325

Ramona, 11 5/8 x 5 5/8
inquire here for price

My Fate Is Not Your Fate, 15x20"
buy canvas giclee here for $500
I especially like this, too. They look like they could be partners.

If You Should Leave Me, 12x24
buy a canvas giclee here for $500
Her eyes are so... riveting. I'd like it better w/o the
squishy stuff coming out of her chest.

Genevieve, canvas giclee, 18x12
buy here, same size, for either $600 or $400

Minerva, 28x14
buy a canvas giclee here for $500
I have to keep reminding myself she's NOT squeezing that owl.

Mother's Prayers, 11x7.5"

buy a canvas giclee here for $50
I find this border especially nice.

Never Felt Joy Like That Before, 10x9.5

buy canvas giclee here for $55
I hypothesize it's a popular piece.

My Friend, 14x11", canvas giclee
buy here for $65
They, also, look like they could be partners.

Be Where Your Feet Are, 26x13, paper giclee
buy here for $250
It just doesn't have the same "pop" as the others, does it?

Saint Cecelia, 10x15, edition of 100,
buy here for $200
This one really is very nice: I like everything about it.

GICLEE = "gee-clay" = a high quality reproduction = an expensive copy.
It's a democratic way to make nice quality, expensive art affordable for the masses as well as provide artists residual income (many paydays for 1 painting).

Joachim McMillan, artist

2011-12-17T20:34:00.000-08:00

It was in Rome that I became enamored with mosaics. At the Modern Villa Gallery in Cannon Beach I discovered the art of Joachim McMillan (whom for some reason I was surprised to find appears black: what, do I think all painters are white? Or maybe it was mostly that he was a man, because I looked at the name and thought, "woman.").

All those art magazines, including those American Artist articles on how to do oils with a palette knife, really came in handy when I encountered Joachim's work. Looking at it quite closely, I hypothesized that he applied layers of oil on canvas, then painted his picture on top, then took the edge of a palette knife (or a dental tool) and scraped some of the topmost layers off. The end result looks (especially on the items I saw in that gallery, because the product had SUCH bright colors, and gave off SUCH a shine) more like a mosaic than a person might think a painter would be able to achieve.

I suppose he finished them off with bionic-strength gloss. Which sounds kinda icky, but I wanted to install one in my shower stall. I mean, I know I can't, but it LOOKS LIKE one could.

I also found his work a good argument for why real art patrons prefer the original work over cheap giclees & posters: the colors dull in the copying, and lose their 3-D quality (especially apparent with oils applied thickly).

Galleries don't like patrons taking photos any more than ushers in nice theaters, so I didn't even try this time: I simply wrote down the name of the artist on the gallery's card, hoping I could find nice images on the internet to demonstrate that which I most appreciate. Here are my results, along with an artist's description of his own work.

By the way, this dude is stunningly prolific. He musta got an A in his business class, because he's in an almost uncountable number of galleries. Which also means a lot of art dealers like his work, because they won't take just anyone.

Anchored, 18x24"

(title unknown)

Waiting on the Wind, 18x24"

Riverside, 24x18"

Up Town Gals, 18x24"

Far Out, 24x24"

Holding On, 8x36"

1. PIXELISM [pix-el-ism]

PIXELISM ART MOVEMENT: Developed and defined by artist JOACHIM MCMILLAN from 2008.

a. a contemporary style of painting inspired by the digital imaging used in computer technology and characterized mainly by presentation of an image whose surface have being fractured into a distinct configuration of squares creating a mosaic arrangement of texture, pattern and color.

b. a manner of painting with the characteristic appearance of a broken surface in which the subject is presented in a fragmented state.

c. a technique of painting in which the artist breaks down the painted surface into small areas using texture, color and pattern thereby creating a multifaceted effect similar to stained glass.

2. IMPASTO FREESTYLE

FREESTYLE ART MOVEMENT: Developed and defined by artist JOACHIM MCMILLAN from 2009.

a. a style characterized by its carefree strokes with the palette knife (or brush) and thick paint application. It is an outstanding expression of how free the artist applies strokes in a carefress or loose manner creating a constructive image that portray action in the viewers eyes.

I don't want to date anyone

2011-12-16T20:03:00.000-08:00

I have come to the conclusion that I don't want to date anyone yet.

I've drawn this conclusion because (least important) I keep thinking/ feeling that, but also because (most important) I keep canceling out of events organized for lesbians.

Now, I could meet my next partner at Toastmasters, or a board game social, or at the gym, or at the Humane Society... but, frankly, most chicks are straight and I've never hit ANYBODY'S gay-dar, ever. And I refuse to get an ugly haircut. And I'm just too... long into "being out" to "flag queer" with stickers and jewelry anymore. I won't do it.

This is my thinking: if I wanted it, I'd find my actions moving towards it. My actions don't move towards it. Therefore, I'm reasonably confident that even though I want it again at some time in the future, I really don't want it right now.

________________________
On the other hand, I did include the words "single lesbian" to my profile in all my on-line groups through which I find real-life social groups. I read it on someone else's profile, and thought, "Gee, maybe I should do that."

________________________
Similarly, I know someone who says "I really want X." But when offered X, person won't do Y to get it. Person will do Y to get Z, but not X. So even though I want person to want X, I need to recognize that if someone wants/ is ready for something, they move in that direction. It's not my place to beg, badger, plead, argue, logic-out, etc: but rather to notice, to HEAR the message in their actions.

Noticing that about a different person in a different situation made me more clear about how things are with me in my situation.

_________________________
I've been doing good work with Pamela lately about "sad." I suppose it's about learning how to notice it, feel it, how to hold it... without getting lost into an addictive acting-out place, "process skipping" into some other feeling/ focus, or falling into "temporal lobe dysfunction" where I go to that lost/ floaty/ anguished/ dispairing/ self-hating/ hopeless/ suicidal place.

Plus there's that whole "learning how to receive love/ compliments/ warmth/ gratitude/ appreciation" from others thing.

I KNOW KNOW KNOW KNOW this is critical to my ability to withstand (and select) a healthy, loving, emotionally available/ connected/ nurturing partner who can be an equal. That's my focus now. It's important.

I really mean it when I say I'd rather have no one than (yet another) not-good one.

Knowing that intensity = addiction, that BDSM and polyamory are set ups for me... that is extremely useful information.

Hey, if I coulda known that from the get-go, I woulda. It took what it took. But here I am now.

I'll be really pissed if I get hit by a bus before I can work this stuff out.

Burn Notice & White Collar

2011-12-15T19:37:00.000-08:00

I've been enjoying two con artist shows lately. It turns out they're both from USA Network (the cable channel).

After inexplicably being blacklisted by his government handlers and having all of his assets frozen, quick-thinking and resourceful spy Michael Westen (Jeffrey Donovan) focuses on finding who burned him and helping ordinary people with big problems. This thrilling Miami-based action series pairs the intrepid hero with several allies, including his ex-IRA ex-girlfriend (Gabrielle Anwar) and covert operative best buddy (Bruce Campbell). USA Network, 2007-10.

I'm 3 seasons into Burn Notice, and (aside from its superfluous T&A shots setting the stage for Miami -- where, you know, not a single pale or obese or tackily dressed person has ever lived... according to the show, anyway) while I wouldn't say it's the best ever, it's a pleasant ride and the drama isn't so horrific I need to drop the series (although I spent several of the first episodes telling skinny-main-character guy to just slap his mom whose Victim-mongering annoyed me to no end... but they did less of that with her later on). Yes, people die, but usually it's him sending bad guys after bad guys, and the death is usually off camera, and always quick, so it's not like CSI where you see 5 gory murder-reenactments every 42 min.

I confess, I also enjoy the updated MacGyver shtick: "how to be a spy & build spy equipment from cheap parts" part of the show. It's DEFINITELY not for paranoid conspiracy-theorists... they don't need more to worry about.

Ultra-suave forger and con man Neal Caffrey (Matthew Bomer) always dresses impeccably, even when he's prison-bound after FBI Agent Peter Burke (Tim DeKay) captures him. To avoid jail, Neal signs on to help Peter catch other white-collar thieves but conceals an ulterior motive. Aided by squirrely pal Mozzie (Willie Garson), Neal searches for his missing girlfriend while using high-tech gadgets and old-fashioned charm to nab bad guys with Peter. USA Network, 2009-10.

I'm only 2 discs into White Collar, but so far I really like it. I like the entourage of main characters: main character vest guy, nerdy best friend in crime, and wife who looks like Valerie Bertinelli (I always liked her look). It's also nice that the "the wife" gets air time, as well as the marital relationship (and not just sexy-lingerie-sex scenes: but genuine relationship building stuff... a few cuts above Hollywood's norm).

I just saw a plot twist where an dopey good guy turned into a mastermind con, and we'll have to see if the "evil" quotient gets so high I have to drop it (like 6 Feet Under, Big Love, Damages, and a slew of others). I also want to pluck all those ultra-bright colored contact lenses out of their eyes. For now, though, it's still good.

Yes, But... (Oui, mais...)

2011-12-14T19:27:00.000-08:00

Sexually blossoming teenager Églantine (Émilie Dequenne) is torn between an overbearing mother , an emotionally distant father and a manipulative boyfriend (Cyrille Thouvenin). Only when she visits a warm-hearted, insightful therapist (Gérard Jugnot) does she find the path to self-discovery. Yves Lavandier's heartfelt portrait of adolescence. French with subtitles 2001, NR, 104 min.

I really liked this movie.

First of all, I want to see almost any movie which has a shrink in it. This shrink, though, is very un-shrink-like, very human and likable.

His approach is totally Transactional Analysis, games, and the Karpman Drama Triangle (but without any diagrams or jargon). Oh, and it also demonstrates perfectly (multiple times) how to use "paradoxical therapy" ... you know, when someone's about to do something stupid & instead of arguing with them, you agree with them (because their real goal was to start a fight, push away, or rationalize a behavior rather than share a genuine position). All that made me like it even more.

And throughout the course of the movie, pretty-young-brunette girl "gets it." When she said "A big snob," when she said "My shrink is totally nuts," "Being a hustler at school is a hard job but the pay is really good, " and "If you jump I will be sad, very sad, but it won't be because of me or dad: it'll be because of your own self-hatred" ... I cheered for her so loud the cat left my lap. :(

Sometimes getting better doesn't require deep understanding of this or that, but rather simply the life skills to be in the midst of heavy "game" players, and yet interact "off the triangle." This movie demonstrated all that in an exceedingly natural and pleasant way.

The only caveat is that there are scenes of teenagers being sexual, so, for me, it was great to have the remote control nearby so I could FF through them.

Buffalo Soldiers (2001)

2011-12-13T22:33:00.000-08:00

Sgt. Ray Elwood (Joaquin Phoenix), a clerk in a U.S. Army battalion stationed in West Germany, spices up his humdrum existence by running a black market that supplies drug dealers with everything from kitchen cleaners to heroin. When he becomes the target of a major investigation, Elwood scrambles to keep his operation covert -- even as he's falling in love with the daughter (Anna Paquin) of the new top sergeant heading the investigation. 2001, R, 98 min.

I was quite engaged by this move, very taken.

It's a slow movie, by modern standards, and has a complete dearth of that shaky-camera style. Some of the camera shots are beautifully arranged, even while the content (or context) depict tragedy.

The main character is likable, although by the end one realizes he must actually be a sociopath, undisturbed as he is by consequences to others.

The plot contains some twists and turns that provide a nice pay off in the end.

For me, the most haunting scene that returned to me afterwords, unbidden, was the (context appropriate) slow motion one man lunges forward with a blade, then the other man lunges forward with his blade.

It also helped that the soundtrack, the musical theme, was spot-on for me... I LOVED it.

While I don't plan to purchase my own copy, as it stands now (after watching twice for content, once for commentary) I can easily imagine watching it several times again in future with continued enjoyment.

In Good Company

2011-12-12T22:34:00.000-08:00

view of stage & seating from outside building

view of stage from 2nd row

I attended the NW Dance Project performance In Good Company; a $33 performance that I liked a lot. Many, perhaps all, of their shows sold out.

The shtick with this set of 6 dances is that the dancers chose the music (limited to the 10,000 record collection of some guy) and then they choreographed their own dances to it. As I understand it, this differs from how these things are typically done, where directors and choreographers plan the whole thing, and then have the dancers enact it.

I don't have a dance vocabulary with which to discuss (much less critique!) the show or its moves, but it definitely falls under the very wide umbrella of "modern dance."

I really liked the masks (although, given there were 2 mask droppings, it's obvious they need to find a way to secure them better). My one "beef" was that during the time they had a high powered light box directly facing the audience, it was hard to watch the dance through the dim studio and directly into the interrogation-style lighting. Overall, my favorite performance was There Will Be Time by Samantha Campbell... about, one eventually realizes, three people waiting for the bus to arrive.

My lasting impression upon leaving was, "I want to subscribe to the rest of the season!"

soliloquy, monologue

2011-12-11T18:49:00.000-08:00

Fellow Toastmasters, honored guests: I’m your Grammarian today. My job is to notice the usage of language, to make a note of it at the end of the meeting, and to introduce the Word of the Day.

A soliloquy is simply when you talk to yourself. It could be a short phrase, or a long speech, but if you don’t intend for anyone else to hear what you’re saying, then it’s a soliloquy.

On the other hand, when it's all about communicating with others, and you have a lot to say: that’s a monologue.

It's Shakespeare's fault that we confuse the two. When we think of sololiloquy, we think of Shakespeare, we think of long speeches, we think, "that must be the same thing as 'monologue.' "

Let’s look at some examples.

When Hamlet ponders aloud, “ To be, or not to be, that is the question.” Is that a monologue -- is he saying it to someone else? -- or is it a soliloquy -- is he just thinking aloud? … (soliloquy).

When Richard III wishes he could just get away from his well deserved, impending death, he bemoans “A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!” … Which is that? … (soliloquy). Yes! He's not asking the invading army for a get away vehicle, his desire is so strong that it just comes tumbling out of his lips.

When two Christians ask Shylock, “What could you possibly want with a pound of Antonio’s flesh?” he answers, “I am a Jew. Hath not a Jew eyes, organs, dimensions, senses, passions?” That is a… (monologue). He's speaking to other people, and he has a lot to say.

Finally, when Marcus Antonius begins his justification for murdering Julius Caesar with, “Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears!” … (monologue)

Bonus points for either monologue or soliloquy. Madam Toastmaster...

_______________

Until this morning, when I finally found a Word of the Day for my next Toastmaster's gig, I mistook, like so many others have done, these two words to be synonyms.

I was quite surprised to find that I'd been misusing one of my favorite words. I triple checked my results, and revised my Grammarian's mini-speech introducing the WotD. In this you'll notice I not only define it, I get the audience to think, define, and say the words twice. With the right audience, it'll come off as fun.

things we live without

2011-12-10T09:54:00.000-08:00

This is my relaxed morning, where I don't have anything in my appointment book until 11:30am. I woke up without an alarm, although about the same time as usual, and spent some time on Pamela protocols... the "I am open to receiving love/ warmth/ gratitude/ good wishes/ compliments from others" and, as a matter of course, continuing the temporal lobe improvement via "I am living in the future now: I made it out of childhood" and "My temporal lobes get stronger every day; there's no reason they can't get to 100%." [This am my TL arm-tested in at 87-88-89%.]

I wonder if it was related to all that which led to thoughts, memories & feelings in the shower this morning. For absolutely no apparent reason, I found myself knowing WITH A CERTAINTY that a former partner read my diaries.

Now that was something that struck me quite clearly about a year ago, when I shredded them. I pondered if I really wanted to let them ALL go, and so flipped through some of the pages from certain time periods. In one... just randomly it came up... I read a diary entry in which I wrote the equivalent of "My counselor said I should leave the relationship because x can't be there for me, it's extraordinary that x can't even y, and that's a non-negotiably unacceptable thing in a relationship." Then, the next entry was "It's the most stunning thing, x did y, which x has never ever done before, and it's the strangest thing."

Not only did x do y, but x did y with the exact same details in which I had written that I wanted y... for example, a green cookie with brown frosting. Now, the odds are so against that very specific thing... it's astronomically unlikely it happened any other way.

And not only that, it was something that x never did again, ever. That's why it struck me as so obvious that diary reading had generated such abnormal behavior.

But, in the shower, even as I knew (again) that it was true that x read my diary, and still totally believe it was related to x's fear of losing me in relationship (coupled with x's fears which most would classify as jealousy), I soon afterwords knew just as strongly that this was not a regular, ongoing practice, but rather something that happened just a few times out of powerless-feeling desperation.

Do you know what I miss? Being in a 12 Step environment where the (for the most part) mutually agreed upon goal is to own one's own behavior. It's all well & good, in some ways, to simply "go forth and sin no more," but it's often (not always, but often) EVEN BETTER to look another human being in the eye and say,

"I did several things that hurt both of us, and I'd like to own my own behavior. You may or may not have known about all of the things I did, but it would help me stay sober if you would allow me the discomfort and humiliation of sharing with you some of my least flattering behaviors, even though I know that you may feel uncomfortable, and might even choose to sever relationship with me as a result. Would you allow me to share these secrets with you? You can say 'no' if you wish, but I hope you will give me permission to continue."

That is what I miss about 12 Step. Not everyone can do that to that degree, but it is an environment which strongly supports that type of thing.

That is what I really want from x, and, come to think of it, a whole lot of others, too, including my dead stepfather: an ownership of wrongs done. That is the amend I'll never get from so many, and that's how real life goes.

In turn, there must be others I have similarly harmed, in ways that I have been oblivious of, and thus will never make amends for.

Strangely, though, it seems right & appropriate for me to say that I am pretty good, generally, at owning my own behaviors, once I see them. I do tend to be willing, and even prefer, looking another in the eye and saying, "I harmed us both when I ... read your diary... stole money from your purse when you went to use the restroom... wrote your home address on the internet... purposely led you to misunderstand my relationship with z."

I find a sense of personal empowerment that comes from owning my own behaviors, even (especially?) the darkest of behaviors, that is unobtainable by any other means.

The more of my old business I put to rest, the better I am able to resolve the grip of the past and be freed for a brighter future.

Meanwhile, anyone who wants to come clean about harms they whitewashed: consider yourself invited.

_____________
That kind of behavior-ownership I indented above: this is the sort of discussion I have had several times with Dave. Well, not so much "I read your diary," but more "I am angry and I'd like to tell you about it. Is this an OK time for that to happen?" followed by a lengthy, emotional soliloquy in which the speaker owns their own responsibility/ feelings, and the listener stays in supportive relationship while hearing an unflattering rendition of several pain-causing, less-than-admirable behaviors, without attempting to explain, pacify, justify, belittle, of make-better. Rather, to just hear & be, together.

(Example: NOT "You were a low down, dirty, S.O.B. when you...", but rather "When you told me x, but then you acted y, I felt z, and then I didn't do the ideal of telling you about it, or maybe I did but not very well, and I was so hurt and angry; I never felt like I really got you to hear how very hard that was for me.")

It's a magnificent thing, and an ability I suspect I will find an absolute requirement in my next partner.

massive infusion of fun & what happened next

2011-12-09T21:01:00.000-08:00

Last week I felt fine (Pamela intuited, and the arm agreed, that I was disconnected) until I went in to spend time with my shrink. Then we did stuff, and I felt this enormous lake of sadness.

We identified this as a one (of the perhaps 385 different) patterns that leads to binging:

sadness --> emptiness --> binging

I notice that looks a lot like a pattern I saw two years ago with anger. At that time Pamela showed me how I would slip out of anger into shame (as in my internal world it was obviously OK, even right & appropriate, that *I* am bad, but to say "It's not OK that you harmed me, you shouldn't do that, and I'm mad about it" is intolerable to something inside me and that leads to slipping OUT of anger, which is what I really feel, to shame... clinicians call that "process skipping").

From what she says about the impact of emotional neglect (that's her word and she keeps using it)(once you buy into the idea that early development stuff is the foundation upon which our selves is built, and that things -- as anyone with MPD/DID knows -- that are intolerably painful can split off) in crib-years, it makes a lot of sense. Attachment theory points out that infants who are ignored eventually stop asking for assistance, and just go into dismay. It makes sense that sadness could become overwhelming.

Whatever. The part I'm mostly concerned about is addressing... my mental health equivalent of a massive line of ants leading to the same place: binging.

She noticed something she thought was good (and this woman is sparse with compliments, so we know she means it when she says it) I still have lots of "resource," the Temporal Lobes are functioning well, the sad is current (instead of intrusive old material coming into the present), and I'm "experiencing it freshly from the heart... perhaps for the first time."

I'm still a bit vague on what Pamela means by "from the heart," but I'll tell you, she's all about that (& always has been). For her, it's the pinnacle of ... mental health, I guess. All her talk of things like "heart," "pleasure," "happiness," "intuition," "chakras" and the like used to make me cringe, but repeated exposure has diminished my defensiveness/ contempt/ exasperation/ feeling of threat/ ridicule of (what I used to call) the Care Bear stuff.

I also asked "the arm" what the sad place needed/wanted. I thought the answer was going to be more sit still/ do nothing/ be inactive/ Focusing/ meditation time. HA!

IT ("the arm") said what it wanted was more fun activities (like with other people)... just the opposite of what I thought would be indicated.

Now I'd like to address that next week.

I spent lots of time at home, watching DVDs, and there was binging. Thursday I had a funny storytelling show (a fundraiser for MS) that I'd paid for, but there was no one else going with me, so I skipped it. All I wanted to do was hide out at home.

Then, in the course of ONE weekend I attended: (1) a diary reading show: very fun, and funny. Someone else attended, and I enjoyed it. (2) Toastmasters, where I heard a truly awesome & memorable dodge of the topic of C-mas trees (I'll blog about that later), (3) the Portland Gay Men's Chorus (spectacular!), (4) I hosted a women's board game social (where fun was had by all, and the event went off as smooth as butter due to someone's skill at hostessing), (5) a long phone call with a good friend, (6) an architectural lecture & tour of a mini-mansion (attended by two others whose company I enjoyed), and (7) live time with another good friend.

I can't help but think it's (at least a partial) consequence of the massive infusion of a wide variety of fun, including friends, that led to my ability to step aside from desserts & binging, and to do so pretty painlessly. Yet, I'd be lying if I didn't say that part of me still finds that surprising.

Pamela asked, and "the arm" agreed, that it was very strongly related to my massively improved Temporal Lobe functioning. (We first muscle tested it during my post-BDSM difficult time, wherein it tested at 18%, but the latest number is 85%, probably trebling my previous life time high. Research agrees: TL function is abysmal in ignored babies. In those cases, there is no visceral sense of "future" which really dis-empowers the ability to make best choices.)

With all that as a foundation, Pamela then asked if I was able to take in the warmth/ pleasure/ goodness of friendly company.

I spoke of my surprise when the woman who attended two of those weekend adventures with me had, upon parting company, made a statement that sounded as if she had a sense of pleasure & connection from her time with me, as if it had something to do with me personally. I told her that I noticed that, but it had little meaning to me, other than to be oddly curious, although obviously a good curious.

She said it was as if I was "impervious," and the goal was to make me more "porous." I knew exactly what she meant, and I agreed with both her assessment & the goal.

We then asked "the arm" her question (Can I take in the warmth of another person's appreciation?) and it indicated "no." I spoke of how I was fairly good at learning how to do roles (hostess, 12 Stepper, BDSMer, sponsor/sponsee, employee, service worker, patron, or pursuer of relationship), but found it challenging to "just be" and then flow with a potential warm connection.

I also saw immediately how to be able to do that would be a massive boon to both friendships and potential future relationships, which is really all the incentive I need to plunge ahead.

She spoke about how my skill at "following forms" was an adaptation (albeit with many beneficial side effects), but she thought my clever wit & intelligence (Ex: she had a new thing in her office: a decorated gourd from Africa, with a carrying strap, for carrying blood or milk... I noted that would be the African version of a plastic bottle... which she apparently thought was clever) came from my "true self." She also said (again, she doesn't offer superfluous encouragement, so I trust her to literally mean what she says) that she believed that the ability to ... something like... receive openly in my heart the warmth & appreciation from others to be "near at hand."

I noticed that as soon as she used the phrase "true self," something in me felt wary.

In the end she suggested (after "the arm" agreed to all components) a protocol called "Remembering the True Self" (heart/forehead, heart/crown, forehead/crown, infinity heart breath) with the intention "I am open to appreciation from others."

Repeating it to write it down (homework, you know) I Freudian slipped it to "appreciation to others." "No," she said, "appreciation FROM others."

I can tell I'll have to really work at that. It'll slip, left to my own devices. Oh, I know: "I'm open to receiving appreciation from others." That'll do it.

I like this assignment/ topic/ current event/ material because (a) it's nice to have such fluffy, non-anguishing material be the topic of counseling attention, and (b) I'd love to have this thing (don't quite know what to call it) installed. It'd make a lot of things that arise in social situations much easier/ more intuitive to handle, and as I've recently discovered elsewhere, more sources of pleasure not only increases my happiness, but it reduces the hold/ enactment of addictive behaviors, as well.

_________________
The next chapter.

As if to demonstrate the point via exaggeration, my Netflix queue that evening brought me the movie THE REMAINS OF THE DAY. The butler is impervious to an astounding degree: more computer-like than (Star Trek's) Data, really.

Doing the "homework," I was pondering what an "open, porous heart" would be like. It came to me that perhaps I might open up to people in the same way I open up to animals. ("The arm" agreed this was a good description.)

I could see right away how wonderful this would be, both for myself, and for having an impact in the lives of others. It's not super common that people can be well boundaried and open hearted: when we know someone like that, we tend to treasure them.

I also supposed that my growing skill with the drama triangle (including games, projections, and the "hot potato" shame game -- I'm not bad, you're the one who's bad, or the reverse: you're not bad, I'm the one who's bad) have helped me be less triggered around those whose unhappiness leaks out to others, which sometimes includes me.

And, of course, none of this would be possible without the copious work with Pamela to make more tangible my formerly very amorphous ego... which couldn't happen without the decades of clean time & healing I got in 12 Step.

To be able to move from "treat a baby like a dog... act excited & silly, make funny faces" as a FORM to ... I can write the words, but I can't viscerally experience what it would feel like ... to actually FEELING the same kind of love/ compassion/ kindness/ enthusiasm/ openness for generic human beings (including babies) like I do with animals... now that would be a ... outta this world.

Joy to the Modern World by PGMC

2011-12-08T08:28:00.000-08:00

PGMC

PGMC, detail

This Portland Gay Men's Chorus holiday show was them at their best: all one hopes/ has come to expect from them, and then some.

It's always a bit of a variety show. There were sweet songs, funny songs, gay songs, international songs, and traditional holiday songs.

The three that stood out for me as the very most enjoyable were: Wedding Qawwali (an African sounding song), the iBand's instrumental songs (played entirely on iPads ... the choral bells were my favorite, good enough to almost make me want to get one, although the phone-shaker-thing was the funniest), and (but, of course) Gaga for the Holidays (featuring 3 Gaga-esque drag queens, of which the Hanukkah menorah was my favorite).

Yes, once again, a good time was had by all.

I was in the 2nd balcony which, trust me, is VERY high up in the air. Surprisingly, the slope of that 2nd balcony was so steep that while none of the performers appeared large, my view was entirely un-impeded. Good engineering is a boon to everyone.

Menora Gaga, detail

C-mas ball Gaga, Menora Gaga, & Thorny Golden Gaga

The Albee House

2011-12-07T08:31:00.000-08:00

My realtor has always called it the "Mayor's Mansion," but the Architectural Heritage Center calls it The Albee House, yet another surviving Portland masterpiece by architect A.E. Doyle.

This beauty was designed in 1911, built in 1912, and occupied in 1913. It's nowhere near the scale of the Pittock Mansion, but each time I ponder these turn-of-the-last-century, uber-rich, white men's grand homes I am always a bit soured upon learning that it took longer to build (8years) than they survived to live in it afterwords (5 years). It's refreshing to see an exception to that silliness. It's nice, but really it's just a large house.

The current owner has it on the market (and the price keeps dropping: currently it's at $1.75mil, and I heard the property taxes are $28k/yr) and it is beautiful inside. I don't just mean the to-be-expected amazing woodwork, built-ins, modern kitchen, palatial landscaping, leaded glass windows and view (it abuts Laurelhurst park), but the color scheme of the painted walls... very nicely done.

The architectural lectures were short but interesting. We were taught to see the copious Greek columns in the building (the Parthenon was considered the "perfect" building structure by architects at that time) as well as those of Arts & Crafts (Colonial Revival, to be specific).

The house was CROWDED, even though the A.H.C. deemed the event "sold out." It was, in effect, the largest "Open House" I've ever attended.

My photos are mostly of the little decorating touches that I particularly enjoyed rather than that which makes the building itself so magnificent.

Nothing quite matches the original version of real wood paneling
in the dining room like a beautiful wood clock that chimes.

You know you're rich when...
your pocket doors have leaded glass.
Matching the bookcase doors... that's just style points.

leaded glass ornamentation detail
(stylized flowers.. or trees... very Arts & Crafts)
Notice that the glass is so thick, it's beveled.

fireplace mantle of family room in basement

plant stand in Living Room, hardwoods with edging
detail, and functional radiator heating

Mortified Live!

2011-12-06T08:33:00.000-08:00

Once again members of Portland's community came forward to reveal their embarrassing pasts... on purpose, and probably without pay. Exhibitionism at its finest!

Here are some memorable quotes:

"I tell her her teeth are so yellow 'I can't believe it's not butter.' "

Written by a 6th grader: "I got dumped by a 4th grader!"

"I'm secretly giving up name calling for Lent."

Excerpt on the history of superstition about ladders: "A ladder was used in the crucifixion of Jesus so that, itself, is bad luck."

"Who sells the fragrance of contentment? I want it to slip down my brain like ambrosia."

"Never again can I claim my chronologically ordered Skittles collection as my most interesting quirk."

"Bear: You alone can make my song take flight."

"My senior year where I successfully but barely kept my virginity."

"We held hands the whole time & that really gets me going."

The guy in red cape told how he was a total D&D fan, carrying his 27 sided die to school in a pouch hand-sewn by his mother, until the day after he attended a D&D convention. It scared him so much he never played the game again.

Mortified Live! plays at Mission Theater, 1624 NW Glisan, $16. 21 and over. Next show: Feb 14-5, 2012.

Word to the wise: I arrived at 7pm for the 8pm show and had to do some serious finagling to nab 3 seats together... upstairs in the most side corner. For a large party, one MUST arrive before 7, probably 6:30 or 6 (when doors open). Show also sells out, so buy in advance.

anything about C-mas trees; or nothing at all about them

2011-12-05T11:11:00.000-08:00

A bit like in a 12 Step meeting, each week in Toastmasters a different person serves in the various roles. This week's Toastmaster (think: chairperson, the MC) is a more experienced member who likes to (it feels to me a bit like) push & cajole members into giving more.

Early in the week he sent an email requesting an introduction (even though I'm just Table Topics Master, not a Speaker presenting a speech) which included "3 facts about me that wouldn't be found in a resume."

Writing one's own introduction feels peculiar in the same way that touting one's strengths in an employment interview does: the mind recognizes the necessity, yet the practice goes against the grain. At least, that's how it is for me and many of my friends.

Yet writing good introductions is one of the 25 different skills Toastmasters teaches us. A good introduction includes something personal, something interesting, and something that touches in some way upon the topic of their upcoming speech. Mediocre introductions are dry lists of achievements: great introductions are entertaining, inspiring, and add a more human element to contrast the professionalism of the actual speech. Or something like that.

Jayne won't be stringing lights on her house or stacking presents under a tree this holiday season, but next week she will be attending her first of two mid-week, winter-rate pilgrimages to an ocean front hotel in Cannon Beach.

A fan of frequent rain, blustery winds, and changeable skies, she's lucky enough to actually prefer winter storm watching during the discount season to the more popular, expensive, and crowded summer season.

Presenting today's Table Topics, please help me welcome...Jayne .

And here is my Table Topics presentation. I think most people just do this off the cuff, but I find if I prepare & practice I do it better, and then after doing it that way 10 or 15 or 25 times I'm much better at doing that particular thing off the cuff. In that way, it's a bit like speaking (or making announcements or giving a financial report or chairing) at a 12 Step meeting.

Hi. I’m Jayne and I will be presenting Table Topics, the audience participation portion of the meeting.

Table Topics are 1-2 minute impromptu speeches. The lights at the back of the room signal you about your time progression: green for 1 minute, yellow for 1 and a half, and red for 2.

I’d like to present 2 levels of challenge for you today.

The first, easy level is to simply address the topic: Tell us anything about Christmas trees. It needn’t be true, although it can be, and you get bonus points both for using the word of the day, and also if you can make a funny story.

The second level of challenge is to sidestep the topic.

Have you ever had someone ask you a question so personal, invasive, bold, direct, and inappropriate that – like that commercial – you wished you could just get away? In real life we can’t just get away, but skilled communicators know how to give a politician’s answer, an artful dodge to a direct question. The second level of challenge, my friends, is to NOT address the topic of Christmas trees.

I've never heard anyone else offer sidestepping as a TT like this before, but it is within the purview of Toastmasters. While I know how to not answer a question, I'd really enjoy increasing the artfulness of how I do so... to come off more like Bill Clinton and less like a bull in a china shop. Watching others -- more & less skilled than I -- should be quite instructional. The more because I see what they do right, and the less because it can demonstrate so well what to not do, and why.

Toastmasters is work, but it can be quite fun, too.

murders vs. cons

2011-12-04T00:26:00.000-08:00

I like watching, being in the middle of a multiple-year-long tv series.

Most "drama" get too exacerbating for me: people make stupid decisions (that's why they call it drama: they are drama triangle moves), lie, cheat, and... act stupid, so usually those go over the top for me... especially if the characters are more about typecasting than depth of character development.

I've long been a fan of murder investigation cop shows, but as time goes by each tries so hard to be new, cool, & edgy that the formula has become about a few sexual flirtations tossed in to copious replays of varied hypothesis about how the murder occurred... so that in one 40 minute episode, even if only 1 person died, the audience is exposed to perhaps 5 "reinactments" of various types of murder. That is so different than, say, Law & Order. I came to the conclusion that it wasn't in my highest & best interest to be exposed to witnessing a murder approximately every 15 minutes of DVD viewing time. And that's not even calculating in the ultra-disturbing component of serial killer twists.

Haven't you gotten a bit tired of seeing women killed my men? It's not always women, but it most often is. *sigh*

So I've been trying to veer away from that towards more of the con artist/ swindler/ team does crime/ or team solves swindler crime instead. There can still be violence, superfluous T&A shots, and damels in distress, and perhaps even killed by quick gunfire... but it's a lot less intense, pre-planned, hands-on-gruesome. A step back from that.

Annoyingly, though, there's still some drama (short for moves on the drama triangle). In the one show I'm watching right now, it's about Victim-Persecutor-Rescuer, playing TA games, about everyone knowing that everyone else is not being honest, and yet no one saying so, but rather tossing in counter-manipulations of their own. *sigh*

I wonder if I'll give that up. Do I really get that much from it? Is it really a substitute for more close company in my inner circle of friendships & partnerships? Is it true that the best part of it is background for hand sewing/ mending/ bead work which I enjoy so much? Most likely, some combination of all 3.

third month update

2011-12-03T22:53:00.000-08:00

I thought I'd give just the briefest of notes about my physical situation.

I continue to work out three times a week with my personal trainer. I am flabbergasted at the strength of my commitment to the process, probably because it comes from my "body" rather than my "head." In other words, I feel it, and notice it, but am left without logical explanation, because it wasn't something I "talked" or "pushed" myself into.

Trying to work without the addictive, obsessive component, as a harnessed force for "good," is quite unusual for me.

On the eating front, I find I still binge a good quantity of the time. In my life, it is obviously the cockroach of patterned behaviors... you know, the only living creature to survive a world-wide nuclear attack? Yeah, like that.

Last week's final session with Pamela put me in touch with an ENORMOUS well of sadness. I got in touch with it during Monday morning's Focusing session, but I had forgotten all about that until after my workout later Monday morning.

While the insight felt meaningful, it didn't curb the "acting out" behavior for long.

Beyond all logic, I am still optimistic about this topic, and my work with Pamela.

I also find that I have lost a steady 2 pounds... no, not a week, but per month, despite all the binging. I didn't measure this time, but the other two months I lost 1/4 inch off (basically) everywhere (and more from the waist). Trust me, there's still lots more to go, but I've done the up/down thing long enough to know that any movement in the right direction... especially steady, consistent movement, is VERY good.

I can tell that I'm stronger (not just in the gym, but in real life, too) and my balance is better. Much better.

It's funny: when one is obese, and one's friends inactive, one doesn't have occasion to be confronted with the types of activities that really slap one in the face and say "OMG: You are living life like a cripple, you have so little ability left." On the other hand, getting my a** pushed by a personal trainer, and comparing/contrasting it with what the OTHER clients of personal trainers are doing during overlapping gym time, helps make it more clear, as does when I try something new and I have to stop because my parts scream with big stabs of bad-pain almost instantly.

The fact that I'm optimistic despite all the logic to the contrary, and the regular participation of gym work without it being fueled by obsessive "acting in" ... these are side effects of my work with Pamela.

Rocket Man, by Steve Dietz

2011-12-02T20:18:00.000-08:00

Rocket Man: a hilarious modern comedy of space & time. Twilight Repertory Theater, performing at 2110 SE 10th Ave (ShoeBox), Nov 18 - Dec 11, $5 - 15 cash at door.

"There is a window of time for each thing in our lives and if we don't take them it's too late."

"We have nothing to fear but fear of ourselves."

"Nothing is more obvious than the solution to our friends' problems."

"Our life, like our work, is based on the distance between us."

"I'm sorry, but your application for empathy has been denied."

holiday bonus

2011-12-01T21:23:00.000-08:00

Instead of giving cash (the equivalent of one week's pay) as a holiday bonus to some of my closest support team of professionals, I've offered the following options. Which would you choose?

Subscription for two (in economy seating):

(A) 3 ballet (Oregon Ballet Theater)
(B) 3 orchestra (Portland Baroque Orchestra)
(C) 3 men's chorus (Portland Gay Men's Chorus)
(D) 3 plays + 2 staged readings (Profile Theater)
(E) 4 storytelling (Portland Story Theater)

Since my personal trainer works most weeknights, and I don't think he's into any of that stuff, I also offered him choice of

(F) 8 quarts organic soup delivered to office (SoupCycle)
(G) $65 gift certificate (Guardian Games)

I love to choose... as long as the menu isn't overwhelmingly large. Therefore, I love to offer options. Be it tea, homemade brownies, costume jewelry from a Roman flea market, sauces for pasta, cultural opportunities, or gift certificates, presenting others with options thrills me.

And if it's hard to choose, because several of them are good... that's like hitting the jackpot.

Somehow I think I get that from Mom. Not the "thrills me" part, but the options part. Empowering, yet channeled.

______________________
I would choose (D). It offers both the greatest number (five plays) and the greatest variety (5 playwrights). Odds are that, of the five, I'd like at least one of them. Option (D) is like a theatrical sampler plate, whereas the other options are more similar... or, at least, seem so to my untrained (in dance & music & cuisine) mind.
______________________
Who (whom?) I haven't offered anything to is Pamela, the one I'd like to float a "thank you" to most of all. She's very meticulous about not taking anything. I'd like to offer her the choice of 5 charities to which I would donate an amount of cash, in lieu of a personally received gift, but I'm very sure she'd still say "no," so I don't even ask. It's a pristine boundaries thing.
_____________________
EPILOGUE: Of the 4 people I offered varieties of these options to, 2 chose ballet, 1 games, and 1 soup. No one chose the plays or storytelling, those which interest me most. See, now, that's why I like offering options: people value different things.

Trey McIntyre Project

2011-11-30T07:47:00.000-08:00

In six short years Trey McIntyre Project has become one of the most in-demand, acclaimed dance companies in the United States. Trey McIntyre embraces all forms of movement, from ballet to modern to hip-hop, set to music ranging from classical to jazz and rock. Connecting deeply with our audience three years ago, TMP will return with dancers who are exceptionally athletic, music that is unpredictable, and choreography that is richly inventive and emotional. 95min. White Bird Dance, Dec 1-3, $26-64 www.treymcintyre.com <-- link includes videos

In Dreams (2007), Music by Roy Orbison

Gravity Heroes (2011), Music by Antony and The Johnsons, Tommy James & The Shondells, Benjamin Britten, others

The Sweeter End (2011), Music by Preservation Hall Jazz Band

I found I really liked the simpler stuff better, like when there were fewer performers on the stage, and/or their movements were slower. Not always, but usually.

My favorites were the effect of that torn-up white costume with white stuff that floated about (from a stash in each dancers' hoodie), and the one with the umbrella/RR tie.

Reckless, by Craig Lucas

2011-11-29T18:01:00.000-08:00

When Rachel's husband takes a hit out on her life, her narrow Christmas escape gifts her with a peculiar, but loving, new family. There’s Lloyd, a gentle social worker, and Pooty, his deaf-mute, paraplegic wife. They both work for Hands Across the Sea, a little nonprofit organization for the disabled.

Rachel’s unsinkable attitude goes from unease with her unpleasable coworker to disbelief when she learns the secrets Lloyd and Pooty both harbor. Other than that, everything’s great. Until the following Christmas when Rachel’s husband comes looking for closure.A Bonnie-and-Clyde road trip has fantasy colliding with reality as Rachel and Lloyd break down in order to move on.

Portland Actor's Conservatory, 1436 SW Montgomery, Nov 30 - Dec 18 $5-25.

It was an energetic performance, a fun event, and a full-circle plot. Rebecca Ridenour was adorable (albeit a little exhausting) as the over-enthusiastic optimistic girl, but my favorite was Adam Thompson's effeminate, New Age-y version of The Doctor.

"The past is a nightmare you wake up to every morning."

"I'm a crippled deaf girl / short & stout / here is my wheelchair / here is my mouth (indicating hands)."

No matter how you slice it, writing a little jingle like that... takes chutzpah.

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Portland Actor's Conservatory has a new parking system. One parks in a "1 hour except for special permit" zone, buys a $2 single-use parking permit from inside the theater, places it on the rear view mirror, and escapes the probability of receiving a $60 parking ticket.

The local residents have finally cracked down in this way, due to rampant over-parking by PSU students. NW Pdx is like that: very population dense, and parking is at a premium. (One of the many reasons I prefer East side.)

lack of acceptance

2011-11-28T09:35:00.000-08:00

I confess, I have a trigger, a resentment, a pet peeve, a button which can be easily pushed by others.

I've joined several women's groups: women's theater, women's boardgames, women's movies, women's social, and lesbian's social.

I continue to be amazed by what a large percentage of times a woman ... in the woman's group... RSVPs yes to an event with the comment "Can I bring my boyfriend/husband?" or "My boyfriend/husband is jealous; I can only attend if he comes with me." Ditto with the woman who volunteers to host, writing "My husband will be attending because we've agreed he can attend any --- event hosted at my house."

This bothers me in so many ways.

Why would you husband/boyfriend WANT to attend a women's event? It's not like he's single & looking. Or... is he?

Why would you RSVP yes BEFORE you ask the host, via a private communication, if the other person would be allowed to attend? Do you relish making her say "Uh, no, didn't ya read the description?"

Why would you be OK with only going to events your husband/boyfriend attended? How can that be right?

Why would you be OK with letting your husband/boyfriend co-opt your every relationship &/or activity? How could that nourish you or the relationship?

Do you recognize that it's no longer a "women's" event if men are there? Don't you think that if you joined because YOU wanted to meet more WOMEN, that the other women, too, want to meet more women (instead of your husband/boyfriend)? Do you join vegetarian groups and ask to bring a meat sandwich, or go to an AA social and ask to bring a bottle of wine? Isn't the basic definition of "women's" group "no men?"

If what you want is CO-ED events, or COUPLE'S events, why aren't you and your ever-at-your-side husband/boyfriend going to those events, hosted by different groups? Could it be that you aren't interested in meeting even more men, either?

Aren't you frightened by the implications of letting your social life & relationships be Borg-ed by your constant attempts to belay your husband/boyfriend's jealous control?

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I had a similar situation come up when I was hosting socials in Santa Barbara. I was happily involved in the middle of Santa Barbara's small queer AA community. It felt like home, I felt popular & accepted, I enjoyed hosting, and I had a nice, (relatively) large space to host with.

However, with the Murder Mystery dinner socials, I needed exactly 8 attendees. Plus, to do the costumes according to character, some needed to wear pants, and others needed to wear dresses. In my group there were a number of guy-men and butch women... but very few girly girls and no drag queens. That put dress-wearers at a very high premium.

A number of times it came up that ... even in AA, where people get grilled with the idea that one builds INDIVIDUAL relationships, even outside their partnership... where I'd explain the deal, and the shortness of dress-wearers, and how there was no role for a 9th person to attend, and the dress-wearer I invited (or her girlfriend) would be ENORMOUSLY offended that I invited JUST ONE of the couple to attend.

The truth is, I don't even understand WHY they were offended at not receiving an invitation. And, the truth is, I can't even IMAGINE assuming that I should attend, much less be invited, to EVERY event my partner attends.

In fact, I STAUNCHLY assert that my partners not only can, but SHOULD have independent events & friendships. I ACTIVELY PROTEST when they don't. To me it is a red flag if they don't, and a green flag when they do. For me, it's about balance: some together, some independent. Both.

"But why do you care," one might ask. Well, 1st off, I wish I didn't, but 2nd, it does impact me, in that either people respond to what is essentially a compliment ("I'm having a party and I'd love to have YOU attend") as if it were an insult, and also that when I sign up for a group with high hopes for women's space, it is a bit like raining on my parade to have men there... sorta like you COULD take your mom on a date, but would you really want to? It's just a different environment. Less fun, less free.

Let's be clear. This "not without my partner" condition: it exists in the world. They are not the problem, my discomfort with my own reaction is the problem. Yes, it's illogical, as is much in the world. And it is absolutely inconceivable that *I* would ever be able to "solve" the "problem."

Therefore, acceptance is called for.

I'd enjoy life better if this didn't bother me.

magic: trees, leaves, & Tinkerbell

2011-11-27T12:52:00.000-08:00

I have the joyful experience of finding that "the goddess of wisdom," that is, the place of full resource where the simple, right path or answer becomes clear in the midst of a very entangled, reactive, complicated situation... THAT happens as a matter of course when I have set the ground work of combining down time + fun + stepping aside from addictive intensity.

I woke up this morning, after keeping "How will I respond to Michael's email?" on the back burner all day yesterday, with a certainty about what my priority is (and why), what actions to take, and how, and when.

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I've noticed that when I participate in binge eating (it may not always qualify, technically, as a "binge," but let's just call it that as a descriptor) I often get a heavy quality.

It turns out there are some "parts" of me that really want that type of experience. They experience it as grounding, like an oak tree. To that place, it feels like over-stuffing with food becomes a way to experience my physical body, my groundedness, like an oak tree.

I've long noticed that when I don't eat like that, especially when I physical activity becomes part of my regular routine, that I feel lighter, bouncier, more energetic.

That can feel great, but to something else that can also feel very much like a leaf floating in the wind: aimless, ungrounded, dis-empowered, uprooted, disconnected, lost. (Notice that that description sounds almost exactly like what Pamela calls "temporal lobes being off.")

Today, during a Focusing session, I was sitting with everything I've written in this post, and a new analogy came to me.

Perhaps another way that light, energetic, up in the air sensation could be... instead of an autumn leaf, drained of its chlorophyll, blown away from its tree, drifting & dieing... perhaps it might be like Tinkerbell. A small ball of glowing, yellow light, moving according to its own volition, empowered and full of magic.

I found myself thinking of a delightful children's fantasy book (whose author I can't recall). In it the teenage boy was a powerful magician. He saw magic as lighted strings all around him. To teleport, or make something appear, or to alter things, all he did was pull or twist those strings.

But, you see, no one else could see the strings. To them, it just looked like finger motions in the air which created magic. Being able to see what no one else can see... it appears to them like magic.

I recently watched a 1970s DVD series called The First Churchills. Churchill was a guy who rose to the top in politics & armed forces because he was able to see what no one else could see: the lay of the land, the core issue of a matter, the dis/inclinations of others, the way to get things done. It was all quite tangible and functionally workable to him, but everyone else around him would lose their heads to reactivity on this hot button or that, or else look to him for as Rescuer, since so few were as clear-headed.

Maybe that drifting is like Tinkerbell, and its like magic. Because when you can see what others can't see, and work with what others don't even know is there, it's like magic to them.

And, similar to the sparkly white of the firecrackers called sparklers, that type of energy is attractive. In part, it's attractive because of it's energy, its power, its shine.

Maybe it might be like that [Tinkerbell], instead [of a drifting autumn leaf].

Charles Brown's Mid-Life Christmas

2011-11-26T16:52:00.000-08:00

I went into this show blind, knowing nothing about it other than the title. It's a musical comedy: both fun & funny. Stages of Life Productions, 9003 SE Stark, Nov 27 - Dec 19, $26.

games in November

2011-11-25T11:13:00.000-08:00

Between various women's social groups, and boardgame events at game stores, I've tried a lot of games. This has been very fun for me: it helps make up the board-game-deficit from a socially isolated childhood. These are what I've played this month.

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Hansa Teutonica

Hansa Teutonica is my new favorite game. Unlike many other games, it is good for 2 or 5 players (as well as 4), which is valuable in its own right. Instead of using simply rule variations for 2-3 player games, it has a two sided board.

I've played it 4 times now and (remember, I'm an inexperienced gamer) I'm still picking up the rules and strategy. In order to save as much brain space as possible for how-to-play, I've chosen to mostly ignore a few superfluous aspects like bonus tokens and the technicalities of scoring. Given that, you can easily see why I didn't even LOOK at the special district tokens & figure intended for the 2-3 player variation.

The group I played it with last night had 2 experienced gamers, and one was so hot-to-trot for this game she vowed to purchase one, and noted that there are "how to play" podcasts and video reviews on gamergeek.com.

It's also won a lot of awards: 2010 Golden Geek Best Innovative Board Game Nominee, 2010 Golden Geek Best Strategy Board Game Winner, 2010 Golden Geek Board Game of the Year Winner, 2010 International Gamers Award - General Strategy: Multi-player Nominee, 2010 Spiel des Jahres Recommended, and 2011 Nederlands Spellenprijs Nominee.

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Navegador

In Navegador one's ships sail from a start point to an end point across three zones (which each impact price of resources). One's marker also navigates a round action key (1, 2, or 3 spaces ahead from present position), limiting which actions a person can take each turn. One can colonize sugar, gold or spice; build factories, shipyards or churches; buy ships, workers, or privileges; or sell goods in the market (whose prices fluctuate each turn, based on what others did, and whether one is selling refined or unrefined goods).

Of course, there are multiple ways to win the game, and this is also a good 5 player game.

I enjoyed the action-limitation (on the round dial), and the constantly fluctuating prices (it was over my head as a 1st time player, but I appreciated its complexity), and would play it again, but it somehow it never quite thrilled me.

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Dr. Shark

Dr. Shark involving sticking ones hand into a velvet bag every turn. Puzzle pieces are acquired through which one attempts to assemble. weapons, tools, or locations.

One's marker is moved around on a board (the bottom of a swimming pool) to any available empty spot. Each spot is a manner of piece selection: by sight, by texture, by puzzle shape, or by the blind handful. Game ends after 10 turns.

While I appreciated the 1960's mod-squad look of the characters & board, ultimately I'd rather do nothing than play Dr. Shark.

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Rapa Nui

Rapa Nui is a simple card game in which various types of people (woodcutter, berry picker, etc) are played out of one's hand on to the table. One's hand is replenished from selecting cards from 4 face-up rows of cards (similar to rows of Solitaire cards).

Certain events trigger receiving various resources (berries, fish, wood, etc.) and certain other events trigger making an offering to the stone gods of Easter Island.

It was a very short game, and while I caught almost none of the strategy, I found that I actively disliked it.

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Phase 10

I've known Phase 10 a long time: in fact, I'm left with the conclusion that this card game must still (or must've originally) belonged to Dave, as I know he taught it to me & we've played it together many times over the years.

But it'd been years since then, and I hadn't remembered really anything about it.

Cards are dealt. In each "phase" players have different objectives: 8 of one color; a set of 3 + a run of 4; etc. One can't progress to the next phase until the current phase is completed, so while everyone starts at phase 1, each individual might progress... or not. The first player to reach phase 10 wins (in the event of a tie, the one with the most cumulative points wins).

It's American, it's easy, it's fun.

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Loot

I was surprised to find that Loot, a simple card game, was so fun.

One has a handful of cards, and only one allowable action per turn. With that action, one can draw a card, set a gold-laden ship to sea, attack a gold-laden ship with pirates (of varying strengths), or fortify a pirate attack with yet another ship or by adding a captain (of the same color: the last captain played trumps the lot).

There's something about the strategy of when to place the ships to sea, and that a battle can stalemate over many turns, and that multiple ships & attacks can happen at the same time, that charmed me. I also was fond of their graphics.

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Double Bananagrams

I had heard of Bananagrams before, but never known what it was about. I had assumed it was a game for 8 year old girls, like Holly Hobby or Strawberry Shortcake. Fortunately, I was quite wrong.

Bananagrams is akin to Scrabble, only without all the waiting and unnecessary difficulty.

One randomly selects 27 tiles, then sets them up in words, Scrabble-style. As soon as someone uses all their tiles, they say "peel" and everyone draws 1 more tile. In this way, it's a bit like playing Scrabble with yourself, except funner.

The first time I played this game I won, in part because the group accepted "weir" as a dragon's den from Ann McCaffrey novels. It turned out that "weir" is, indeed, legitimate: albeit as an overflow dam.

I will probably buy this game, along with a Scrabble dictionary, to add to my word game collection.

**Dude: they even have a Spanish Bananagrams.**

Hanna + Run Lola Run

2011-11-24T20:43:00.000-08:00

Hanna (Saoirse Ronan) is a teenager raised and trained by her father (Eric Bana), an ex-CIA operative, to become a highly skilled assassin. But when she's sent on a deadly mission across Europe, Hanna takes to an English family and starts longing for a normal life. She must first solve the puzzle of her mysterious past, however. Joe Wright (Atonement) directs this tense actioneer; Cate Blanchett also stars. 2011, PG-13, 111 minutes

I just watched Hanna and I LOVED it!

A bit in the beginning (killing an animal) was iffy for me, however that difficult part turned into important fodder for other bits that were to come later. Basically, I'd say that every 15 minutes the movie got better.

Remember the phrase, "Leave them wanting more?" This movie nailed it. To a T.

It reminded me very much of Run Lola Run. If you like one, try the other. I don't want to give stuff away, but the look & feel, the music, and even the goons in the white car were the same. I was quite surprised to see they had different directors & writers.

The only disappointment was -- and it was my first encounter, so I wasn't expecting it -- upon selecting DVD extras (alternate ending, deleted scenes, the making of a scene, and director's commentary) it says "F*** you, renter. If you want to see the special features, buy your own damn DVD. " (my paraphrase) The vendor doesn't take stock in my position, which is that I evaluate how good the DVD extras are when I weigh & balance whether or not to purchase a DVD to own. Great extras definitely increase the odds I will buy.

A thrilling post-MTV roller-coaster ride, Run Lola Run is the internationally acclaimed sensation about two lovers who have only minutes to change the course of their lives -- and time is running out. Lola (Franka Potente) just received a frantic phone call from her boyfriend, Manni (Moritz Bleibtreu), who lost a small fortune belonging to his mobster boss. If Lola doesn't replace the money in 20 minutes, Manni will suffer the consequences. 1998 R 80 min.

The Help

2011-11-23T00:42:00.000-08:00

Set in Mississippi during the 1960s, Skeeter (Stone) is a southern society girl who returns from college determined to become a writer, but turns her friends' lives -- and a Mississippi town -- upside down when she decides to interview the black women who have spent their lives taking care of prominent southern families. Aibileen (Davis), Skeeter's best friend's housekeeper, is the first to open up -- to the dismay of her friends in the tight-knit black community. Despite Skeeter's life-long friendships hanging in the balance, she and Aibileen continue their collaboration and soon more women come forward to tell their stories -- and as it turns out, they have a lot to say. Along the way, unlikely friendships are forged and a new sisterhood emerges, but not before everyone in town has a thing or two to say themselves when they become unwittingly -- and unwillingly -- caught up in the changing times. 2011

It must be said, the dresses were to-die-for beautiful.

This is a total chick flick. Yeah, I know, there are serious themes about civil rights and racial (in)equality at stake, but (IMO) at it's core it's a story about women: how they love, how they fight, what brings them together, what pulls them apart, and their bonds, be they for good or evil.

I was fascinated by the decision points several characters faced. I find it true that, in life, we have deciding moments where our decision is instant, yet important, and with long lasting impact. Many of the women here chose the low road, the path of most suffering, for both themselves and everyone around them, and all paid the price, because they were cowed with fear of the more instantaneous price tag of standing up for what was right.

The one part about the pie was laid on a bit thick for my preference, and I do get a bit tired of every leading lady being so damn pretty and skinny, but, for the most part, it also felt like it made up for some of the crap that comes from Hollywood in the name of entertainment that harms us all (not necessarily each individual piece, but how the many examples become the norm & expectation for us all: blacks are crack dealing gang-bangers; older Jewish women are meddling neurotics; young white women are all skinny, pretty, & promiscuous, etc.).

It was a human story (main ingredient of the best chick & independent flicks) about how we support & betray each other, and how speaking/ acting out our individual truths can be scary, brave, dangerous and important.

Table Topics winner

2011-11-22T00:30:00.000-08:00

At my Toastmaster's club tonight, there was only one speech, so we had a longer-than-average time devoted to Table Topics.

Table Topics are 1-2 minute impromptu speeches. If you're lucky, the TT Master gives everyone the same question (so you have more time to formulate an answer); if you're not, each individual is asked a unique question. While, technically, the timer doesn't start until you give your first word or significant gesture, I've yet to see ANYONE pause longer than 10 seconds before starting.

Tonight's Table Topic was "Fear: What you fear and what you do about it."

This was my 1:57 response:

I love BBC period pieces. Women in corsets, long flowing gowns, pretty wigs, and ballrooms.

I recently watched a BBC period piece called Young Victoria. In the DVD special features, the Director said something that has always stuck with me: "Inside every 80 year old is a 16 year old who still wants to dance."

I want to dance. In fact, when I was 16 I danced a lot, and I loved it.

It's been many years and (patting belly) many pounds since then. I'm afraid to dance. It... wouldn't be... pretty.

Fear is my progenitor. ["Progenitor" was the Word of the Day, so I got "bonus points" for using it.]

What I do about my fear is I go to weight training. Three days a week, my personal trainer Jacque makes me work -- and sweat -- a lot -- for an hour at a time.

I also have tried meal delivery systems. First I tried eDiets.com, then I tried Bistro MD, now I'm trying something local to Portland.

That is my fear: to dance, and that is what I'm doing to overcome it.

I wouldn't say I was proud of this Table Topic speech. When I sat down I thought, "Gee, it sounded better in my head before I went up to the stage." I was aware that I had 2 second long pauses between paragraphs (which could be good or bad, depending). I wouldn't say I'd necessarily stand behind every idea in the speech. The list, and clarity of it, was definitely related to the blog posts I worked on earlier today. But none of that matters, in a way: I organized a presentation with an introduction, a story which wove ideas together, and a definitive conclusion.

While it was true that there were 8 speakers (competitors), I would also say that I didn't find tonight a "particularly inspired" Table Topics night... sometimes it's just like that.

No matter how you slice it, though, I won the vote, and took home the ribbon, my first in this category. (It's harder to win in this category: I usually take a role, and people with roles aren't, in this club, often called upon to be TT speakers. In fact, I raised my hand to volunteer 4 times before waving it wildly the 5th time [generating attention from the entire room] -- that's what it took for the TT Master see & call on me to speak.)

P.S. No, I don't vote for myself: not ever. It's allowable, but I just don't. I figure I don't have the perspective to accurately assess, so I vote as if only everyone else were vying for the position. If my presentation is good enough to win -- which has a lot to do with who just happened to co-present, and that's quite variable -- it'll win without me voting for myself. I want to win, but not like that.

Bistro MD

2011-11-21T08:30:00.000-08:00

I tried the Bistro MD food delivery program for 3 weeks.

I was thrilled to move to Bistro MD after having tried eDiets.com (also marketed as Biggest Loser), because Bistro MD allowed me the option of ordering only lunches & dinners (omitting both breakfasts and desserts). This was an all around win: it reduced the weight of product being shipped, lessened the trash on my end (this was before Portland's curbside food scrap project kicked in), removed my dessert-in-the-house dilemma and bumped down the price, as well ($160/wk, inc. delivery, which = eDiets.com final price, for 13 meals).

The first thing I noticed about Bistro MD was the difference in packaging. While Bistro MD technically has more packaging than eDiets, what they send is mostly recyclable, and thus generates less waste on my end. For example, each individual meal has a paper cover listing the ingredients and reheating directions, but the shipment was cooled with dry ice which disintegrated, rather than via cheap/ leaky refrigerator packs which added pounds to my trash.

Regarding the Styrofoam coolers (eDiets.com's coolers were bigger & thinner, quite flimsy appearing, and Bistro MD's were smaller & thicker, quite sturdy, + additionally protected by a thick, corrugated cardboard box) instead of sending them to Recology to recycle I ultimately decided to save them up and post a "6 pristine, Styrofoam coolers, FREE" ad on Craigslist.com. They were gone within the hour.

I had thought the "fresh" of eDiets would be a big plus, but after trying it for a while, and thinking about how that food had spent 3 days in transit before spending up to 7 days in my refrigerator, frozen started to sound like an ultimately "fresh-er" alternative.

Bistro MD foods come frozen. I started my first shipment by placing 2 entrees in the fridge (to thaw overnight) and the rest in the freezer. Each time I ate a meal, I would move an item from freezer to refrigerator to replace it.

I noticed right away that Bistro MD foods looked like they were better quality, and upon eating that impression was instantly verified.

For example, the eDiets.com "sweet & sour shrimp" had about thrice as much chicken as it did shrimp (and they were the tiny salad shrimp, too). Bistro MD's version of had 12 medium sized shrimp (and zero chicken).

Bistro MD ingredient lists are impressive. They often contain things like shrimp, lobster, and fish, and I never once saw any long, unpronounceable, chemical name for fake food or toxic preservatives. I also liked how each food item had its own ingredient list, so that if I found an ingredient that required pondering (ie, egg, dairy) I could easily see how high the ingredient was in its own list. That sounds like a "duh," but eDiets.com ingredient lists didn't separate them out that way (to my consternation).

Let's look at the ingredient list of "rice with chorizo sausage, fish & vegetables." Paella: Water, peas, rice, red bell peppers, chicken chorizo sausage (chicken, water, salt, citric acid, sugar, spice, herb), onions, tomatoes, mushrooms, green beans, green bell peppers, garlic, white wine (contains sulfides), tomato paste, seafood base (white wine, lobster stock, fish stock, salt, shrimp stock, carrot stock, fish gelatin, mirepoix stock [carrot, celery & onion stocks], olive oil, sea salt, onion powder, spices. Fish: white fish, olive oil, lemon juice, garlic, sea salt, sugar, spices.

I found that each meal required the same microwaving, regardless of type: a full 2.30 minutes (even though my microwave tends to run hot/fast). This uniformity was very convenient.

Like with eDiets.com meals, I microwaved the meals in the black plastic dishes, and ate from the dishes, washing it afterwords to create a pile of (not curbside) recycling.

The only Bistro MD foods I found to be disappointing as to quality or consistency were the items with turkey. The turkey, unlike the pork, chicken, or seafood, was always dry, with or without sauce.

Despite the obviously higher quality, I left Bistro MD because there were too many meals I didn't enjoy the flavor of. eDiets.com food, while obviously elementary-school-lunch-room quality, consisting mostly of chicken + broccoli, almost all tasted good. Bistro MD cooking was for a different flavor palate than mine. Many I simply didn't care for the taste of (Moroccan Chicken), a few were simply too spicy-hot (Jerk Chicken), and it had lots of fish, too (one healthy habit I've never been able to swallow).

By the end I stopped tracking all the meals I didn't like (because there were so many of them) and after I decided to quit I would microwave a meal, eat about 1/3 (usually the vegetables), flush the rest, then repeat, and repeat again.

I'd say I heartily enjoyed 1/3 of Bistro MD's meals, but didn't like 2/3 of them. The 1/3 was basically anything with pork (always rich, tender & juicy); pasta/ cheese/ tomato combinations, and some of their new-to-me foods like bangers & mash, and Jamaican Stew; and their wide variety of delicious vegetables.

Bistro MD is an opt-out sort of meal plan (unlike eDiets.com where one chooses amongst many options). They send stuff, one tries it, one sends word back: "none of this, more of that."

I discovered a rival food preparation & delivery service here in Portland (local delivery = less packaging and maybe salads?) and decided to give them a go next.

read about my experience with eDiets.com HERE

Margaret Adams Parker: from sketch to woodcut

2011-11-20T20:36:00.000-08:00

I am a passionate sketcher, an artist with a decided preference for the pen, brush, or graphite pencil. My challenge has been to translate these sketches into woodcuts, which is my primary medium as a printmaker.

The sketch, particularly of the moving subject, is of necessity rapid & spontaneous. The drawing that results may consist of a fine mesh of exploratory lines, with a few picked out more emphatically to define the subject.

The woodcut, by contrast, could hardly be called spontaneous. The hand must carve into the dense fibers of the wood, at times fighting against the grain. And because the mark is relatively permanent (changes, while not impossible, are time-consuming), the approach must be deliberate, the working pace slow. Far from being inflexible, the woodcut process offers the opportunity to make almost continuous mid-course corrections.

My 1st step is to make a photocopy of my sketch, an expedient that prevents me from ruining the sketch itself. From the photocopy, I make a copy on tracing paper and then work up a series of tracings until the drawing pleases me.

As I work, I often make radical changes to the original drawing. For instance, the sketch for Rabbi is a barely perceptible graphite drawing of a head & torso; in the woodcut, I added the hands, resting on the cane & on the wall, to convey the weight of the stooped figure. Fidelity to the original sketch is less important to me than the sound composition of the final work.

In fact, my final step with the preparatory drawing is to turn it facedown, hold it to the light, and decide whether this reversal makes a stronger composition. We all tend to "read" a drawing in the same direction we learned to read. Reversing an image can affect is impact profoundly.

Next, I use white carbon paper to transfer the simplest outlines of the image onto a wood block toned with black India ink. To allow for the reversal that occurs during printing, this outline is a mirror image of the actual print.

Then, using white gouache, I paint the areas of wood that I plan to cut away. Invariably, this white drawing needs to be corrected, this time with black.

Finally, I pick up my knife and begin. It is exhilarating to be doing instead of planning. As I cut, first with the knife, later with the V-gouge and the U-gouge as well, the contrast that emerges between the bare wood of the cut areas and the uncut, inked surface gives me some idea how the print will look like. I ease into the cutting stage, stopping frequently to assess my progress by making a rubbing with a graphite stick on newsprint. I "proof" this way as long as possible, because once I ink the block to pull an actual proof, I lose the contrast between the cut wood & the black surface tone of the block.

I roll my ink onto the block, using a rubber brayer & an extra-soft, oil-based black ink made in France by Charbonnel. The roller deposits the ink only on the surface of the block, while the cut areas remain uninked. After placing proofing paper face-down on the inked block, I rub it with a wooden spoon worn smooth by years of printing. Then I lift the paper to see the print for the 1st time. Sometimes, but rarely, this proof is exactly what I had in mind. More often, I see areas that need to be cut further.

Now I begin work on the proof. To keep from smudging the still-wet ink, I cover the areas to be changed with clear acetate or -- if the area is really small -- with rows of clear adhesive tape. Working with paint, I whiten the areas that still need to be cut. I hope there are no cut areas that need to be filled in, but if there are, I paint them black.

Color introduces additional layers of complexity to the process. I employ a multiblock method that involves carving multiple blocks, inking them with different colors, and printing them in succession, one superimposed (or registered) precisely on top of another.

In Jeruaslem -- View of the Old City in Sunlight, for instance, there are 4 blocks: 3 with color and a final "key" block -- printed in black -- that establishes the basic outlines of the drawing. (The companion woodcut required an additional block for the blue of the evening sky.)

The key block, although the last to be printed, must be cut first. Afterward, I apply the ink and transfer the still-wet image to each of the other blocks to guide the cutting for a particular color or colors.

In the case of Jerusalem, I first printed a creamy buff color for the buildings in sunlight over the entire paper, leaving only the sky blank.

With the 2nd block, I printed darker ochre shapes over the buff to indicate the shadow sides of the buildings.

I was able to use the 3rd block to print 2 colors, the blue & the red of the roofs, by cutting out each area of color with a scroll saw. I rolled the correct color onto each of these cut pieces & then inserted them back into the block, as thought they were pieces fitting into a puzzle.

At this point, however, the 4 colors still registered simply as shapes without definition. Printing the black outlines with the key block wrought an almost magical transformation, revealing the shapes & contours of domes, steeples & terraces.

--American Artist, Jun 2002, pgs 52-7, 74-5.
artist: Margaret Adams Parker

eco-shopping

2011-11-19T13:28:00.000-08:00

During the Dill Pickle Club, six-hour Where Does Garbage Go? tour I found myself interested in the shopping opportunities afforded by both the resale of reclaimed (ie, your trash is their re-sell-able treasure) materials stores.

First was The ReBuilding Center. I've been unhappy with my front porch light (shown on left) ever since I moved in, but it wasn't until this calendar year (5 years after house purchase) that I finally knew enough to discern what was a pleasing & architecturally congruent replacement. On the tour I found this this attractive piece (below), and fortunately a week later it was still waiting for me. Cost: $2 (with zero packaging).

I didn't see any one particular item to fall in love with at SCRAP; there it was more about wanting to have the experience of leisurely exploring their enormous quantity of well-organized tidbits.

I've noticed at my gatherings that guests are hesitant to put any cup -- hot, cold, or tepid -- on my wood tables/ end tables without a coaster, no matter how many times I offer permission. I've also found that between price, style, and selection, I'm always stymied out of making a purchase at retail stores. The many attractive items in SCRAP's well stocked tile sample area provided an excellent solution to my long-standing dilemma, as well as eco-credit for re-purposing what would formerly have been viewed as trash.

I don't know what the tile alone cost, but it was related to their weight and it plus some miscellaneous paper totaled $2.70.

To protect the wood from scrapes, and to protect the tiles from each other during stacking, I knew I needed to provide some type of bumper under each square. I pondered many options: scrap felt from SCRAP (too thin), sliced wine corks from SCRAP (difficult to cut evenly, plus not sturdy in the long term), & felt squares purchased new (sometimes it's better if coasters don't slide), but ultimately I chose this non-slip backing, purchased new for $5.50/ pack of 16. Originally I thought I'd need 4 per tile but found the rubber so sturdy, thick & long that, placed correctly, only 2 were needed.

Hopeless

2011-11-18T00:54:00.000-08:00

During this one-person show conceived and performed by Melanya Helene, life is slowed. For a brief hour, we escape the flashing, clanging rush and worry that often overwhelm us.

Inspired by what the program describes as Pema Chodron's "charming and down-to-earth interpretation of Tibetan Buddhism," Helene uses song and storytelling to lure us into a thoughtful, reflective state -- a state of mindfulness. Here "hopelessness" is not bad; it is a liberation. Abandoning hope is a way of accepting the ephemeral nature of life.

Rather than lose ourselves in lamenting the past or fearing for the future, hopelessness is a call to embrace the fullness of the present. To convey this, Helene recounts a tale of a woman who finds herself hanging over a cliff's edge by a thin vine. Below and above are hungry tigers; then suddenly the woman notices a mouse gnawing at the vine. Hopelessness is this woman's willingness, under these most dire circumstances, to savor the rich, sweet taste of a ripe strawberry plucked from a bush within her reach.

The play "Hopeless" is, in short, about letting go. But, as Helene makes clear, letting go is not so easy.

In the spirit of the mindfulness that the play urges, the actor Helene moves through the piece with a wonderfully polished artfulness. Emotion is disciplined but always honest. Even at the start, when Helene sings "Mood Indigo," we get something that is part sorrowful blues and part meditative chant.

Balance and restraint run throughout the performance, but this is not to say that Helene lacks animation. On the contrary, she enlivens the tales she tells with a physicality that approaches dance. Whether she describes a running woman, a bold samurai warrior, an ancient wise man or a pensive farmer, she communicates a sense of the character with vividly mimetic as well as fluidly graceful movement. She not only enters her stories but her stories enter her.

In addition, Helene imaginatively punctuates her narrations and choreography with a creative sense of sound. She ably mimics a phonograph needle jumping on a scratched record or a mouse nibbling on vegetation. Playfully modulating her breath, she can convey the sweep of a samurai sword as it slashes through the air or a chilling breeze as it rushes across a mountain terrain.

The only prop Helene uses throughout the play is a Himalayan singing bowl. She draws both haunting and heavenly music from this instrument.

It is especially effective in the play's last scene. As the lights dim slowly, Helene strokes the singing bowl, making a repeating, extended bell-like sound to accompany her as she sings with wry sweetness: "Row, row, row your boat/ Gently down the stream./ Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,/ Life is but a dream."

The play's Buddhist message about the impermanence and insubstantiality of life comes through the irony, yet there is a gentleness about this conclusion that is in keeping with the meditative mood of the entire performance.

Most importantly, after the fade out is complete and all is silent, we are left with a sense of well being, as Helene's good will continues to resonate.

-- Richard Wattenberg, The Oregonian

Her main gist is that when one has hope, one concurrently, by definition, has fear that the hoped thing won't appear. Therefore, to have hope is to have fear. This is NOT synonymous with just BEING in the present moment: noticing, connecting, breathing.

This show is fantastic (I last went a few years ago): a great basic primer of Buddhist ideas & their application; an aid to generating that state of peaceful allowing/ noticing/ connecting/ being; and commiseration for the suffering/ angst/ struggle/ effort that we feel in life.

Abandon Hope = Abandon Fear

or,

Hopelessness = Fearlessness

click HERE for 8 min excerpt: the samurai story
(aka "What is the nature of heaven & hell?")

Mr. Darcy Dreamboat, by Camille Cettina

2011-11-17T00:53:00.000-08:00

Performed in a highly inventive Lecoq-based physical theatre style, this literary romp is a mash-up of the books and characters we’ve grown up with. From Nancy Drew – girl detective, to JD Salinger’s disenfranchised teenagers, from the romance and fantasy of Jane Austen, to T.S.Eliot’s “still point of the turning world.” Audiences embark on a journey through literary worlds they have known and loved. Push Leg, at Interstate Firehouse Cultural Center, 5340 N Interstate, Nov 11-20, $16.

Superb! Magnificent! The mime-like dance, the music, the emotional connection & communication, the facial expressions, the props, the text, the re-enactments... fantastic, all.

My only caveat to the whole thing (besides the lack of heat at the IFCC) was that the nightmare sequence near the end was a bit off-putting (although not at all poorly done... to the contrary, really)... I was quite glad she didn't choose to end on that particular note.

Certainly, this will be another of my "top 5" performances this season. I recommend it enthusiastically... but not for kids.

It's funny like that with dance. The absolute best -- and absolute worst -- performances, in my lifetime of performances, have both been dance. It can somehow be more magnificent (or excruciating) than just plays, storytelling or music alone.

Prisoner of 2nd Ave, by Neil Simon

2011-11-16T17:45:00.000-08:00

What happens when a smart, healthy, hard-working man of 47 is unexpectedly laid-off from the only job he’s ever known as an adult? Sound familiar? Welcome to the world of Mel and Edna Edison. As contemporary and familiar a story as this may sound, it was written in 1971 and is yet another example of the timelessness of Neil Simon’s work. While maintaining his signature brilliant wit, Simon captures the emotional roller coaster we tumble through when our livelihood is taken away. Profile Theater, 3430 SE Belmont, Nov. 16-20, $17

The play was nice; the company even nicer.

WARNING: SPOILERS

While it was obviously a commentary on the popular paranoia mongering media, the grip of listlessness, and the inability to ponder the greater world outside one's own city/ profession, it also seemed to me one of choices one makes in a marriage.

That is to say, I was quite struck by the wife who:

commuted home to cook lunch for her unemployed, disheveled husband
offered to rise once an hour (during sleeping hours) to turn the AC on & off for him
offered to flush the toilet after her husband used it in the middle of the night in order to spare him the aggravation of jiggling the handle
volunteered to go anywhere, do anything, live any lifestyle (blank check style) that her husband offered, whim or serious

Not to mention the husband who:

let the toilet tank run for hours, so his wife could jiggle the handle for him to turn it off
yelled obscenities at the neighbors from his porch
didn't mention his getting fired to his wife until 4 days later
and was so quick to project blame on her for the $25k offer from his siblings
would rather spend hours berating his wife about maintenance problems than 3 minutes calling the superintendent for repairs

Word of the Day: progenitor

2011-11-15T22:05:00.000-08:00

pro- gen- i- tor

DEFINITION:
Ancestor, predecessor, originator, founder, precurser, model, 1st draft, version 1.0

EXAMPLES:

My mother Mary was a progenitor of mine, and my grandmother Gloria was progenitor to us both.
Pong was the progenitor of World of Warcraft;
poodles are progenitors of labradoodles;
Ghandi was a progenitor of nonviolent activism;
as Steve Jobs was progenitor of Apple.

sabotage

2011-11-14T11:44:00.001-08:00

Having a family legacy of penny-pinching, suspicion, self-centered fear and paranoia sucks, especially when they're your equally empowered co-business owners.

Gawd help me.

So Michael & his wife say that they filed paperwork with the State of CA that nullifies the paperwork our lawyer & DE trust guy have. Apparently, they didn't think to (a) inform us siblings, (b) notify the lawyer, (c) share with the DE trust guys, (d) save records of it for themselves, or (e) consult with professionals about the impact that would have on our OTHER documents/ trusts/ etc (even though some have cost literally many tens of thousands of dollars to set up).

Whether or not they succeeded in what they believe they did, I'm now putting on my Sherlock Holmes hat and trying to discover what they did, and if they succeeded in doing what they think they did, and how to make everything: LLC papers, DE trust, 6166 estate tax lien, mortgage, and any other impacted variable come into agreement.

All this could have been simply prevented by either sharing information or paying the mere $50 - 100 - 250 it costs to have the professionals do it right. That "business expense," a pre-tax deduction that we each share 1/3 of, is like an insurance policy, and it is A GOOD EXPENSE.

Not only that, in the end it didn't even save any money, because we spent that amount (or more) later in experts spinning their wheels (because they assumed, of course, that no one had undone their work and then kept that fact secret), not to mention multiple massive surges of extremely unhappy emotions on my part while I try to put things in order, not having been told I don't have all the pieces, as well as causing literally several month's delays in tasks that should have taken one solitary hour.

That price tag hold true whether or not they actually succeeded in doing what they think they did.

Do you see what I see? These are the methods of a SABOTEUR, not a collaborator.

Al did the same thing with his advisers. They were crippled in their ability to help him because he jealously guarded his details, only parsing out little bits & pieces. It's like choosing a stock portfolio: if you don't know I already have, say, $100k in banking, you don't know that you should put the other $100k in ... say... NOT banking.

I hate my family. Michael and Dave present different profiles, but they both TOTALLY SUCK to do business with. It's like trying to receive a limb transplant while leprosy is nipping at your heels.

But this final property we co-own together is the crown jewel of the family assets. It's worth so much I'm just not willing to walk away from it. My big hope continues to be that in around 7 years, when the 6166 IRS estate tax lien gets paid off, we'll be able to sell it, divesting from each other. However, to be fair, although we've all shown weariness at co-owning, no one else has been vocal about wanting to sell.

I hate my relatives. I hate that a large portion of my fortune is entangled with them. I drool for the day I can disentangle. I have zero intention to retain communication once that separation kicks in. That's not a big leap from now: before we inherited we had no communication, as business partners 98% of our communication is of a business nature, and post-partnership I anticipate a long stretch of zero communication. We won't be in each other's wills, we aren't in each other's lives (well, M & D were friends, but I think that ended when M sued D over $30k that was there all along)... I long for that day. I hope it comes before I die.